Thursday, December 31, 2009

Exit strategy

Apparently approximately 2.5 million people in Britain would willingly trade a high flying job to clear manure and get kicked by perpetually PMS-ey equine. Even better, they would rather leave behind managing (supposedly) cerebrally competent homo sapiens to direct creatures that tap dance to every flying plastic bag and snort in wide-eyed fear at the gnarled shoe sitting in the drain, thinking that it may fall prey to the silent assassin.

I knew a horse called Tariq once, who stubbornly refused to step into any puddle on the ground because he couldn't see the bottom of it, but I digress.

Standing (or sitting as the case may be) at the cusp between 2009 and 2010, I have decided, if nothing else, to renew my riding lessons and find myself some velvet muzzle.

Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Roadblock

Sometimes it's really hard to see beyond the bridge of my nose (and my bridge is by no means prominent).

Sometimes change may seem a far-fetched idea (even though ironically by the same breath we resist the inevitable which we do not want to see).

Sometimes it takes a night out, a dinner, a cup of hot chocolate, a dash of sarcasm and meeting new faces that suddenly reveals possibilities I didn't dare take and old dreams are taken from their shoebox, dusted and considered.

Sometimes it takes simply making a decision to encourage me to think that I haven't completely lost the plot.

Sometimes a headache in the middle of the night, chronic gastric and a never-ending cough seems to be the only focus in life. But when God uses a painkiller to take them away albeit briefly, all of a sudden there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Some might call it a tangible reflection of the metaphysical.

Friday, December 18, 2009

The 12- wishes Christmas wishlist

Might as well. I feel sick and want to self-indulge in grovel.

12. Eric Clapton CD
11. Anything lavender
10. Horse figurine (please don't get the ugly ones that assumes anything with a long neck, concave nose and 4 legs represents a horse)
9. Shoes/ wacky wellies (Unlike some, I don't believe that if you buy a person shoes he/she will walk away from you)
8. Cookbooks
7. Jigsaw puzzle (no scenery or famous paintings)
6. Perfume
5. You can never go wrong with bath products (unless it smells of banana, cantaloupe or coconut)
4. The bestest chocolates
3. MP3 (see I'm humble - didn't ask for IPod nano... haha)
2. SLR (with zoom adjustable)
1. Sitting in a park in Winter wearing my favourite socks, watching the world go buy (some things just can't be bought)

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Sick as a dog

Haven't been feeling too well lately; haven't been feeling well the last month actually. The Flu has hit several times, occasionally coupled with Sore Throat, Migraine, Tummy Bug and Cough.

During the Word Works conference (late November), I had my first 'dip' in the already waning health graph. There are days when no amount of "holy brownie points" will get me out of bed even if it means studying Deuteronomy.

After happily announcing that Chief gave me a Friday off to rest, my whole body rebuked me from taking a day of work by allowing Virus to gate-crash my off day (2nd dip), leaving me feeling more sick-zombie instead of the happy-camper I had envisioned. I spent my off-day on Lynn's couch watching E! like a brain-dead lunatic in a winter jumper (because I complained it was cold even though the air-conditioning wasn't turned on) and couldn't even finish my Ipoh Hor Fun. Saturday and Sunday offered no reprieve and on Monday I was back at work.

I thought the worst of my insanely bad health was over after a round of Taboo and dinner on Friday night when the following Saturday my personal ecosystem got invaded by Bacteria (3rd dip). My central system went completely berserk. The room I usually complained was like a sauna seemed too cold; jeans felt like sandpaper; wind like papercuts; a hot shower - I turned the heater dial to maximum (something I usually only do when I'm sanitising the bathroom) - left me shivering; a short car ride set my nerve endings on edge as every pothole hit me like Mr. Ali. I said no to coffee and dinner(!). I went home to try sleep it off only to wake up in a fright because my whole body was hot and dry and didn't even feel like skin. For someone who hates sweating, I really wanted to break that fever without heating up any further.

Sometime during the night my fever broke.

Yesterday I lost my voice and was wheezing like a sick dog in office. The manager made me take MC whilst I looked forlornly at all my files. Today I was back at work.

I am still not well and don't know why I have been so ill lately but I know one good thing that has come out of it. I had to communicate with someone I really don't like at all (to put it mildly) recently and although usually I completely ignore this person and do the whole 'sad' high-school-mean-girl-thing, because I have been so ill, I was too tired to be nasty and we actually had a fairly good time considering the grooves of disdain and contempt left in our history.

Sometimes it takes being really sick to let go of things that don't matter and God is always there planning the next move; the author and perfector of my faith in more intricate ways than I can express.

Tuesday, December 08, 2009

What work can do to you

I am an Extrovert.

Have been one all my life. My other name is Dictator or Executive says Myer-Briggs. "Maybe psychotic," whispers Cedar-Sinai Medical Centre. I might as well tattoo ENTJ across my forehead.

After working for a year in a self-abasing environment, pushing myself to cock-a-doodle-doo limits, I take another test for the fun of it.

If the fried onion rings last night didn't stop my heart, this nearly did.

I am an Introvert. 

Thursday, December 03, 2009

Tremors

What a start to the day before Heaven ("Heaven" meaning because I get leave tomorrow, I can watch America's Next Top Model tonight)!

Kutu (flea) told me last night that I needed to have 3 documents in hand before serving it on the Attorney-General's Chambers, Bar Council and KL Bar. I only had 2 in hand because the 3rd wasn't given to me and yet I remember distinctly that Mr Murali whom in my head translates as "I-come-to-you-with-buckling-knees-and-cupcakes" told me that I could go ahead and serve my 2 documents first. Why is Mr Murali so important? Go here.

I was at a crossroads. It was early in the morning and there was too much jargon for my brain to process successfully.

