Monday, July 30, 2012


Ever since Calvin hit me with predestination and tulips, the best part of a decade has gone by in a blur. I may be slow on the uptake but 10 years is simply ridiculous and yet I would not have it any other way. During this painfully slow process (still processing), it would be alarming to conceive that my years of raging, sulking, whining and tantrum throwing may even be considered "communing" with God but I suppose some mammals were simply born stubborn. Two in particular were of special interest to me and broke down the concept of predestination in my head in a foolish enough way to render me thick.

It is no easy task to feed on the Living Word. It may be balmy words of wisdom to some, but to others it pierces the void with nothing but the stark realization of naked emptiness. From the time I even dared imagine that God's sovereignty meant more than merely an assent to my choice, my soul has been slowly shredded inside out and what was once self-righteous tapestry now more closely resembles tattered jellyfish without the dignity of any sting. This is the battle I wake to these days and the dreams I live through each night. That as I chase to stuff my life more of Word, it eludes me like a secret ingredient that refuses to be named.

I thought that once I answered the question of whether I was a sheep or a goat, that all other questions would fall into place but in seeking to know the answer, everything that once held joy has fallen out of place. In seeking to find and maybe even create myself, I have lost the reason that prompted my seeking; in seeking to know, I now understand even less. Tonight despite a ringing migraine and an urge to kiss the loo bowl, it crept up on me that the answer lies not in whether I am a sheep or a goat. For my being a sheep will not justify my inaction and my being a goat will not excuse my action. Indeed, if I am a goat, and this I may struggle with for the rest of my days, then may I burst my innards for those who may be sheep.

I rest tonight in green pastures, turning my woolly-brained head to the hills, waiting for my shepherd to come.

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Isn't the restlessness suppose to stop?
That's what the books seem to say
When you become a child of God
The fight and flight will turn astray.

So what then when the fight grows fierce?
And when flight spins out of atmosphere?
What then when my deepest fear
Is not being free to wander clear?

What then when the fury brews
Until the vessel breaks apart
The content irretrievable
Yet I would rather be the broken lark.

Thought of fight to flee I find
Weighs heavily on a troubled mind
I am not where I should be
Yet verily where none say to me.

Is it bad unwholesome yearn
To not want to turn or return
Until my insides tear and crack
No holding down not looking back

I have yet to know the dreams
That people say the future brings
That everyone but me agrees
Is written down as destiny.

Sunday, April 15, 2012

No words left

This fucked up world is mine alone
I won't stand for your sticks and stones
You don't know how things turn or steer
You wanted to get out of here.

I laid it all down before
Yet you all shoved me through that door
Now don't you dare turn round and glare
Point that finger another way.

What's done is done and no regrets
But you never thought of consequence
You never cared that I was fine
You thought my friends were a waste of time

Why should I listen to what you say
When you don't know my night from day
When all you want is what you see
And all that means nothing to me. 

Maybe I should just stay clear
Move out, leave and disappear
Cut all ties, don't call, don't try
Just stop the truth, just stop the lies.

I just don't give a damn no more
Whatever, just shove me through that door
I know the blame will come again
Forgetting is alas in vain.

Friday, March 09, 2012

Mulled mood

I know for certain I was in "a mood" tonight but wasn't quite sure which. To find out how my inner soul fared tonight I did a random music/movie assessment on myself at The Spring.

On the way there: Pink Martini's 1997 album Sympathique was curiously very apt although I couldn't figure out why. It was nevertheless a good start.

Cinema: Having had to sit through both Ghost Rider 2 and This Means War the last 2 weeks (both ghastly), nothing in the movies (neither The Lomax nor John Carter) appealed to me so I made my way down to the shops. Maybe shopping would flush out my hidden mood swing.

Sasa: All the black eyeliners that claim to be "absolute black" or "blackest black" or "black black" all failed to meet my kind of black. I left under a black cloud.

Speedy: Spent a considerable amount of time browsing and dismissing Alexandra Burke (what is she famous for again?) Lady Gaga, Taylor Swift and Taylor Hicks (Taylor who?). I considered The Rasmus but ended up with The Killers. I thought maybe I was on track to suss out my mood when "Love Happens" namely Aaron Eckhart caught my eye. Shit. Silly effect of rom-com puts my swing in the opposite direction from gothic make-up and angst-ridden music.

Further browsing and purchasing in Watson's and Nike also failed to help uncover the source of my sweet and sour mood.

