Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dip, dipper, dippest, dippeth

Everytime some totally mind-blowing, exciting event turns up on my radar, I can confidently expect to be resigned to the doldums before, during and/or after the said event.

3 days before my High School prom, I just felt like I didn't want to go and missed out on the one day I had been waiting for my entire high school life.

Anytime I have to give any sort of performance on stage I turn indifferent at some point before (thankfully never during!). I think my mood swings was the cause of a little concern when I was given the role of co-DJ for a performance by the Chambering students in front of the whole firm. I think talk was going round along the lines of, "What if she just doesn't feel like it on the day?" Whilst the perfomance itself went down well (rated firm's top performance in my books), my energy level sank to a negative five hundred and sixty two soon after and I spent the rest of the night in a closed cafe on the beachfront hotel wondering what I was doing there. I reappeared on the scene soon thereafter.

Birthdays, celebrations, Guy Fawkes Night; one year in London, I spent a small fortune furnishing my friend's Guy Fawkes Night with the biggest fireworks I could find only to find myself overwhelmed with the number of people who showed up. So many people, so many different perspectives to an event, so many opinions that matter to some and in the same wave, matters least to others. So many people being fake with one another. So many lives which wish their lives were like someone else's. My brain was overloaded with information to process and I spent the night, not watching the fireworks I had brought but went away to hide in my friend's dark bedroom away from the over-valued sound and empty noise.

I dislike large events. Put it down to my possessive nature. Whilst I don't own my friends, what I have with them is of great value to me and so I constantly reevaluate where I should stand in relation to that friendship; if I should be more assertive, more kind, more compliant, take a step back or just let the storm roll over. When too many people or too many friends are grouped together, the inevitable change in group dynamics occur and is restructured everytime an individual leaves the group or enters it. Question after question after question surfaces, realigning the person I know my friend to be with the ongoing evolving social organism. I automatically keep tabs on truths, lies, body language, emotions, subtleties, hidden agendas, authenticity, genuine concern and the works. Repeated processing and reanalysing sends my brain into overdrive and then the system crashes and I leave abruptly with people thinking I've gone all cuckoo again.

I probably am more paranoid than I think I am. This is why, the day before the biggest day of my legal career (unless I go to the Appeal or Federal Court or win some major case), I have a large tub of Ben&Jerry's (yes, ANOTHER tub) in hand and am dolefully ruminating over change.

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