Several phonecalls later, I confirmed with my life-saving friends that I had to wait for my 3 documents before serving. So now I had to confirm that with Mr Murali that I could wait before serving the same. Picked up the phone. Was about to launch into my "I-know-you-think-I'm-stupid-please-have-pity-on-me" script when someone else answered the call and all my questions without me having to kiss the ground they walked on.

Unfortunately now, although feeling slightly better, am still going through turmoil in my head.

What if the 3rd document only arrives in the New Year? What if my call date (date I get called to the Bar) falls on 9 January 2010? What if it falls on 8 January 2010? My papers have to be served 10 days before my call date. I was told to just sit tight and wait for my 3rd document before serving. Now I'm questioning the logic of everyone because what Mr Murali says is gold surely? To serve or not to serve?

Now, what I'm about to say is a perfect example of taking the Bible OUT OF CONTEXT and does not reflect the heaped spoonfuls of exegetical plumblines which we have been taught at SMACC. So I begin:-

Jesus said (paraphrasing), "I came to serve and not to be served."

Oh no!!!!! The Bible is saying that I HAVE to serve my papers. Die lor, die lor...

Going back to my straight-thinking mind, if I will receive a phonecall to say when my call date has been fixed, and if the call date is USUALLY one month after the said phonecall, I should assume that my call date will hover around late January 2010 and early February 2010 which leaves me PLENTY of time to file my papers. Further, and this is absolutely KEY, when I get my call date, I will have to serve THAT Notice within time as well. Which means I can never serve the papers I have now too late as it will never be later than when I serve my Notice! Yay!!! Huge rock just rolled of my shoulders (and the pounds drop off - I wish).

But from experience Murphy loves me. He ADORES me! So much so that if you told me that Murphy would arrange for me to end up wearing bright green shoes to my long call so that I had to borrow a pair of black shoes 300 sizes too large for me so that I appear presentable and accepted in Court, I would believe you.

But Jesus loves me more. Cos I'm just a dumb sheep :) And the big Three-in-One wanted me to do Law anyway so eventually everything will work out right?

But wait! The Bible says, "Do not test the Lord your God as you did in Meribah or Macau or McDonalds (you wouldn't believe the amount of testing I try to put God through at McDonald's)"

So what is my conclusion? That I will keep my eyes and ears alert and the second I receive confirmation of my call date and am in receipt of my Notice, I will borrow Herme's Sandals (or maybe ask a favour from one of the angels in Hebrews 1) and fly off everywhere to serve my papers to meet the deadline.

Therein ends my Thursday morning and I will be grateful to the Almighty if the rest of the day remains mundane and predictable.

Monday, November 30, 2009

So so tired

I did something awful. Or nearly.

Felt so horrible I nearly forced myself to have an all-out binge so that I could punish myself for having an all-out binge.

I nearly burst into tears in front of the Chief cos I felt overwhelmed.

Felt like there was no point to whatever point there might have been anymore.

Then Chief said, "I think you should take Friday off."

I knew December would be a great month...

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

Heaven will be purple


Picture by naturaworld.com

If only I could hit the snooze button on time, I would spend all day in childlike rest and all night star gazing and smelling like perfume. And God will be right there. He's all I need.

Friday, November 13, 2009

CPU down

When the effects of Affirmation take over, very little can be said and/or done to override it.

Rahni said I had lost weight. Camy very nearly said I was thin (or maybe I just chose to interpret it that way).

I was so happy...

...that I went to treat myself to an 'eat-all-you-want-gorge-my-heart-out' fest at Pasta Zanmai (yes, the same place Santa Claus blacklisted 2 entries below) and I even had.... dessert; profiteroles with ice cream and chocolate sauce topped with almond slivers, no less.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Counterfeiting vs Counting feet

Ok, so counterfeiting has nothing to do with counting feet. I think.

Unless you're counting the number of people who are involved in it. But then you would count heads instead of feet.

Unless you're vertically challenged and can't see so far ahead. But then you would have to be pretty good at division as two feet would mean one head.

Unless some counterfeiters only have one leg since they're the modern day pirates and don't some pirates have one leg?

I used to think having a pirated dvd was no big deal. A fake Gucci (fake-schmake) was a reason to laugh at someone else who obviously couldn't afford the lifestyle a Gucci promised. Fake Burberry was something the dog could wear.

Then I was asked to write an international piece on counterfeiting. Being me, any piece that has an opinion has to have my opinion. I don't like counterfeiting ideas :p

Having to have an opinion about something meant having to have principles behind the opinion. Having to have principles meant having to have morals. Morals meant ethics. Ethics meant philosophy. Philosophy meant religion and religion meant God. The first verse that came to mind was, "Like a gold ring in a pig's snout is a..." (quick recaliberation of Biblical theology flagged it as out of context).

Second verse was, "Casting pearls before swine." I can tell that I'm still excited after having had pork last night. If I have to write about anti-counterfeiting, I have to live anti-counterfeiting. It's hard to put your soul into your work when there's no soul to begin with.

I think I would rather write about counting feet.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Black paper

I doubt Santa will fill my stocking this year.

When he tiptoes pass my bed I will jump up and demand my orange bag and he will look at his list sadly and say...

"Did you or did you not, on the 6th day of the month of November in the year 2009 at approximately 9pm in Pasta Zanmai in Midvalley, polish off a scallop pizza, katsu chicken pasta, a whole crab and a pot of green tea... all by yourself?"

The end of the beginning

Yesterday was my last day as a chambering student. My only consolation is that God wants me here more than I want to be. Don't get me wrong, I am comforted and confident that this is where God wants me to be but it's hardly a self-assured confidence rather, it is of quiet faith, patient endurance and humble perseverance.