I go to bed comfuzzled.Combuffled. Discombobulated.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012


Thought I could go to Papua New Guinea for holiday end year but was strongly advised against it. Now if I had a Y chromosome and were 6 feet 2, things would be different :(((((((((

Tuesday, February 07, 2012

(The) Rolling and the deep

The pictures here are courtesy of and credited to Melvin Teo. Taken during a group trip to the Land of Chapati, I like them for the way they represent two seemingly conflicting personalities within the same coin that is me. Looking at them both, I am strangely satisfied for I feel no need to justify myself in the face of raw honesty.

Monday, February 06, 2012


He has been utterly faithful in the faithlessness; how can I ever say that I lack?

Sunday, February 05, 2012


Q: How do you know when you're suffering from coke deficiency?

A: Your heart skips a beat when you spy red tins through the shopping bag only to realize that your mum had bought tinned sardines for the dogs.

Monday, January 30, 2012

India recap

Get henna tattoo - done
Go on elephant ride - done
Eat paneer - almost everyday
Get Indian phonecard for Bel - done
Bought a horse figurine - done
Planked in front of the Taj Mahal - done

Planking pic to follow. For now, I leave you with a photo which I took lying cheek flat to the ground.

Friday, January 20, 2012

My 60L bag and I

My trusty backpack has followed me round Asia and this evening we will be headed for India. Woo hoo!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

I like presents :)

Got a fine send off with lots of presents which was very touching. Cried in the car while driving and nearly knocked a white Myvi. *oh #@%$!!!*

I've wanted this since forever. Thanks Lid :)

Staff got me this lovely bear. I'll call him Marley (aka Lexington). Bird was utilized to show size of bear. I forgot who got me the bird. Someone called Sean or someone called Terry.

Kee got the wine. Can't wait for a stormy night to drink this mulled.

I love scrapbooks. So many people took much effort to paste pics and do colouring and squiggles.

Clocking out

Last day at office today. After India I'll be seated in a new chair in a new office in another building.

How do I feel?


The important things are still important. They remain important regardless of city, state or country. Regardless of health, wealth and social acceptance. Regardless of the people I am surrounded by, the policies I am bound to and the weather I find myself in.

The flaws still need to be corrected. Character is not erased with each change in life, neither can it be surgically improved or mechanically inserted according to whim and fancy. Your flaws don't determine your character. Your past does not define your present. Your past however does affect your present and your character now is because of who you were. It does not mean it is irreparable or that the loss you sense has happened is irretrievable. It means simply that you are who you are and will continue to become who you will be because of decisions you made in the past and of decisions you are now making in the present.

So really, not much has changed at all.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Sudden urges

I am craving chocolate like r1g4T n*\/\/.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Running riot

I feel like a hamster whenever I have to use a treadmill.

Unfortunately, circumstances dictate that I choose between feeling like a hamster for about 2 hours a day

... or ending up looking like one.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Hitting third base

"Home" in 5 days.
Hope it won't rain this evening;
I really need to get some blood pumping.
Am pretty sure my right eye muscle
is twitching from pent up adrenaline.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Being Greedy; I want this book too

Sourced here

Gingerbread man; the sequel

It all started here.

You are...

The cross to my word;
The cloth to my table;
The picnic for my basket;
The green of my gable.

The shower of my Spring;
The frost of the Winter;
The red hues of Autumn;
The breeze in my Summer.

The mint to my pepper;
The coffee in my break;
The Rhyme and the Reason;
The Cadbury of my flake.

Still yummy :)

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Blessings in disguise

Have you ever received chain emails that say God will bless you if you pass the message on to X number of people in X number of minutes? Or that bad things will happen if you don't?

It is an interesting observation that perhaps only the most staunch atheist would ignore such a message or people with no credit on their phones, like me. Why is it that God plays such a trivial, unimportant, unglorified and ignored role in our lives until such a time as when His divine finger might send something good our way?

We unfortunately live in a culture distorted with the idea of blessings and curses. Wealth, health and a BMW means you're blessed; anything otherwise means you're not so. To many, wealth, health and a Mercedes-Benz SLR or Alfa Romeo Spider is the epitome of blessing because thereafter, there is nothingness, or at best an inkling of something yet to be revealed.

Not that I wouldn't mind an Audi R8 or an Aston Martin DBS V12 but my God was not born into a detached house with a swimming pool and multimillionaires for parents. His parents did not allegedly section of a full hospital wing with security guards to await his impending birth. He had no Fisher-Price pre-school educational play mat. I don't know what grades he got at school. I don't know how many times he caught the sniffles or if he had gastric problems. I don't know if he ever felt fat.

