Friday, June 26, 2009

So not ready

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere ~ Psalm 84:10

I used to think I could take anything thrown at me; now I'm not so sure if I'm ready for anything. Yesterday definitely set my personal precedent for being an emotional wreck, startling people who knew me as a stoic (and I'm not talking about Michael Jackson's demise). Even now the remnant of emotional resurgence threatens and listening to Jacko on the airwaves reminds me that even genius is temporary and what counts is deeper than what can be tangibly calculated and measured.

Imagining what could be is never the same as having to go through what is and yet what is now is more that even what I imagined now would be. I had always thought that cracking was a sign of weakness but since this pot finally cracked, I realise that strength lies not in the absence of imperfection but in the face of it. If anything, I wear my battle scars with pride; I have endured and I have resolved to continue persevering.

Maybe in living through all the doubt, I might be more ready than I give myself credit for. Now, if only I could make sense of what I just wrote...

Monday, June 22, 2009

You never know

There are days when I love my work; there are days when one more incoming email could drive me to tears.

There are moments when I think I hate the smell of curry in my hair; there are hours where the Mamak stall is the best place to be.

There are days when friends annoy the heck out of you; there are lifetimes that get affected by friendships.

There are nights when being alone feels lonely; there are times when I need to get away from it all.

There are instances of both Pinky and the Brain.

There are constant fluctuations between 'endearing' and 'enduring.'

There are people of whom I've thought, "Not in a million years"... ... ... then someone says, "You should marry the most imperfect person you can live with" and all of a sudden things start making sense.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009


2000 - i can feel a headache coming... really want a massage.
2200 - headache. turn over. maybe it'll go away. hong iu and tiger balm.
0000 - still there. tiger balm addict.
0300 - can't take it anymore. 450mg naproxen goes in. luckily none comes back up although mental plan was made to rush to bathroom.
0500 - should i take leave off work tomorrow? can feel joint cramps kicking in.
0630 - shower. maybe a head massage with hair conditioner would work. sticks 'salonplas' heat plasters all over body. i smell like 2 grandmothers rolled into one.
0730 - at work. not hungry. hungry. not hungry. hungry. milo.
0930 - have 2 hours gone by already???
1100 - is it just me or is it really warm?
1300 - i really need to sleep. anything to eat? 5 peanuts.
1400 - someone suggests i take the day off. i shrug; it's only 3 more hours to the bell.
1500 - i am feeling unnaturally cold. wearing 3 layers and a pashmina. i start hearing voices which are calling me and when i go to the room with pen in hand, she looks at me puzzled because she hadn't called. thoughts off quitting and returning to 'normal' chambering runs through my head.
1600 - next lot of medication; 1g panadol. there's email after email after email after email....
1630 - everyone seems to think their work is more important for me to complete. i have over 25 things staring back at me. i like to do lists but this seems out of hand.
1700 - hand work in. wait....
1730 - time to go home! but medicine has kicked in and now i feel it a waste to leave when i can work. still waiting for work to be commented on.
1830 - waiting... wondering if i'll make it home in time to collect laundry
1930 - liklihood of collecting laundry drifting further and further away. work day ends well. you can only see the silver lining really clearly when the sun [SON of GOD]'s in the right place.
2000 - roti telur bawang and macdonald's chocolate coated cone.
2200 - no headache. going to bed. looking forward to tomorrow.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

It's Official

I am pleased to announce that what was once only a vague notion is now reality:

I am no longer just a number; I am a name.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Finding Bob

Bobby has branched into seafood. Perhaps in an attempt to promote 'healthy' living and a 'greener' environment. Perhaps. It's hard to see how frying ringed squid over an open fryer makes a cleaner environment, or an ecologically friendly gut. Maybe it's just because he saves time as seafood cooks faster and one can always persuade hungry people to buy both chicken and seafood instead of just chicken. Some people have no self control.

Having said that, Bob tastes (dare I say this?), even better once you let him chill overnight and have him for breakfast on a lazy morning. If only the Earl of Grey were here. And if he brought a chocolate companion, for 15 minutes, life could make sense.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Can you identify?

On a day like this I want to crawl beneath a rock
A million miles from the world, the noise, the commotion
That never seems to stop

And on a day like this I want to run away from the routine
Run away from the daily grind that can suck the life
Right out of me
I only know of one place I can run to
I want to hide in You
The Way, the Life, the Truth
So I can disappear
And love is all there is to see
Coming out of me
And You become clear
As I disappear

I don't want to care about earthly things
Be caught up in all the lies that trick my eyes
They say it's all about me
I'm so tired of it being about me

I would rather be cast away
Separated from the human race
If I don't bring You glory

"Disappear" by Bebo Norman. To hear the song on You Tube, click here.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Diary-ing it in

I never understood the concept of 'me time.' I always thought my time was mine to use anyway I wanted to. That has since changed as circumstances do. My creative mind has been somewhat dulled into a juggling act of to do things that need to be completed. Lessons learnt in the past about word definitions namely "urgent" and "important" are proving very useful; what is important is not necessarily urgent and what is urgent is not necessarily important and I have to prioritise accordingly. As a self-confessed workaholic, the only thing keeping me from doing all nighters at the office is the even stronger desire to smell good in the morning. And for that I need a shower which means I need to go home.