Bursting into tears whilst typing emails surrounded by mountains of files that need to be exorcised is common fare these days. As long as I manage to hide my red-rimmed eyes from the Clients, the misery goes unnoticed. Staring at grey carpet, wondering whether a certain ball of fluff was there the day before is more comforting than watching lives go by. Some Clients are driving me to the dangerous brink of shoving their business back in their face and telling them to take their upturned noses, ridiculous expectations and shallow pockets elsewhere.

Should being a 'professional' dictate what I should and shouldn't do?

Or, should being true to myself dictate how I carry my 'profession'?

I'm really tired.

Tuesday, November 03, 2009

Top 10 indications

You know you're in Malaysia when:-

1) "I see you in 5 minutes" means 15, 15 means 30 and 30 means 120. Do the maths.

2) Lepakking (loitering aimlessly) is a legitimate pastime.

3) Teh tarik (type of Indian tea) kurang manis (less sugar) means only 5 tablespoons of sugar

4) The first decision that involves thinking every morning is deciding what to eat

5) Bata is synonymous with shoes

6) Petaling Street is automatically tipped as a tourist hot-spot

7) Anyone can watch English, Cantonese, Hokkien, Tamil and Hindi movies and understand it perfectly if they can understand the Malay subtitles that go with it

8) Most advertisements will have a least one Malay, Chinese and Indian to (over)emphasise racial harmony so that 'no one' feels left out. Someone clearly forgot the Iban, Bidayuh, Melanau, Bisaya, Lun Bawang, Orang Ulu, Kayan, Kadazan, Bajau, Murut, Oang Asli, Penan, Baba Nyonya, Peranakan...

9) Voices over the intercom in trains, airports and radio sound like Americans trying to speak English like a local (like Chow Yun Fatt in "Anna and the King")

Finally....

10) You KNOW you are in Malaysia and have truly assimilated when... Nasi lemak, nasi kerabu, nasi goreng cina, nasi goreng pattaya, mee hailam, dim sum, nasi goreng usa, chee cheong fun, woh teah, gu bak mi, ipoh hor fun, ipoh hor hee, bamboo chicken, lotus root soup, ginseng chicken soup, sze chuan chicken soup, pek tin soup, groundnut and pig tail soup, ying yong, tau iu tu bak, lo bak, tu ka, ke ka, ang chiu ak, tomato mee, roti canai, roti telur bawang, maggi goreng, roti tisu, limau ais, cin cau, nasi briyani, murukku, chak fun, chendol, laksa, kari, mee jawa, kampua mee, kolo mee, mee pok, longan ais, wantan mee, murtabak, butter pork, dhal, squid with egg, ngo mi teng, sea coconut and lemon, lo mai kai, pi tan, chicken kurma, char siu pau, siu pau (different from char siu pau :p), hu ngang, egg foo yong, pohpiah, seng kam chui, bidin cha sardin, ocien, mani chai, 'wall band' and 'mat to lo' ... all sound like home to you.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Mr Murali

He's the person who 'looks after' us in the KL Duta High Court. He has the power to approve or reject our documents, papers, reports, handwriting, hair, clothes, IQ... some have retreated trembling with fear (or rage) at being treated like the amateur 'not-yet-lawyer' they are.

Excerpt of conversation with the all-important Mr Murali today:-

Debbie: Hello! *smile smile*

Mr M: Hey! Where have you been? (I am one month behind in filing my papers)

Debbie: Accident. Had to replace one month. *sticks out lower lip*

Mr M: Haha, Accident? What kind of accident?

Debbie: Bicycle. See I have this scar... *points*

Mr M: Haiyorr... *pauses* ... accident still can gain weight. *chuckle chuckle*

I am not drinking Milo again. Ever. To understand context see previous post.

Friday, October 30, 2009

Hidden dangers

Some secrets we discover hit us like a snooker ball in the chest. Others creep up on us, terrorizing our sleep patterns and haunting our daydreams. Yet others unveil at a most opportune time how close we could have been to teetering over the horizon and into the unknown.

I thought that by giving up my succulent portions of deliciously greasy and crispy Indian pancake for breakfast (roti canai), I would achieve the weight loss I had always been looking for, replacing my mornings with a hot drink and if absolutely necessary (which I must emphasise for those who know my addiction to chocolate, were few and far between), a chocolate chip muffin. Nearly half a year later, my no-breakfast policy shows little effect (actually it shows a lot of effect which I would rather it not!) and I am close to throwing myself into a liquid-only diet to try lose calories my body magnetically attracts.

Today suddenly in coversation I found that my nemesis for weight loss lay quietly hiding in my daily morning cup of chocolate malt (Milo). To make things worse, I was discreetly informed that my so-called weight-loss breakfast was more calorific than any ammunition the greasiest Indian pancake could attack me with.

Great.

Wonderful.

After some deliberation, I figured that my waistline was more important to me than the potential of hurting the coffee lady's feelings by telling her I wasn't going to have anymore morning chocolate malts.

Let's see how much I lose by Christmas. CW: 5x.xxkg; GW: 48kg.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

A girl can truly hope...



Botkier Sasha Duffel Large in Orange. Please.

Post script: Pa, this hint is not directed at you kay?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Ashley didn't tag me

Ashley said: "Rewrite the answers and repost. Tag me back, I wanna read yours too."