What I do know is that the most important thing he ever did for me was to be utterly humiliated. To be kicked like a dog whose skin was already scalded. To be beaten black and blue and have barbed wire ripped into his back. Probably had his teeth bashed out. Had people mock his frailty or his race or his parents; maybe telling him to "take it like a man." To be laid limp and semi-spread eagle and bared for the world to gloat. Dare I say it, had his balls on display for people to roll their eyes at.

How is that in any way a blessing? How can it be anything but a curse? Would anyone watching at the hill pass on the message; "Hey Jesus is now being crucified, pass this on to 10 people if you love them and want to see them blessed."

The one and only thing that we should seek is the urgency of being rescued from a future of untold horror. A future which belongs to the human race. Which every person will naturally inherit. You can't blame default inheritance. It is yours whether you want it or not, whether you realize it exists or try to argue it away with stunted intellect. There is a reason why people have an inherent distaste for Hell. To get out of quite literally, the inheritance from Hell, one has to get out from the family tree of Doom.

Being rescued by the Cross and Resurrection is not like winning the lottery. It is not an uncertainty that fingers-crossed, might happen. It is not a numbers game. It is not determined by whether you purchase the lottery ticket because the price has been paid in full. It is not determined by how good you are. It is not even really decided by you, but that's another story.

The best blessing God has given us is that rescue. To that there are only 2 responses; accepting the blessing or rejecting it. There is no middle ground. No "I used to be..." or "I was thinking about it" disclaimers which will help if the world ended now. God doesn't threaten; He just says it as it is and if the only blessing worth receiving is rejected, no amount of forwarded chain email (not even if you forwarded it to everyone in your email list) will be enough to prevent the inevitable and ultimate curse.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Dealing with it

This is terrible.

Had healthy breakfast. Fantastic.

Received email from P. Fantastic.

Had chicken schnitzel with fries for lunch. Fantastic.

Greeted by 3 happy dogs when I got home. Fantastic.

Had salted egg for dinner. Fantastic.

Tried on Karen Millen dress with Aldo shoes. Fits. Fantastic.

Got ready for bed. Hooray, will be in bed before midnight! Fantastic.

Listened to a shared link on Facebook.

Listened to it again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

And again.

Went to the fridge.

Slowly ate 16 large pieces of Vochelle with Almond. Now looking for more food. Not so fantastic.

Note: Subsequently had Milo in bed. Things looking perky again.

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Love actually

Love is... chucking out the mouldy cabbage without complaining.

Love is... sitting it out for an extra 20 minutes.

Love is... not overthinking things.

Love is... taking the good with the bad; the bad with the ugly and the ugly with the unthinkable.

Love is... enjoying the moment.

Love is... eating bitter gourd to help someone win a competition (eeeewwwww....).

Love is... supporting someone else's dream.

Love is... forgiving yourself and letting go.

Love is... being gracious about compliments and kind about mistakes.

Love is... sharing the last triple chocolate chip cookie.

Love is... putting the hand of someone you care about into the hands of someone who knows better.

Paper trail

2012 is the definitive year of lists. Priss wants me to do a list of top 5 foods to eat before one dies. That will need a bit of work to narrow down so I'll start with the top 15 books I wish to get this year. Jumble and Popular bookstore sales are awesome things. Times and MPH don't really offer discounts worth shouting about. As a rule I don't personally purchase books off Amazon, preferring to chance upon them in mad satisfaction.

1) A Lion Among Men - Gregory Maguire
2) Confessions of an Ugly Stepsister - Gregory Maguire
3) Any coffee table book by Tim Flach/ Vladimir Kush/ Salvador Dali/ Carl Warner
4) The Duck that Won the Lottery - Julian Baggini (STILL SEARCHING - should've bought it that one time I saw it!!!)
5) Mere Christianity - C.S. Lewis
6) Surprised by Joy - C.S. Lewis
7) Cross-Examined - Mark Meynell (I had TWO copies of this book but might have lent/given them away cos I can't find them - even my highlighted copy. One can however, never share enough sound theological literature so no regrets but I would really like my own copy. Or maybe it's lying around the house somewhere because come to think of it, I can't find my Japanese Women Don't Get Old or Fat either)
8) Trinny & Susannah; the Survival Guide - Trinny & Susannah
9) The Lover's Dictionary - David Levithan
10) Any cookbook by Jamie Oliver/ Gordon Ramsay/ Gary Rhodes/ Nigella Lawson/ Anthony WT/ Delia Smith/ Michael Smith/ James Martin
11) Animal Farm - George Orwell (two legs baaaaaad...)
12)  Complete Works of Winnie-the-Pooh - A.A. Milne
13) Lord of the Flies - William Golding
14) Pooh and the Philosophers - John T. Williams (AGAIN, I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE THIS!!! - I used it extensively in Jurisprudence - WHERE IS IT????? THIS IS FRUSTRATING!!!!!!!)
15) Elvenblood - Mercedes Lackey (I HAD this and burnt it together with a series of other books. Now I want it back. Explanation here)

