Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Clocking out

After 375 hours of work today, my nerves felt like they had been hit by a tank of caffeine on an empty stomach. I couldn't even stand still while waiting for the train. Thoughts of crashing into bed were eluded by the lure of Thai curry sneaking through the air on the walk home so I popped into the local 7-Eleven and grabbed some decent reading material featuring posh food and 18th century English barn convertions before digging into some kong nam fried rice at Piccadilly (the restaurant and nowhere near Bridget Jones or Colin Firth unfortunately).

Now, I'm ready for bed, smelling of my favourite perfume. How long will this last? According to my watch, another 22 minutes.

Bring on Wednesday.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Anger management

Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep the furnace of anger fuelled. I often dream of setting people who hurt me on fire, obliterating them into indeterminate, distorted, chargrilled smudges on concrete walls, their contorted, disbelieving faces staring back as they meet their nemesis. In my dreams, distinctions between right and wrong are blurred as I psychotically burn enemies alive with torched palms ala Dragonball, intensifying the heat with each shriek the writhing corpses emit, infused with the adrenaline of provoking God to strike me dead before I finish my murderous plan. Sometimes I wish I didn't know such anger.

Anger knows no friendship and recognises no relationship with the object at which it is directed. Anger remembers no good deed and finds no solace in forgiveness. Anger remembers and is reminded of its own existence by its open wounds still seeping with the effect of broken promises, broken trust and mistreatment. Anger hurts because it is hurting. Anger is hurting because anger has been wronged.

Humankind has broken trust with God and in His righteous anger, he no longer recognises us as His. We have no relationship with Him and have no way of returning for He has turned His back on us. We are the ones to blame in a broken relationship that cannot be appeased because we cannot even seek the person we have wronged to appease Him. We do not know where He is and as bitterness eats into our souls, we start pointing fingers and blaming Him for not returning our false remorse and white-washed regret. We blame Him for His anger when we are the ones who have angered Him. There is judgment hanging over our heads but the ominous threat of final separation does not come from the day-to-day wrongdoings we commit in public and in secret; it goes much deeper than that. Lovers are torn apart not by one forgetting to take the garbage out, but by worthless trysts of a filthy heart that marrs the sanctity of a faithful commitment of love.

No olive branch can settle the hurt. The Lover's demands require not just a change of heart expressed in speech and thought and deed, but the price of blood and flesh to eradicate all trace of anger (we call it propitiation and expiation). After having lived a life perfectly pleasing to God, who, even after living in such utter faithfulness can willingly submit to the full force of the anger of a betrayed Deity, burrowed into flesh and spirit and rise to a restored relationship? Only God Himself can. Only Jesus did.

Ironically, after I awake from slumber, I find my energy spent and my anger, a hollow shell.

Even as I remember my own anger and imagine God's holy wrath, I struggle with forgiveness. I have been wronged. Where's my recompense? I can choose to put my interest first and cut off ties with the people who have hurt me, being indifferent to their well-being, feelings or lives or I can choose to be like my Father, who, after looking at Jesus, remembers that He doesn't remember any longer.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Squeak

The Firm's having its Annual Dinner and Dance (ADD), also known as a time to let your hair down if you happen to be a closet ADD of another sort (Attention Deficit Disorder - do I really have to spell it out for you?). This year they've come up with some theme thingy based on 'singers.' If I go dressed as Madonna or Britney (Lord help me) or J-Lo (slightly more respectable), the most I'd don would be some see-through lace thingy with thigh high boots paired with a Louis Vuitton bag and Aviator glasses.

That's boring to the max. Given that MJ just moonwalked off this planet, I'm sure someone would turn up as him and someone's friend would turn up as Elvis so either option is out. I'm not blonde enough to be Marilyn or dark enough to be Marilyn Manson. I'm certainly not buff enough to pass for Jay-Z and my booty would do Tina Turner no good turns.

Just as I thought I had no choice but to go as pie-making Snow White (someone should send the Health and Safety Officers after her judging by the way she enlists the help of icky jungle fowl to bake her pies), a grin and smirk caught my eye and in an instant I knew that my high-pitched voice was given for such a moment as this.

Friday, July 10, 2009

What work is to me

Some see doubt as a bad thing; something to keep one from succeeding. I see my many moments of doubt as a counterbalance; something to keep me from rushing headfirst into sinking sand for the fun of it. I find that as my quiet times decrease, my doubts increase but it only takes a few moments of quiet until the tension between paranoid doubt and wreckless abandon finds an equilibrium.

For as long as I have remembered, Law has never been something I have pursued. I can't for the life of me relate to people who say that they've wanted to do Law since they were in Secondary school, or weirder still, since they were 6 or 7. How can a 6 or 7-year old know that they want to do Law??? I didn't know that I wanted to do Law even when I took it up at College. I don't know that I want to do Law even as I rise at 6 and pack the same breakfasts, get on the train and go to the same office everyday and make decisions on behalf of my Clients. I don't know if Law is something I want to do but I know that the line I'm in has offered me the opportunity (not to be a lawyer mind you, that's a side perk for society to enjoy whilst I struggle to live up to the title) to enhance and sharpen skills I already possess and to take them to a level I wouldn't otherwise have been able to embrace and call my own.