1. I've come to realize that my hair:
Can look good after a salon wash and massage

2. I've come to realize that when I talk:
I mumble

3. I've come to realize that all I really need:
I already have

4. I've come to realize that I've lost:
My stapler at work :(

5. I've come to realize that I hate it when:
People breathe down my neck in the train or while waiting in queue

6. I've come to realize that if I'm drunk:
I act exactly the same as when I'm sober

7. I've come to realize that money:
Can get you a window seat with Air Asia

8. I've come to realize that when I get old:
I'll be older than I am now

9. I've come to realize that I'll always be:
Shorter than I think I am

10. I've come to realize that I have a crush on:
Superman, Indiana Jones and Batman

11. I've come to realize that the last time I cried was:
Sunday night.

12. I've come to realize that my cell phone:
Can be used for other things other than calling and texting

13. I've come to realize that when I wake up in the mornings:
My brain switches to autopilot until lunchtime

14. I've come to realize that before I go to sleep at night:
I sniff menthol variations like a druggie

15. I've come to realize that right now I am thinking about:
My work

16. I've come to realize that my life:
Can be beautiful

17. I've come to realize that my favourite drink is:
Chilled Yeo's Green Tea (in the can)

18. I've come to realize that today I will:
Have to finish processing 37 files before I can go home

19. I've come to realize that tonight I will:
Be processing 37 files

20. I've come to realize that tomorrow I will:
Wonder why I didn't look through 37 files

21. I've come to realize that I really want to:
Learn how to make kuih lapis, sew a patchwork quilt and own a kimono dressing gown

22. I've come to realize that the person who is most likely to re-post this is:
Someone like me

23. I've come to realize relationships are:
Sacrificial

24. I've come to realize that love:
Is sacrificial

25. I've come to realize my best guy friend(s):
May not hang out with each other

26. I've come to realize my best girl friend(s):
Are people I share food with

27. I've come to realize food is:
Glorious

28: I've come to realize that this weekend:
I will be doing what I've wanted to do in a long time

29. I've come to realize heartbreak:
Lasts longer than one would like it to

30. I've come to realize that the last person I liked:
May not have been the best thing for me

31. I've come to realize that my brother(s):
Is very good looking and... (insert accolades) and I'm very proud of him and I will personally slam the girl who dares break his heart into a brick wall.

32. I've come to realize that crying:
Can be used to one's advantage

33. I've come to realize that death:
Has lost its sting if you put your faith in Jesus

34. I've come to realize that if I'm sick:
If?

35. I've come to realize when I'm bored:
I do quizzes, tags and memes like this one

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Sarah's Chat

As if talking to Sarah online isn't enough, I've made her stay up til past 1am the last 2 nights when I was back in my hometown doing little else but talking. Note: Whilst 1am is not generally late for young working adults, in Kuching it is :) So after chats over chocolate mints and playing 3 rounds of UNO Stacko (which I won consecutively - nyek nyek) about my mood swings and dot dot dot and dot dot dot (and the other) what did we decide on?

1) I'm going to try to not live in the past
2) I'm going to be optimistic about the future
3) I need to set realistic standards for myself and for others
4) I should give myself a break
5) I'm going to give other people a chance and take chances myself

Easy to say. I can sense my breath getting shorter just thinking about trying to let go.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Repetitive

I have nothing...

...to wear

to work...

...tomorrow

AGAIN!!!

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Fasting

I can't fast... for the right reasons.

The days I 'try' to fast are spent less thinking about God and more thinking about how much weight I'll lose.

Obssession.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Branding

Puppies can make anything romantic.


For the full range of cuteness go here.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Three little letters...

Can turn gorge into gorgeous :)


By golly, the Promise Land was more or less a candlelit bathtub of milk and honey overlooking the sea and the Israelites were still not satisfied. What were they waiting for? A jacuzzi?

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Quiet time

I have a hoard of problems you don't know about.

Many I will never tell.

Often I try to find it in me to solve the mess. To resolve the issue. To set the standard.

I need to surrender myself and find it in Him.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Girly Day

Step 1: Wake Up (good morning beautiful)


Step 2: Face mask


Step 3: Buff nails






Step 6: Shower


Step 7: Set hair




Step 9: Perfumery


Step 10: Night out on the tiles with Tyng Yng and Wai Nyan on a cupcake tasting spree


P/s Tyng wasn't well and Wai Nyan and I had no ride so the day ended with eating chicken kurma and magazine reading in the canteen across the street. But the day hasn't quite ended yet - we'll see.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Changing courses

An excerpt from the twelfth day after the day that was.

Several people I know didn’t think my decision to leave work was the wisest one to make. I think I’ve had money bet on enough long shots in the past for them not to be all that surprised by my announcement. My yardstick of long shots is still sulking before a public exam in grade 6 until dad allowed me the small pleasure of watching the last 30 minutes of The New Adventures of Superman or to be more precise, my then mega crush, Dean Cain. The sulking wasn’t fun and I don’t even remember what I watched but for a 12-year old, I felt that the small victory made a huge impact on my staying power as a person albeit one infatuated with a made-believe man from Krypton who didn’t know I existed.

I was still hearing the incessant thud of heavy-hearted words echoing through my not-so-hollow head as I boarded the train. Running simultaneously as I gazed out of the window were the lyrics to “On Top of the World” by the Carpenters and the ironic ending to Karen Carpenter. The train stopped at a station. Our dependence on routine is most acute when it is disrupted. We waited for the train to resound its familiar warning of closing doors but none came. So we waited and waited and waited yet further. The world became dark as night glowed with the setting of the sun and yet we waited. I could see the moist, pink-tinged membrane of my eye through the reflection in the window but I couldn’t see the opaque orb itself. It made for a gruesome moment; watching what I could look like if I had no eyes. The question going through my mind during that morbid period was less “What would I see?” and more “How would I see things differently?”

As people became visibly agitated, I started thinking about what people had said about staying the course instead of leaving nearly a decade of Law. I imagined that the train was the journey and that stops were where people made their choices whether to stay or to go.

As people left, I contemplated where they might head to or if they would reach the destination they had set out to in the beginning or if their desired aim changed with the evolving circumstances they found themselves in.

