Thursday, February 26, 2009

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Shapeshifter

I'm expanding my skill base in all directions so my journey can be further. Greater. Deeper.

Priorities are shifting.

Now I'm playing the waiting game.

Was never very good at it.

Make a move!

Monday, February 23, 2009

Comfort food

Mulling over my chicken and sawi (mustard greens) in broth with rice over dinner today, it suddenly hit me that what I took to be comfort food was broadly divided into 2 categories; there's the "I-want-to-be-comforted" comfort food and the "I-am-comfortable" comfort food. This is a breakthrough! I had always thought that comfort food meant eating to comfort myself when in actual fact it isn't!

The more I think about it, the more it makes sense. When I want creamy or dairy foods such as carbonara, cheese, chocolate and ice cream, I'm usually in a fairly upbeat mood hence the I-am-comfortable happy feeling that goes with it. However, when I'm in need of some TLC and am feeling pensive or sullen, I tend to swing towards porridge, soup noodles, earl grey tea or clear herb broth. There have been days when I forgo my usual staple at certain eateries because I'm simply 'not in the mood' for it even if it happens to be my favourite dish on the menu. When I'm anxious, I tend towards chewy things rather than crunchy and when I'm excited I tend to reach for more sour things. When I am truly anxious or otherwise preoccupied, I either eat nothing or eat anything (so far oranges, cherry tomatoes, guavas and aubergines have slipped through the net in this manner) because my brain forgets to filter that I don't like it cos it's so worked up about other issues.

Now I am feeling really happy because all of a sudden I can tell what kind of mood I'm in by the food my glands crave after :) It'll definitely be a step closer to knowing which direction my mind has subconsciously taken and whether it is sated or disgruntled. I might also try manipulate my own feelings to work towards a more desirable balance of emotions through my stomach.

The way to a woman's heart is (also) through her stomach. As long as you can tell what her stomach desires. The days I say "no" to chocolate are winge-worthy, down-in-the-dumps days.

As if it is easier than telling what her mind is going on about.

Sunday, February 22, 2009

7 months... and a bit

The restlessness is stirring again. Part of me feels uncomfortable that it's still there; I should be content. Part of me feels glad that I haven't lost the urge. That my passion remains undiluted. That my feet are raring to take to flight. Every once in a while I unfold my wings and scrutinize them, noticing how people, events and circumstances have carved indelible marks and trails, moulding them, testing them, strengthening them to push me further. Even now as I type this, I'm flexing my blades checking out my imaginary, translucent silver-blue, 12-foot span aviator's dream.

Seven more months. If only I can wait it out patiently. I think I've been in the wilderness long enough. I'm poised ready to enter the Promise Land.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

In the face of fear (III)

A friend and I were talking about why we fear what we fear and if fear should have any place in our lives if we profess to be Christ-centered. Truth be told, Christians aren't supernatural beings. We don't do good works all the time. We don't proclaim God as often as we should. We don't have a default nature of looking on others with compassion.

Serial liars don't automatically end the lying just because they've accepted Christ. Alcoholics don't stop becoming alcoholics just because they've turned to Christ. Cowards don't suddenly become brave. Christians are just judged all the more for the character ills we too face, often because of a misunderstanding by Christian and non-Christian alike that we should all of a sudden be an exemplary slice of humanity and bring peace to the world. Having said that, even if the world sees any positive impact Christians make on any current situation or social problem, they are quick to either coincide it with social, economical or political influence or give praise to everyone but the Creator God.

Don't tell me, "Each to his own" and then expect me to sit back passively and swallow all the nonsense you want to tell me about your notion of morality. If you really believe in the 'each to his own' concept, don't then hypocritically tell me that what I believe in is rubbish because as you said, 'each to his own.' By admission of your own philosophy, at the very least, you disrespect me by saying my beliefs are inferior to yours.

For instance, I believe that God's framework of Salvation works for you as it does for me. You then say, "Each to his own," but what you really mean is "Have whatever convictions you may as long as they don't clash with mine."

Back to fear. People in the Bible were often afraid. After all, fear comes from living in a fallen world. Adam and Eve were greedy. They wanted to grasp equality with God. But after they decided to decide for themselves, they realised that they fell short of the standard of even decently taking care of themselves. That was the beginning of fear in the line of humanity as we know it. We realise we are simply not able enough to cope on our own and this is expressed in our reaction to things we cannot handle.

