Thursday, July 21, 2011

Pottering around

LP detoured in her epic Asian adventure so that we could cuti-cuti Malaysia so it was only right that I flew over to give her the Tour de KL; it may appear in hindsight that in addition to showcasing the capital, I threw in a few experiences to boot; watching Harry Potter on the big screen being the last of many firsts, the list of which included going up the KL tower, going up the Malacca tower and indulging in a pushing boundaries relationship with my gut in the Berjaya Times Square Theme Park.

There is a certain morbid relief that rises as one is put totally out of control. Screaming aside, the brief time out so far has left me with more questions than answers, more puzzles than solutions, more disillusionment than focus. There are days when I am certain I am close to having a mental breakdown and others when I chide myself for secretly wanting to go down that road. There are days when getting out of bed is the hardest thing to do and yet at the risk of having people once again say that it is mere self-pity or that I have to take control of my emotions, responsibility grabs me by the scruff of the neck and slaps me into assumed normality. There are days when I am convinced I cannot be the only one who feels this way and others when I scorn at my disposition to feel that this battle is one which can only be faced alone.

Who is to say what is right or wrong when the mind is so wrapped up in doubt and warped in oppressed agitation that the only certainty is that tomorrow may be no better than today and that we are to live in spite of the same? People look in from the outside and wonder why I am the way I am; I wonder how I can live with myself. People try tell me I need help but none is actually offered and every breath to try escape feels like a choke to the throat. People say they don't understand but how can I say that everything you want me to be is everything I hate? I say that I don't give two hoots but maybe that's a lie for if I actually stopped caring I might not have to drag this guilt around.

I rage against others but to no more extent than the fury I bury myself into. The shadow of burnt bridges simply reflects the self-destruction that has already happened. And yet against all this I struggle for on occasion I see the horizon and sometimes there is a tunnel in the surf. I strive to tear up the restrictions that perhaps I have put upon myself. The desire to forget limitations beckons every day and urges me to break out of the chute even though the bull may smash my face into a pulp. That living the 2 seconds in the air before crumbling is worth more than spending seasons in the spectator's seat. I may not say everything you want me to say but how can I speak when everything I want you call it foolish. There are days when the resentment build-up forces reactions and lashing-outs I know is wrong and yet the moral compass seems to be indifferent to the wake and imprints I leave behind.

In all this hubristic resentment, that God is angry with me has never been far from my mind. Why wouldn't He be? My puny efforts for betterment are pathetic and would I that He crushed me with His fist than live another moment in mediocratic limbo. In the mounting anger against myself, maybe I am challenging Him, a challenge that He may do well to forget me and let me be done with once and for all. Yet in the midst of seeing life displaced and discarded into irreconciliable pieces, He reminds me that He is not angry and that despite my folly, I am owned though I may not know that I want to be, though I may never know what it means. That like a gut-wrenching roller-coaster, it is only when I am turned inside out and upside down that I know I am secure because He has secured.

Your blood has washed away my sin
Jesus, thank You
The Father’s wrath completely satisfied
Jesus, thank You
Once Your enemy, now seated at Your table
Jesus, thank You
~ Sovereign Grace Music; Worship God Live; Jesus Thank You

As another author put it; I write to express and not to impress.

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