Some stood with one foot on the train and one on the platform as if waiting for a better offer to come along but not really prepared to leave their current situation in the hope that things might pan out.

The girl sitting directly in front of me seemed to be staring at me without looking at me. Her face wore a blank expression of sallowed canvass, her steadfast eyes seemed to glaze-over, silently screaming at something the others around her couldn’t see. She made me think of a large fish, a trout perhaps, or a guppy, trapped beneath a surface of ice, pressing its eyeball to the glass ceiling as if trying to breathe by seeing. For the briefest of moments, I wanted to shake her to make sure she hadn’t actually just died there on the train. That would certainly have made for headlines.

It would however, have provided an ironic perspective to ‘Leisure’ by WH Davies:-

What is this life if full of care,
We have no time to stand and stare?

I stayed on the train. I guess it was a premonition of where I find myself now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

The poise of a fire hydrant

#morning shuffling#

Person X: Morning Debbie!

#Debbie gives small wave. Walks over to stand next to person X.#

Person X: You're looking nice today!

Debbie: #gives look of disbelief# What do you mean? I'm all in black. There's no colour.

Person X: Yes, it's nice! You're wearing all black and then you have these *touches* earrings and your gold shoes match the black. And you've tied your hair up. Very nice.

Debbie: I just pulled it out of my cupboard cause I couldn't fit into anything else. This is comfortable. #tugs to show ample room - emphasising that I wear clothes that are tent-shaped#

Person X: No, you haven't put on weight! You used to be chubby when you first started but now you've kurus badan (lost weight).

Debbie: No-lah, no-lah. I weighed myself. I'm heavier now than I was before the accident.

Person X: So how heavy are you?

Debbie: XX.XXkg

Person X: Nooooo!! Can't be. I'm XX.XXkg and you don't look like that! Your weighing scale must be salah (wrong). I use the digital one.

Debbie: Is it? (knowing I also used a digital weighing scale)

Later that day..... in Chief's office.

Chief: Nice earrings!

Debbie: #holding files and wondering if it's a decoy comment for somethng else# Oh... ok.

~ I think I want to slap myself. I have completely forgotten how to say thank you. ~

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Twisted aid

Paranoia helps when you think everyone is so free to sue you over every little thing. Even grammatical mistakes.

I had to make a decision call for someone else today. Still shaking. I wonder if mum thought that when she signed me up to school.

Monday, October 12, 2009

All I need...

It takes very little to tip the scale.

Finding only 6 dollars in your wallet.
Not having feet that smell like roses.
Feeling like a rolly-polly.
Answering one more thoughtless query.
Stepping in another dirty puddle.
Realizing that realism is overtaking fantasy.
Standing up for someone who you knew betrayed you.
Sleeping in fresh sheets.
Knowing that friends really do care.
Even though they get annoyed when you turn up an hour late at the station.
And reduce you to the Hufflepuff clan of Harry Potter.
Friends who organize dim sum brunch.
Or remember to keep that magazine with pretty pictures in it just for you to see.
Or call when they see you on MSN.
Or look after your other friends.
Watching long-lost cartoons you thought you'll never see again.
Because someone created YouTube.
Looking at old photographs.
Hearing someone's voice on the phone.
And wondering if your own has changed as much.
Wondering where joy started.
Realising it was probably always there.
Remembering that I am about you.
Because "U" is ace even when I am feeling like "U" is an "S."
Saying sorry.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

Elena's Legacy


What?? No gum-drop buttons?? Shocking. I'm sure Simon could take him down easily :p

Friday, October 09, 2009

Having Fun Sleeping In

Yay. Work was not completely awful today even though I had a splitting migraine and was trying to draft an advisory with my hand cupped over my left eye trying to suction my eyeball out.Will have to go in tomorrow which is a Saturday (dang!) and have put on 5kg as of today since the the beginning of June this year (boo!!) but will smell like aloe and kenzo tonight as I snuggle into bed. Yay.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Unwell

Migraine. Joints cramped. Fingers cramp. Ankles hurt. Shoulder blades ache. Area between shoulder blades aches. Pelvic aches. Neck strained. Eye balls popping. Jaw stiff. Hard to breathe. It hurts when I stand. It hurts when I sit.

Trying to diagnose myself online. It could be :-

Dehydration
Diabetes
Tiredness in the muscles
Pregnancy
Lead poisoning
Excess intake of alcohol
Medications
Decrease in the potassium levels
Neuromuscular disorders

There's a reason I'm in the most comfortable baby purple (instead of baby blue) fleece and look like I belong in a psyche ward instead of an office.

Saturday, October 03, 2009

Rebuilding

Sometimes it's tiring to try look for silver linings. Just ride out the storm and stop being so bloody cheerful all the time.

Picture courtesy of Imageshack.

Friday, October 02, 2009

No Eat Crow

"When all the cows were sleeping
And the sun had gone to bed
Up jumped the scarecrow
And this is what he said!

I'm a dingle, dangle scarecrow
With a flippy floppy hat
I can shake my hands like this
And shake my feet like that

When all the hens were roosting
And the moon behind the cloud
Up jumped the scarecrow
And shouted very loud

I'm a dingle, dangle scarecrow
With a flippy floppy hat
I can shake my hands like this
And shake my feet like that

When the dogs were in the kennels
And the doves were in the loft
Up jumped the scarecrow
And whispered very soft

I'm a dingle, dangle scarecrow
With a flippy floppy hat
I can shake my hands like this
And shake my feet like that

I'm a dingle, dangle scarecrow
With a flippy floppy hat
I can shake my hands like this
And shake my feet like that!!!"

I had to sing this song in kindergarten (pre-elementary). I remembered wearing this pink frilly thing. I remembered that my competitor jumped all over the place. I remembered my competition was a boy. More importantly, I remembered not winning.