Fear, like everything else created, began good for God saw that it was good. The fear of the LORD existed in the Garden of Eden. The fear of the LORD doesn't mean to be afraid of His all-surpassing power, it is to be secure in His absoluteness.

The fear of the LORD is the beginning of wisdom. It doesn't mean I have stopped being afraid of certain things or that I have learnt to submit fully to the One who knows what's best for me. It doesn't mean I live in apprehension of Jesus' Second Coming nor that I provoke my weaknesses in crooked masochistic revelry. It simply means I am learning to find my role in this fallen world, in the light of a glorious finish when His Majesty comes down to wind up history. I do not want to be a usurper of any role only to find that my feet are not big enough to fill them... and mind you, I have tiny feet! As strange as this sounds and stranger still that the realisation stemmed from ripping fear, I have come to the conclusion, that for me at least, constant and renewed submission to a God beyond utter compare is the key to finally being released from what it is that binds me to fear.

Sometimes, just like a well-tuned thriller movie, fear is given more 'fear factor' credit than it is due.
Job 11:14-16, Psalm 34:4, Psalm 55:5, Micah 7:17, Isaiah 57:11

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bah humbug!

Love... doesn't keep a record of wrongs.
Man, I knew there was a catch somewhere!


Learn.
Everyday is a fresh start.


Smile.
There's a chance you might forget what happened yesterday.


Pray.
Because only God knows what you're truly feeling.


Love.
Because the world thinks it has it.
When it really needs it.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Principles

What are you principles worth? Are your values just hot air that disappear when someone comes to try blow them away? Is your stand only as strong as the sand it is sinking into? What is your price?

For the last week I have been bombarded with these questions from various sources.

At church we learned about Satan; how like the king of Sodom and like the Witch in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, he offers us seeming abundance for nothing and a never ending stream of get-out clauses to an easier life.

"Take the bribe and you'll get respect from the right crowd."

"Just tell that white lie. No one will get hurt."

"Take a pill and satisfy your lust."

"Cheat and make your parents proud."

Yet, always behind those empty promises is a trap of deceit and guilt:

"No one will know."

For someone who likes words, I find it extremely hard to word what it means to me for us, as Malaysians, and even more so, as Malaysian-Christians, to make a firm stand for love than resounds unceasingly, for truth that is real, for a heart that is righteous. Does it ache for you when there is within, a piercing conviction that all is not right and that something must be done yet nothing is followed through?

We know all too well our social and political backdrop and we must be aware that for every nasty incident that gets smeared on the front page, there are twice as many people more crooked in the background. I just wonder how many people are willing to say no to the forces at work, out to destroy the delicate fabric and weak threads of solidarity.

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:12)

We must not be swayed by political slander. We must not be dragged into the debate of minor issues as an excuse to avoid major ones. We must not push selfish agendas at the expense of others not because what goes around comes around, but because we are to live in fear and trembling of a holy God who looks beyond appearances of grandeur, flawed legislation and even stunted morals. We are to live before our God despite ridicule and unfounded pity, not just in our private lives but in every aspect and at every moment of our public lives.

David, wearing a linen ephod, danced before the LORD with all his might... (2 Samuel 6:14)

Why is the human stain so apparent and yet no one wants to notice its crippling effects because people just assume it is a condition that cannot be cured. Some even revel in it.

"That's just the way things are."

Sometimes it's hard to be coherent when there is much to say.

On a personal level, I have had to place a number on my worth recently but some things are just not negotiable. It has not been without cost to myself but I have come away a wiser, more shrewd and more discerning person. And most importantly, I have not compromised my stand.

Monday, February 16, 2009

Surprised by Joy

I am moving on.

I have accepted that though I may never belong, I am, in part, at rest.

I'm expanding my creative horizons purposefully.

I'm teaching. And it's actually fun! Mum was right...

I'm using past hurt to heal broken wings.

Work has not taken over my life.

I'm doing work I enjoy.

I have learnt that to fully love means to be made fully vulnerable. And it's ok.

It's not great. But it's ok.

I'm eating food I like.

I love Jesus with every single beat of my shattered heart.

I'm happy.

I praise You in the worst of times; I praise You in the best of times.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Everyone's favourite day

Valentine's day is to Christmas what an Indian summer is to summer... and we all LOVE Christmas!
N.B This is not a hint on any way, shape, form, matter or intention.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Numb


I've reached a creative blockade.


