Some see doubt as a bad thing; something to keep one from succeeding. I see my many moments of doubt as a counterbalance; something to keep me from rushing headfirst into sinking sand for the fun of it. I find that as my quiet times decrease, my doubts increase but it only takes a few moments of quiet until the tension between paranoid doubt and wreckless abandon finds an equilibrium.
For as long as I have remembered, Law has never been something I have pursued. I can't for the life of me relate to people who say that they've wanted to do Law since they were in Secondary school, or weirder still, since they were 6 or 7. How can a 6 or 7-year old know that they want to do Law??? I didn't know that I wanted to do Law even when I took it up at College. I don't know that I want to do Law even as I rise at 6 and pack the same breakfasts, get on the train and go to the same office everyday and make decisions on behalf of my Clients. I don't know if Law is something I want to do but I know that the line I'm in has offered me the opportunity (not to be a lawyer mind you, that's a side perk for society to enjoy whilst I struggle to live up to the title) to enhance and sharpen skills I already possess and to take them to a level I wouldn't otherwise have been able to embrace and call my own.
I like writing. If left to my own devices, I would start writing a thesis on how my Clients should better treat their employees instead of drafting an air-tight contract to protect them from unscrupulous subsidiaries. Being in the position I am forces me to leave imagination of Oz and Wonderland in a large closet and decisively apply myself sharply, critically and pre-emptively.
To say I like management is an understatement. There was a time in life when I colour-coded my sponges and got annoyed when a file was literally, less then an inch away from the edge of the shelf. Managing itemized things that don't talk back to you is easier than managing people. I now have 4 people working with me and I have to learn to draw the line between 'friend' and 'boss,' a line which before I would "tsk" and "pooh" at, considering people who drew the line to be lazy or pitifully unversatile. Now circumstances call for me to reevaluate my once-assumed pristine management skills.
Work has driven me to the ground not simply because of the load but because my stake in the challenges it has thrown at me is innate. It's not simple a vested interest in work or wages, it strikes at the core of my personal make-up, my ingrained sense of confidence in my own ability to be good at what I know I am good at.
If it were just about the wages or saying "I'm a lawyer," I would have quit long ago. Then again, God hasn't let me. Work isn't merely a means to an end to me. It isn't about climbing the ladder. The ladder exists as a by-product of the creation of work yet it seems that everyone has given the ladder more priority than the work which was created, and even less time to the Creator who made work and saw that it was good.
There's probably something round the bend which will push me to the point of matrixness ( I point and the folder magically opens haha) and I hope to be there when it happens.