Thursday, October 01, 2009

Time to deliver

A lot can happen in 9 months...

The end of my tri-semester hits tomorrow.

And then comes the long process of s*** in your face, negotiation tactics and realizing you're even less than less prepared for what you signed up for, with the occasional proud moment when your little monster receives an award of some sort to help the Principal promote himself to the Education board.

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Saturated with myself

Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.

Don't you ever get tired when it's all about you?

You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You. You......

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Monday, September 28, 2009

Temptations?

So I tell God (ya, tell God, how theologically unsound is that, right????) that I'll fast til Friday and read chunks of the Epistles and maybe an epiphany will strike or land or descend in a storm cloud (Tyng keeps saying I shouldn't wait for an epiphany - cows would come home sooner). The next thing I know, I walk into an office filled with murukku (Indian snacks), pineapple tarts and Hershey's chocolate. My team has been busy and are happy to share, show, smell and taste the produce of their fun-filled weekend and here I am trying not to think about the Snickers bar in my drawer.

Waiting for an answer

Yes. No. Yes. No. Conditional Yes. No. Outright No. Maybe Yes. Yes. No. Yes. No. Maybe No. Yes. Yes! No. Yes. Noooooo..... Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.

I'm torn between what my head says is the logical answer to give and what my heart wants. Unfortunately neither has much experience in deciding what's best for me.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Sucker punch

So I say, "I need Words of Affirmation and that's why I don't want to stay at my job."

"DO YOU REALLY NOW?" booms God.

The next thing I know, I get heaped with Words of Affirmation by the Chief. The tricky part is, the Chief previously gave me a lashing and serving too many of anti-Affirmation medication.

NOW what do I do?

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Love Bank

Jenny and I talked about the love bank today. It has 5 currencies:-

1) Acts of Service
2) Affirmation by Touch
3) Affirmation by Word
4) Gifts
5) Quality Time

Instinctively I know that Acts of Service go right over my head but thank you everyone who has ever given me a lift. If you do my dishes, please forgive me if I don't gaze adoringly at your 'Act of Service' but if you BUY me wellington boots *hint* I might name my first child after you (it's a joke, Pa!). Lack of Affirmation of Word is also one of the reasons why I have decided not to stay at my current job and I really, really, REALLY don't like it when anyone tells me "no" especially since I'm such a pessimist anyway and deciding anything is such a big step and I am in need of AFFIRMATION *hint!!*

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Grapevine

Things seem to be swinging. We'll see if the vine holds as I try to Tarzan across the ravine. I must have resolve, be resolute, have steely determination and... oh look at that puppy! It's soooo cute!!!!! *Whack*

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Home frontiers

I think I miss home. *wrinkles nose*

The simplicity of it all. *wake up, eat duck rice*

But I'm not ready to go back. *home is where I'll go to when I think my eggs need a nest to hatch in hahahahahaha!*

God please send me a sign! *please send me Balaam's talking donkey to tell me what you want me to do*

I really want wellington boots to continue running in the rain. *but no one gets the hint that I actually want them! size 4 preferably with rainbow-coloured polka dots please*

Friday, September 18, 2009

Horse spirit

"We have almost forgotten how strange a thing it is that so huge and powerful and intelligent an animal as a horse should allow another, and far more feeble animal, to ride upon its back." Peter Gray (Calvary from Hoof to Track)

I know I'm nuts about horses but really, how can you NOT go nuts with up to a ton of sheer power beneath you? A ton! A force not merely passive and only grunts into action when you turn the key in the igntion but is headstrong, willful, defensive and has a heart for literally unbridled freedom. Never mind that the gorgeous bulk of muscle comes with a furry coat, wet lips and a deep chest I could cling to all day. I am mad about horses and for good reason; they represent a life and a lifetime I dream of, that I want, that I long for, that for the best in me I cannot explain except that when I look upon the horse, I know whatever it is I'm searching for is embodied in that creature.

There is a sign on my bedroom wall that simply reads "HUMILITY." I scribbled it on a piece of paper and stuck it up to remind myself to appreciate each day and no matter how awful things got, to always remember my place and that I have much in Jesus Christ that even if everything were taken from me, I would still have all I needed and all that really counted. Friends are fickle and families don't always know best but there are few secrets between a horse and its rider. What others miss in hyped-up talk, horses catch on in conflicting body language. When I used to have a bad day at college (or with another horse for that matter) Starshine would instantly pick up on it, becoming agitated and tetchy and our sync would be thrown off balance because I couldn't concentrate and she could tell something was wrong.

Humility has taken a different meaning in life lately. As I dream as much as I could ever dream, adapt more and resist less, I find myself looking back at the horses that I love. We take for granted that the horse should listen when we pull unkindly on their bit, that the bus should come on time, that the people standing in the train should give us breathing room. We complain when bad timing makes us late for events due to unforseen circumstances or when the rain suddenly pours, catching us unprepared without an umbrella. I've had many a day walking around like a deranged psychopath muttering to myself like some grumpy old woman. As politics in life and self-interest took its toll, I saw no reason being nice to people I don't like, no reason in making the effort to make new people feel welcomed and no reason to invest in anyone other than myself. I saw myself as a restless colt (or filly), angry at the world and at the people trying to saddle me at their own whims and fancies without asking me if it was what I wanted and I felt proud when I bit the hand that in my mind tried to herd me into the same category as other stereotypical farm animals.