I need to find the heart, the core, the one thing that will shock and stir at the same time.


I have 48 hours.


Defend the cause of the weak and fatherless; maintain the rights of the poor and oppressed.


Psalm 82:3

Monday, February 09, 2009

Chap Goh Meh

Another day of firsts.

So I didn't throw an orange (or pomelo) into the Klang River, but I did ride an ostrich and received a certificate for it!

Fed ostriches. It feels like a large pair of pliers when they jab at the corn in your palm. I think they will make very efficient guard dogs. I didn't see even one bury its head in the sand.

Fed very smelly goats. I wished I had 6 goats.

Saw a nanny-goat give birth and deal with the kid and afterbirth. Was completely mesmerized. Was extremely annoyed when people started taking PHOTOS of it and even had the audacity to use flash!

There was a pony tied to a tree and I wanted to take it home cos it looked so pitiful. I bought an extra cup of feed for it. Maybe I'll save up for a pony instead of a car.

I bought a wooden doorstop that looked like a carved horse head.

I want a farm.

Ryl tagged me

Tagged by Ryl.

Use the first letter of your name to answer each of the following questions. They have to be real...nothing made up! If the person before you had the same first initial, you must use different answers. You cannot use any word twice and you can't use your name for the boy/girl name question.

1. What is your name : Debibo

2. A four Letter Word : Dogs :)

3. A boy's Name : Dougal

4. A girl's Name : Delilah

5. An occupation : Dragon-slayer; this is NOT made up! There WERE dragon slayers in this world.. YES of course there were dragons, what planet are you living in???

6. A color : Dun

7. Something you'll wear : Dress

9. A type of food : Dahl (no bhat haha!)

10. Something found in the bathroom : Door (it's technically still in the bathroom)

11. A place : Dakota

12. A reason for being late : Dinosaur chased me (ok this isn't real but we 'make up' excuses for being late all the time). For boredom's sake, dropped my keys down a drain. See that was made up too! ARGH.

13. Something you'd shout : Dang!

14. A movie title : Dancing with Wolves

15. Something you drink : Distilled water

16. A musical group : Dreamgirls? DC Talk

17. An animal : Donkey

18. A street name : Dato Keramat?

19. A type of car : Dragster

20. The title of a song : Don't Love You No More (Craig David)

Saturday, February 07, 2009

ANILRAJ

Disclaimer: This is set in good humour. ANILRAJ is a very nice, witty and charming person.

Context: ANILRAJ told me that I am still more Brit than Chinese-Malaysian.

Point: He faulted what I ate as 'un-Malaysian.'

Justification: "You eat grapes instead of oranges."

Friday, February 06, 2009

Caution

Do not read if you're already having bad day; do read if you want to cry after having bad day.

Do not read if you don't want to remember your dog(s) who died; do read if you want closure.

Do not read if you're going to tear it apart as a literary work; because then people who read it for its heart will tear you apart.

If you made a nice warm cup of drink before reading it, finish the drink quickly because after reading, crying, crying some more and crying again, your drink would have turned cold.

Not to read with dog-lover in public lest dog-lover ends up crying uncontrollably and you end up embarrassed... unless you don't mind.

If dog-lover has read it within the last day or two, please understand that dog-lover will be emotionally affected and thus will either snap unreasonably or burst into tears, also unreasonably.

Having said that, the snap may just as well have been for your obnoxious behaviour.

Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Maths blunder

80% of 1.1 billion
is 880 million
and not
88 million :(
I unwittingly proclaimed
my characteristically unambivalent maths ability...
in public.
Oh well...
My only consolation
is that I'm a banana
and we all know
only true blue Chinese
can claim mathematical genius.

Monday, February 02, 2009

In the face of fear (Part II)

Wrecked. I wondered how I could cling to someone invisible. Why I still did. He hadn't been there for me. Again. Or so it seemed. He didn't even need speak and I could have been spared.

Perhaps I should just step out of the boat...

When I had gathered some sense together, I opened the Bible, eager for it to tell me how to overcome fear. Not the best use of God's word I have to admit, but I was desperate. To my surprise, the Bible seemed less concerned about my problems and more concerned about a fear of another sort.

The fear of the LORD.

Being scared is part of human behaviour. Being vulnerable, part of what makes us cherished. But to fear God - what it means and how it looks like - is a mystery that I have yet to comprehend.

God bless the broken road... that led me straight to You.

Sunday, February 01, 2009