Saturday, January 30, 2010

Things I tell myself

1) Eat now; diet later

2) There are no sharks in the swimming pool

3) There is no ghost roaming the 12th floor at work

4) There is no psycho killer in my wardrobe

5) It is easy to walk in heels

6) I'm calm; I'm collected; I'm composed; I'm such a bad liar

7) If I look like an idiot, people will assume I'm one so I dont have to work as hard at impressing others

8) Ice cream is low fat... even if I eat a pint of it in one sitting

9) I will eat fruits today

10) I will eat fruits tomorrow

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Long and short

I am tempted to put photos of my long call up but as I am not completely certain it isn't against the books, I won't. Have the days after been any different? Maybe others see me differently but I'm still me; as topsy-turvy and absent-minded as ever and still wearing Bata flip-flops to work.

Do I think anything has changed? Besides having to get used to seeing my name emblazoned printed everywhere on namecards and above my door, little has changed. The traffic's still bad, the rain spills on everyone and Ipoh Hor Fun is just as salty. Like all grown ups, I still think I'm young and that my body can take the beatings of physical sports and stand stalwart against pot-bellied men standing too close in the train. Like all young people I still believe that I have the advantage of youth on my side to dally in making important decisions.

I still have my deams and try as I might to force my perceptions to be moulded as the Brain tells me I should, the Heart is in want of taming and yet I will never regret letting it burst into wild wonder. There are just some things in life, which like trees which never produce fruit, keep the ground fertile as they shed that other unexpected treasures may bloom.

Loss is never something to regret if and unless you lose the One without whom you would be utterly lost.

Thursday, January 21, 2010

Dip, dipper, dippest, dippeth

Everytime some totally mind-blowing, exciting event turns up on my radar, I can confidently expect to be resigned to the doldums before, during and/or after the said event.

3 days before my High School prom, I just felt like I didn't want to go and missed out on the one day I had been waiting for my entire high school life.

Anytime I have to give any sort of performance on stage I turn indifferent at some point before (thankfully never during!). I think my mood swings was the cause of a little concern when I was given the role of co-DJ for a performance by the Chambering students in front of the whole firm. I think talk was going round along the lines of, "What if she just doesn't feel like it on the day?" Whilst the perfomance itself went down well (rated firm's top performance in my books), my energy level sank to a negative five hundred and sixty two soon after and I spent the rest of the night in a closed cafe on the beachfront hotel wondering what I was doing there. I reappeared on the scene soon thereafter.

Birthdays, celebrations, Guy Fawkes Night; one year in London, I spent a small fortune furnishing my friend's Guy Fawkes Night with the biggest fireworks I could find only to find myself overwhelmed with the number of people who showed up. So many people, so many different perspectives to an event, so many opinions that matter to some and in the same wave, matters least to others. So many people being fake with one another. So many lives which wish their lives were like someone else's. My brain was overloaded with information to process and I spent the night, not watching the fireworks I had brought but went away to hide in my friend's dark bedroom away from the over-valued sound and empty noise.

I dislike large events. Put it down to my possessive nature. Whilst I don't own my friends, what I have with them is of great value to me and so I constantly reevaluate where I should stand in relation to that friendship; if I should be more assertive, more kind, more compliant, take a step back or just let the storm roll over. When too many people or too many friends are grouped together, the inevitable change in group dynamics occur and is restructured everytime an individual leaves the group or enters it. Question after question after question surfaces, realigning the person I know my friend to be with the ongoing evolving social organism. I automatically keep tabs on truths, lies, body language, emotions, subtleties, hidden agendas, authenticity, genuine concern and the works. Repeated processing and reanalysing sends my brain into overdrive and then the system crashes and I leave abruptly with people thinking I've gone all cuckoo again.

I probably am more paranoid than I think I am. This is why, the day before the biggest day of my legal career (unless I go to the Appeal or Federal Court or win some major case), I have a large tub of Ben&Jerry's (yes, ANOTHER tub) in hand and am dolefully ruminating over change.

Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Up, down, left, right, step out, step back,
to, fro, front, back, almost, not yet,
let's go! wait up, now move! sit tight,
breathe in, breathe out, nearly! not quite,
racing, steady, hurry, slowly,
come on! no need, stand up, sit down,
feet move, hang tight, head rush, shock fright,
ping, pong, ding, dong, look, see, maybe.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Why am I not in Cartoon?

Long Call Speech

Because I'm not allowed to say what I want to say for my Call to the Bar, I'll say it here instead and leave the formal stuff for Court. For your reference, the speech will be read by my 'mover,' the Petitioner referred to, is me and the places marked with an asterisk (*) are actual places where I come from. Go wiki it. So we begin.

The Petitioner is the eldest of 3 and probably a descendent of a rice farmer from the Ming Dynasty. The rice farmer might have owned a horse. Born and bred in Cat City*, the capital of the Land of the Hornbills* in the country of A Lot of Food, the Petitioner first wanted to be a fireman but after nearly burning someone's house down by lighting a glittery candle too close to the embroidered gold curtain, changed her mind. The Petitioner also wanted to be a neurosurgeon but was pulled aside and not so quietly told that she did not reach the height requirement qualification in order to become such a surgeon. The fact that the Petitioner believed this source goes to show that perhaps brain surgery was not something the Petitioner should be performing on others.

Among other dream vocations, the Petitioner also wanted to be a Vet, a Baker and/or a Horse Jockey. Apparently being a vet did not go down well with the family and neither did being a Baker. The Jockey dream also went down the pipe when the Petitioner gained 21 kilos after leaving Grade 6.

The Petitioner then found herself shipped to London and discovered that Big Ben isn't as big as its name suggests. Her Waterloo arrived in the form of History, which she thought she had left behind in High School. If she didn't think her tutor was that hot, she would probably have failed the entire thing, considering she thought the Cold War was something that happened in the 1920s and could only recognise one meglomaniac; Hitler. To compensate, the Petitioner took up a 2-in-1 Geography level, also known as "the colouring subject" in addition to Law ad English Literature. The Petitioner still thinks both her English Lit A-Levels tutors were hot too and would go out with the not-so-married option.

After A-Levels and much dreaming of owning a kolo mee stall, the Petitioner got accepted by some God-mandated, fluked logic in the sky, into King's College, London. The Petitioner is nevertheless grateful as her time there has undoubtedly allowed her to grow and be sculptered into the person she is now. The Petitioner also gained invaluable insight in Leicester Square upon realising that Tom Cruise is much shorter than she thought he was.

The Petitioner then returned to the Land of Food and sat for the dreaded CLP exam, nearly wrecking her sanity in the process as she thought it was a useless exam as the Petitioner had no intention of ever becoming a lawyer. After various work experience in various places around Land of the Confluence of Mud* which went from spying on rival Companies to rubbing coffee stains off a wooden table, gradually heightening both the Petitioner's paranoia and OCDness at different intervals in the process, nearly conquering a sleepy mountain and testified battles with a malicious jellyfish, the Petitioner was ready to begin the 9-month long journey of pupillage.

9 months later, the Petitioner has realized that pupillage can still be worse than looking like squashed banana with a dislocated arm and perforated lip, having a near-death bus collision and breaking down at work leading to prescribed muscle relaxants, all rolled into one. The only thing that has managed to persuade the Petitioner to leave work at a decent hour is the unqualified fear that there is a resident ghost roaming the office. At this stage, previous ambition of neurosurgery should be referred to.

The Petitioner would like to thank the following people: her Master Irene Yong (law is genderless), who managed to persuade Shearn Delamore that the applicant in the purple jacket was worth considering, her mover Mr Suaran, her parents and family (without their guidance and sister's persuasion (emotional blackmail), she would probably be a baker by now), her second family SMACC, who made sure she ate and had a social life, her third family ATC CF without whom she wouldn't have bothered getting through the CLP, her chambering peers at Shearn without whom she would have given up halfway and Stephanie Yeo for arranging that dodgy taxi driver that nearly killed me with worse driving skills than mine when I was already half dead and looking like squashed banana (you know I still love you :p).