And then for some reason unknown to me, I saw humans from my mount's point of view. We truly are feeble in the animal kingdom with no biological superiority over those on four legs or those with wings, with the possible exception of owning a cynical brain and a tendency to bear lifelong grudges. I look at myself through the eyes of Black Magic, the first Welsh Cob I managed to get on (although not stay on). There I was, an 18-year old ball of excitable (ignitable) energy; the over-concentrated perfectionist with the dreamy oxymoronic mind to boot, waiting to get on my horse. If I had been Black Magic, I would have rolled my eyes, stepped sideways and not let 'humpty dumpty' get on my back.

I wonder if animals know God's mandate that humans are to rule over the beasts of the air and the field better than humans know it themselves. How else will a ton of self-preservation, with great humility, allow a chortling child to rub peanut butter fingers over its muzzle or change footing at the slightest shift of command from a dressage rider? I wonder what my horse sees when she looks at me. I hope she likes what she sees but my heart is broken because I know that even if my flaws break out like mould on a piece of cheese that's been left out too long, I have her unconditional devotion as she plucks the mould out from my character and then gently bows her head and allows me the pleasure of scatching her behind the ears.

How much I have been given. How much I should give. How little it is that is asked from me to give up.

"A horse is the projection of peoples' dreams about themselves — strong, powerful, beautiful — and it has the capability of giving us escape from our mundane existence." Pam Brown (Australian poet)

Friday, September 11, 2009

Co-ordination

Green is the new Orange.

The weight of it all

Dream a little dream
Let it float awhile
But from deep within
The tides turn and beguile

Dream a little dream
Send it down the way
Unexpectedly
Dreams begin to sway

Dream a little dream
The possibilities
A change of heart in time
Dreams to drudgeries

Dream a little dream
It sometimes seem so real
But often times the obstacle
My own reflection still

Dream a little dream
Plant it in a pot
And should it grow, I know it will
Be my dream that I dreamt not

Monday, September 07, 2009

Stepping Out of the Boat

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

I did it.

It's worth it.

More than worth it.

Made for it.

Friday, September 04, 2009

The proof is in the pudding

I did a food experiment once and a very nice experiment it was. One Christmas in London, although I vaguely remember which, I went out with my knapsack and purchased every variety of hypermarket chocolate pudding. I limited my experiment to hypermarkets because not doing so would have opened the floodgates to chocolatitis. Included in my list of hypermarkets included Marks & Spencers and Harrods although Big H was really in to add some distinct 'old man with a pipe' class to an otherwise semi-chave gathering.

I don't even remember who won which probably means I have to rewrite a hypothesis and redo the experiment.

Actually what I really want to talk about is not about food. There was some Chinese festival 2 days ago which got me thinking. I don't know whether it was "Hungry Ghost Festival" or "Feed Your Ancestors Day (and while you're at it can you burn some paper money to send to us?)" and it really doesn't matter. I think I've established enough throughout this blog why I think feeding your ancestors really isn't worth tuppence but what I want to express here is what you feed your ancestors.

I saw plates of pitiful Jacob's Crackers, fruit and local rice muffins rolled on the floor next to the requisite bunch of bananas and joss sticks. Some more 'thoughtful' descendants put their tiny offerings on paper plates. Symbols are tangible signs, usually full of contextual meaning. I saw a little old lady walk out of a house so small it could be mistaken for a shed, dragging a huge bag of paper money to burn so that the malevolent deceased would be kept suitably appeased, occupied and distracted. A glimpse into her shed-home revealed the biggest shrine I've seen in relation to the house the shrine was kept in. It was red, glowing and testament to the utter and awful chainless bondage she was in. I felt quite helpless. I wonder if I could have the courage to go back to that little home and visit its inhabitant with a key to her shackles.

Because I am not considered culturally very Chinese, my lack of reverance of what I consider ungodly can just seen as a triumph of Western Intellect over Eastern Spirituality. I beg to differ. I don't believe that the essence of being Greek is worshipping Zeus. I don't think the essence of being American is having a super-sized meal everyday or even once a week for that matter. I don't think the essence of being Indian is being Hindu. I don't think the essence of being Chinese is lost in the rejection of ancestral veneration. The essence of humanity stems from Adam who in turn is made in the image of our Creator. To deny our Creator is to deny our essence, whatever race we may be born into or culture we may be bred with.

Do we have a plumb line by which we discern and say, "I know the standard by which you live"? For the dude Wai Peng, it's in the Caesar Salad by that well-known (used to be better) local franchise known as Delicious.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Zonked

I'm changing gears.
I'm not staying.
I'm breaking away.
Watch.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Our future is in our hands...

...but what are we going to do about it?

For me it starts with translating this into English so that more people can be better informed about the situation. Thank goodness there are people who take integrity seriously in this country. Some people still vehemently deny that they've done nothing wrong even though they blatantly have.

Reminds me of people I know. If you think I'm talking about you, then you're probably bearing a guilty conscience whereby you know you've offended me but at best refuse to do anything about it and at worst, justify it with whims and fancies which mean toss to me. I don't need people like you. Go away.

Friday, August 14, 2009

Liberating Liberia

I don't even know what to make out of this.

Liberian rape victim ostracized by her family

When God 'plays' God, we get Mount Everest, the Aurora, the Great Barrier Reef, the Grand Canyon and all that fill it.

When man presumes to play god, the difference is stark. The results, grotesque. Ugly. Evil.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Star wishes

I want

to spend

my lifetime

reading

fairytales

for a living


Fairytales like this one:

"These small and perishable bodies we now have were given to us as ponies are given to schoolboys. We must learn to manage: not that we may some day be free of horses altogether but that some day we may ride bare-back, confident and rejoicing, those greater mounts, those winged, shining and world-shaking horses which perhaps even now expect us with impatience, pawing and snorting in the King's stables. Not that gallop would be of any value unless it were a gallop with the King; but how else - since He has retained His own charger - should we accompany Him?" ~ an excerpt from Miracles by CS Lewis ~

(indirectly introduced by Shibboleth; years of anti-plagiarism grounded into my head at College has caused me to feel easily guilty about making use of passages others have used before as if repeating it would take away the beauty of the words that struck so true a chord in the first place. Either that, or Sam will come after me with a large trout.)