Yes, it is high time I did a complete raking with a fine tooth comb to locate my missing books.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

It does exist

With reference to item no. 9 in the previous post, I'm gonna get a little help from a kit. Because it was sent with much love, I shall endeavour to stuff this little ball of fuzz with just as much. Anyone out there with kids above 36 months willing to test out the final product? I shall call him Winston.

New Year's Gameplan

My top 10 to dos for 2012

1) Only allowed to skip church once a month - as opposed to as and when(ever)
2) Sit for piano exam
3) Get teeth fixed (extraction, filling, drilling, polishing)
4) Find alternative exercise regime (moving location)
5) Try to complete scuba lesson (but would rather fail this than die drown have panic attack relapse suffer ... [insert other more suitable word]
6) Pick up bass guitar
7) Learn how to make a Bloody Mary
8) Bake a chocolate roulade and eat it whilst watching Bridget Jones' Diary (I and II)
9) Knit a teddy bear
10) Make preparations to join endurance riding in 2013

I will review this at the end of the year.

Friday, January 06, 2012


Since I appear to be neither moving nor marrying out of the family home anytime soon, a decision has been made albeit begrudgingly that we start looking at built-in bookshelves to store the external hardcopy of my brain(s). At the moment they rest on random desks, headboards, boxes, stools and on each other, knitting me in with their musty perfume.

I suppose it would be nice to have some sort of shelving arrangement, but where in the world house will we put them all?

Thursday, January 05, 2012


"These short entries provide insight into the ups and downs of their romantic relationship, revealing the couple's problems with alcoholism and infidelity. The story does not unfold in chronological order; instead, it is arranged alphabetically by dictionary entries which give glimpses into the joys and struggles the characters face over the course of their relationship." Wikipedia as at 5.1.2012

Excerpt courtesy of The Guardian (full article here)

"The definition of "ineffable, adj." reads, "Trying to write about love is ultimately like trying to have a dictionary represent life. No matter how many words there are, there will never be enough." Indeed, and maybe the most articulate thought in the novel is one rage-filled entry (under "catharsis, n."): "YOU FUCKER, I LOVE YOU." A Valentine's Day gift? What could be better…"

Further excerpts found here. Now I REALLY want this (hyperventilating-inside-head-gut-wrenchingly-want).

Abberant, adj.
“I don’t normally do this kind of thing,” you said.
“Neither do I,” I assured you.

Later it turned out we had both met people online before, and we had both slept with people on first dates before, and we had both found ourselves falling too fast before. But we comforted ourselves with what we really meant to say, which was: “I don’t normally feel this good about what I’m doing.”

Measure the hope of the moment, that feeling.

Everything else will be measured against it.

Abyss, n.
There are times when I doubt everything. When I regret everything you’ve taken form me, everything I’ve given to you, and the waste of all the time I’ve spent on us.

Basis, n.
There has to be a moment at the beginning when you wonder whether you’re in love with the person or in love with the feeling of love itself.

If the moment doesn’t pass, that’s it — you’re done.

And if the moment does pass, it never goes that far .It stands in the distance, ready for whenever you want it back. Sometimes it’s even there when you thought you were searching for something else, like an escape route, or your lover’s face.

Fraught, adj.
Does every “I love you” deserve an “I love you too”? Does every kiss deserve a kiss back? Does every night deserve to be spent on a lover?

If the answer to any of these is “No,” what do we do?

Neophyte n.
There are millions upon millions of people who have been through this before — why is it that no one can give me good advice?

Stanchion, n.
I don’t want to be the strong one, but I don’t want to be the weak one, either. Why does it feel like it’s always one or the other? When we embrace, one of us is always holding the other a little tighter.

India take 2

So it's supposed to be like minus 500 degrees when we visit India right?

After packing and repacking mum's bag and deciding that there were enough sacrificed sheep packed into a 20kg limit, Lok tells me that India is not cold. His reasoning however goes along the line of:-

"If India were that cold, all the poor people would freeze because they don't have enough money to buy winter clothes."

If his line of argument is bad, what's more tragic is that I buy that excuse. Totally.

Paneer, here I come!