Last but not at all least, the Petitioner credits everything she is and everything that was and everything that could possibly be, to her LORD and Saviour, Jesus Christ, who is sitting at the right hand of God the Father, the author and perfecter of a broken, stubborn life. The only reason the Petitioner is standing before this honourable Court is through the will of no other and so the Petitioner dedicates this day and all other days to the only person that mattes when everything fades and turns to dust.

There is much talk of justice, much dissention about what is fair and what is not, much fear about stolen rights. The Most High looks on in derision. Who can stand His wrath? Who can measure His glory? Even breath is a poor ally when we are before the Almighty. Therefore, let your words be few and let your minds not be puffed up thinking you already know enough. The Petitioner does not know how long the honourable will continue to be honoured since the One to be honoured above all is left as a spectator in His own court. To the Petitioner, there is no honour in being honoured. There is only honour when our name is found in someone whose Name cannot be questioned. Whose Name will not be questioned, whatever the decision of the honourable Court.

I hope and trusts that all papers are in order and that the Petitioner is a fit and proper person to be admitted to the Bar... else the Petitioner will have to come up with another speech.

Wednesday, January 06, 2010

How hungry can you get?

Do NOT read if you've just eaten unless you have very strong peristalsis muscles.

There was a deep fried cockroach in my chips tonight. I niftly picked it out with my knife and fork, put it to one side and continued chomping on my spuds. I have put it down to being totally engrossed in my book that a roach in my dinner didn't pass as anything out of the ordinary.

Am feeling a little green now...

Tuesday, January 05, 2010

Ayam basah (I am wet)

On the day I decide to wear a nice pair of shoes to work, it RAINS!

Tyng Yng said I need a _______ with a car.

The Jamek Triangle

Near the green pastures of Dataran Merdeka, one can find a quaint, colonial, white-washed building with burnt orange (red?) roof sitting in an estuary that floods all the time. This is the church that BK is currently (and indefinitely) working in (although at this particular point in time he might be in bed yet - lucky...).

Near the old High Court (currently Industrial Relations Court), between the waterfall (of youth) and the eternal mamak and in front of the perpetual 7-Eleven is where WN sits and wonders how to do bills of costs. He will also be there indefinitely.

In front of HSBC, in the concrete jungle which is Leboh Ampang, sits moi, twiddling my feet, pondering whether gazing longingly at my new shoe calender (a shoe a day, imagine that!) will solve my very complicated and messy life. If I were an engineer would it be any more structured?

Monday, January 04, 2010

First of the New

I enter the New Year as I had last left the one past and am starting to understand that there is no real 'starting afresh' just because the numbers on the calender have changed. Yes, I can choose to use each beginning of each year to commence something new and exciting and life-changing but that leaves me with several problematic possibilities. 

If starting afresh became the ultimate for each year, the emotional and psychological lows if I fail to meet the next 'new high' could potentially convince me that the year will be rubbish throughout (if I can't even start it well, how do I finish well?). Besides that, if I only used the New Year as a point of reference before changing an inherently wrong way of thinking or motive, surely my progress will be dampened and the reason of New Year used as an excuse to harden my heart against changing. Also, before action, decisions need to be made, plans thought out and options weighed. If I depended on the New Year as the timeline for deciding that next move, I will probably never do what I've set out to in the first place. Some things need to let simmer and mature. Some things you really need to force through.

I do not think time should be taken as a constraint against change. Change happens with time but who is to say change will not happen even if time were void? There have been plans made for the New Year, not simply because it is the 'new' year but because, as a natural progression from previous years (and for some plans, a result of many years past), it seems well and befitting that they happen this year.

I cannot tell what will happen this year. I cannot tell the things lined up in the coming months or even days. Yesterday I was reminded that I still have to work on controlling my temper. Today I may be pensive and tomorrow I might be overwhelmed. There have been personal goals set for this year which I hope to see to fruition. Goals which keep my eyes focused and my heart hopeful despite my soul being tired and my spirit waned for having to create and recreate for myself each time a reason to be joyful in circumstances I would rather not be in.

Jesus is King but whether or not I get knocked down by a car, He is still King.
Jesus is LORD but it doesn't mean I won't get pushed over today.
Jesus is coming again but work requests still need to be responded to.