I like writing. If left to my own devices, I would start writing a thesis on how my Clients should better treat their employees instead of drafting an air-tight contract to protect them from unscrupulous subsidiaries. Being in the position I am forces me to leave imagination of Oz and Wonderland in a large closet and decisively apply myself sharply, critically and pre-emptively.

To say I like management is an understatement. There was a time in life when I colour-coded my sponges and got annoyed when a file was literally, less then an inch away from the edge of the shelf. Managing itemized things that don't talk back to you is easier than managing people. I now have 4 people working with me and I have to learn to draw the line between 'friend' and 'boss,' a line which before I would "tsk" and "pooh" at, considering people who drew the line to be lazy or pitifully unversatile. Now circumstances call for me to reevaluate my once-assumed pristine management skills.

Work has driven me to the ground not simply because of the load but because my stake in the challenges it has thrown at me is innate. It's not simple a vested interest in work or wages, it strikes at the core of my personal make-up, my ingrained sense of confidence in my own ability to be good at what I know I am good at.

If it were just about the wages or saying "I'm a lawyer," I would have quit long ago. Then again, God hasn't let me. Work isn't merely a means to an end to me. It isn't about climbing the ladder. The ladder exists as a by-product of the creation of work yet it seems that everyone has given the ladder more priority than the work which was created, and even less time to the Creator who made work and saw that it was good.

There's probably something round the bend which will push me to the point of matrixness ( I point and the folder magically opens haha) and I hope to be there when it happens.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Daniel started this...

1. How old are you?
Quarter of a century - facing midlife crisis based on Michael Jackson's lifespan

2. Are you single?
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes....

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
Life begins at 40.

4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
I'm not with anyone... although my dad thinks I am (Pa, I don't have any "special" friend kay???).

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
Superman

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
He can choose his bestmen; I have chosen 6 on my side.

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
Doesn't matter as long as it's rockin'.

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Horse riding across Peru? Watching polar bears in Alaska? Camping on a Naravo reserve?

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
It'll probably be a 3-parter across the world so maybe over 1,000 in all.

10. Will that include your exes?
Yeah, why not?

11. how many layers of cake do you want?
I want a hazelnut chocolate cake shaped like a giant treasure chest with gold dusted chocolate coins and leaves around the bottom and 2 gold-coloured elephants sitting on it.

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Depends on Q7.

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
Only one song?

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork? knife?
NOW, you're talking!

Malaysia - full on 10-course Chinese/ Fusion(?) meal with the usual but be prepared for Peking duck pancake and soft shall crab crepe thrown in as starter, cold lemon and sea coconut dessert and stuffed vinegar pig's trotter somewhere in between - don't expect shark's fin soup or alcohol.

UK - 5 course ala carte; choice of (because whilst in Malaysia we eat everything, it seems the rest of the world is allergic):-

Non - vegetarian
Starter - cheese platter and water crackers
Soup - cream of asparagus and parsley with saffron biscotti
Fish - Scallops, crab and king prawn in puff pastry
Main - Beef Wellington or Lemon Chicken Kiev, both served with Thai mango salad
Dessert - choice of Chestnut cream meringue or fruit in custard with shortcrust pastry

Vegetarian
Starter - cheese platter and water crackers
Soup - cream of asparagus and parsley with saffron biscotti
"Fish" - Japanese miso salad with avocado
Main - Vegetarian paella
Dessert - choice of Chestnut cream meringue or fruit in custard with shortcrust pastry

There'll also be a nut-free and/or gluten free alternative.

Finger food: pigeon and salmon with philadelphia and chives on water crackers, an assortment of cuban tapas, passionfruit juice
Remember: there's chocolate wedding cake as well!!!

15. Champagne or red wine?
Neither. You'll drink tea/ juice/ sparkling and be happy about it.

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Doesn't matter.

17. Money or household items?
Depends if I have a place of my own yet. If items, I'll have an online wishlist.

18. How many kids would you like to have?
Children are a heritage from the LORD; Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. A custom-made, 14-seater, carved Nyato table with matching upholstered chairs from Abitex will cost about RM20,000.

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
Wah, so free ah?

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
Doesn't matter. Surprise me.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Deuce

So, like I mentioned before, my last week was not s-w-e-e-t but this week has taken a turn for the better; I've actually managed to have dinner every night since Saturday and it's great! Waiting for next week to come by; it'll be a toss up between rock or roll.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Breaking point

Last Thursday was not a good day.
Last Friday was not a good day.
Last Saturday and Sunday were not good days either.

I felt crap because I felt responsible. My definition of responsible is having to know where every file is, what every status of every file is and comprehend every correspondence that has gone on with any file.

To begin with, I barely knew where any file was. I was struggling to reach a standard I had preset for myself and ended up bursting into tears at work after a co-worker asked me a question because I felt like a complete loser. I ended up going home at 4am because I wanted to clear all my guilt (literally) away.

On Friday I had to do pro bono work and ended up going home at 2am. I was now emotionally and physically tired.

On Saturday and Sunday I turned on the tap far too easily for my liking despite my every intention not to do so. I believe the last time I cried so shamelessly in public I was standing in the rain in the dark. I was feeling thoroughly miserable and yet refused to admit that I had been defeated.

Somewhere between Sunday evening and Monday morning, a veil lifted and the mist faded away. Failure is the beginning of growth, not the beginning of the end.

I believe God is keeping me here for reasons I cannot and will not try to fathom.