I shall endeavour to allocate 'me' time. More importantly, I need God time.

Esther's Drain Brain

1. Last beverage: Beer this morning
2. Last phone call: To Hui Ling; looking for direction to a GREAT place to eat in Rawang (Xiao Fei Xiang ie "Small Flying Elephant")
3. Last text message: Sam saying he's got a dragonboat race today

4. Last song you listened to: Joy to the World (for me, it's Christmas everyday)
5. Last time you cried: Does a spontaneous whimper count? Last week I think.

6. Dated someone twice: No, but I've dated "No one" twice. Hehe
7. Been cheated on: Refer to 6.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: I think the last person I kissed was my friend Grace Muna in Primary 5...
9. Lost someone special: They're all 'somewhere out there'
10. Been depressed: Several times a day
11. Been drunk and threw up: Vodka Orange in the Slug and Lettuce, Bayswater


15. Made a new friend: Friends, plural.
16. Fallen out of love: With pirated CDs, yes.
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes, at the Wong & Partners Company trip when the guys had to go drag to win points.
18. Met someone who changed you: Am always incorrigibly changing
19. Found out who your true friends were: It's all relative isn't it?
20. Found out someone was talking about you: You mean people AREN'T talking about me?
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: Not that I remember
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: 95%
23. How many kids do you want to have: 12
24. Do you have any pets: Yes
25. Do you want to change your name? : If I hitched myself to a Kee, Kee, Key, Kii or Quay, I'll have a double barrel surname which sounds like "Wonky." Awesome.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Ate my way through it
27. What time did you wake up today: 9ish
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Eating Assam noodles
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: The end
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Friday, 22 May 2009
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Drink milk when I had the chance to be less vertically challenged
32. What are you listening to right now: Some computer system whirring in the office
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Many times
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: No ice cream within reach
35. Most visited webpage: If it's not on Wiki, it doesn't exist
36. Whats your real name: Bob
37. Nicknames: Dish Washer
38. Relationship Status: In a relationship and it's complicated, ok??!!??
39. Zodiac sign: Baa
40. Male or female?: You think?!
41. Elementary?: Lodge Preparatory
42. Middle School?: Convent wannabe
43. High school/college?: Convent wannabe 2.0
44. Hair colour: As is
45. Long or short: Cropped
46. Height: Don't bother
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Why can't I multitask and have several crushes on several people at the same time?
48: What do you like about yourself?: Everything
49. Piercings: Used to be 8, after accident downgraded to 3 :(
50. Tattoos: 2?
51. Righty or lefty: Ambi

52. First surgery: 25th April 2009
53. First piercing: Year 2000
54. First best friend: Mabel? Linda? Phelia?
55. First sport you joined: Horse riding
56. First vacation: Hong Kong 1986
58. First pair of trainers: When I stopped succeeding in getting people to carry me

59. Eating: Zilch
60. Drinking: Zilch
61. I'm about to: Finish 3 files and go look for Baskin Robbins
62. Listening to: Car racing by outside window
63. Waiting on: God's timing

64. Want kids?: Refer to Point 23 above
65. Get Married?: Not my call
66. Career?: Stable hand

WHICH IS BETTER : [disclaimer I find this section restrictive]
67. Lips or eyes: Both
68. Hugs or kisses: Both
69. Shorter or taller: Either
70. Older or Younger: Either
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice?????
73. Sensitive or loud: When the occasion calls for it; either
74. Hook-up or relationship: Isn't a hook-up an instant relationship?
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Over the edge nuts

76. Kissed a stranger: Not that I recall
77. Drank hard liquor: Liquid's not hard...
78. Lost glasses/contacts: No but dropped them on purpose, yes
79. Sex on first date: Refer to point 6
80. Broken someone's heart: Won't know
82. Been arrested: No, but have sat in a police car
83. Turned someone down: Not directly
84. Cried when someone died: Who died?
85. Fallen for a friend?: Yes, then I realized that all I got was bruised knees

86. Yourself: Ya-ah
87. Miracles: So does Whitney and Mariah
88. Love at first sight: No
89. Heaven: Yes
90. Santa Claus: He's my Pa
91. Kiss on the first date: Bring mistletoe and chocolate.
92. Angels: Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: [as if I haven't been answering truthfully before!]
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Refer to point 6 AGAIN.
95. Did you sing today?: No, it isn't raining.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: Bring on the dinos
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? The only day I want to relive was the day I went horse riding in Mongolia (2007).
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: No, after a while you get used to it
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: Slightly annoying. Questions had a tendency of repeating themselves.