Sunday, August 09, 2009

Holding my breath... again

The weekend has been action packed which started with losing my phone, dove into having to perform with the rest of the chambering students in front of the entire Firm, climaxed with horse riding on a beach in Feringhi and ended with waiting for the next working day.

Losing my phone made me damn pissed to use speech of such eloquence but resulted in one main thing; because I couldn't call my usual circle of friends when my mood swirled into familiar dark waters, I could only seclude myself from the crowds and depend on God. I spent many moments looking into the sea and talking to God this weekend. It wasn't exactly rest, but it was a start. Talking to God hasn't instantly solved my problems and in the work environment where problem solving is the ultimate achievement, speaking to God may seem at best a coffee break and at worst, a waste of time which breeds inefficiency. There is a want I cannot identify and cannot name and yet it's there and it frustrates not to be able to articulate what it is that I really want.

As I struggle to forgive, rebellion kicks out angrily damning everything and everyone around me I find myself getting angry at the tiniest, most insignificant thing, despising people who care for me and scorning people who don't. I have gotten to a stage in work where people no longer matter; results do; winning does; and I loathe it. I hate that people see time spent helping others as time which could have been used to help themselves and use that as an excuse not to help flailing comrades. I hate that lunch break appears as a bestowed benefit instead of a right to drop everything and pursue what I want for that brief hour. I hate that people push the blame round and round but scoop praise all for themselves. I hate that being part of a professional body seemingly means sacrificing your personal obligations in the name of being a professional. I'm waiting to be proved wrong because I feel that I might crack again very soon. The overwhelming tides of pent-up uncertainty is burdensome and is bearing heavy on the dam of my sanity. It numbs the mind and weighs the heart down. What I really need most and often is a good hug but damn it, apparently it is not 'Malaysian' to hug. I'm in the freakin wrong country!

I told a friend the other day that my working experience in the last 2 months has flushed out the worst in me to full view. He said that perhaps it was God's way of dealing with the crap inside (Okay he didn't say 'crap') and that perhaps my rough edges could only be dealt with when it was out in the open and not suppressed.

This weekend, I saw members of my Firm party the night away and the ones who seemed to enjoy themselves the most were the ones who to me, slogged the hardest at work, the ones who seem unappreciated, sidelined and overlooked; they were the real party people that night. For a brief moment, I saw their struggles and mine seemed pathetically petty next to theirs and yet, whilst I always feel the need to lick my wounds whilst trying to establish who I am, these veterans give a glimmer of light and a flicker of hope that there is still a soft glow of humanity embracing the grey carpets at work.

Wednesday, August 05, 2009

Trivia about Me

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Debibo!

  1. White chocolate isn't technically chocolate, because it doesn't contain debibo!
  2. Forty percent of the world's almonds and twenty percent of the world's peanuts are used in the manufacture of debibo!
  3. Apples are covered with a thin layer of debibo.
  4. The debibo-fighting market in the Philippines is huge - several thousand debibo-fights take place there every day.
  5. Debibo was the first Tsar of Russia.
  6. Early thermometers were filled with debibo instead of mercury!
  7. According to the story, Pinocchio was made of debibo!
  8. The International Space Station weighs about 500 tons and is the same size as debibo.
  9. The first debibo was made in 1853, and had no pedals!
  10. The international dialling code for debibo is 672.
I am interested in - do tell me about

#2 is the reason why I'm nuts.

#4 is because debibos have got bad tempers.

#7 is the reason why Wooden-boy there got punished for lying

#1 is sheer genius

Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Clocking out

After 375 hours of work today, my nerves felt like they had been hit by a tank of caffeine on an empty stomach. I couldn't even stand still while waiting for the train. Thoughts of crashing into bed were eluded by the lure of Thai curry sneaking through the air on the walk home so I popped into the local 7-Eleven and grabbed some decent reading material featuring posh food and 18th century English barn convertions before digging into some kong nam fried rice at Piccadilly (the restaurant and nowhere near Bridget Jones or Colin Firth unfortunately).

Now, I'm ready for bed, smelling of my favourite perfume. How long will this last? According to my watch, another 22 minutes.

Bring on Wednesday.

Saturday, July 18, 2009

Anger management

Sometimes I wonder how long I can keep the furnace of anger fuelled. I often dream of setting people who hurt me on fire, obliterating them into indeterminate, distorted, chargrilled smudges on concrete walls, their contorted, disbelieving faces staring back as they meet their nemesis. In my dreams, distinctions between right and wrong are blurred as I psychotically burn enemies alive with torched palms ala Dragonball, intensifying the heat with each shriek the writhing corpses emit, infused with the adrenaline of provoking God to strike me dead before I finish my murderous plan. Sometimes I wish I didn't know such anger.

Anger knows no friendship and recognises no relationship with the object at which it is directed. Anger remembers no good deed and finds no solace in forgiveness. Anger remembers and is reminded of its own existence by its open wounds still seeping with the effect of broken promises, broken trust and mistreatment. Anger hurts because it is hurting. Anger is hurting because anger has been wronged.

Humankind has broken trust with God and in His righteous anger, he no longer recognises us as His. We have no relationship with Him and have no way of returning for He has turned His back on us. We are the ones to blame in a broken relationship that cannot be appeased because we cannot even seek the person we have wronged to appease Him. We do not know where He is and as bitterness eats into our souls, we start pointing fingers and blaming Him for not returning our false remorse and white-washed regret. We blame Him for His anger when we are the ones who have angered Him. There is judgment hanging over our heads but the ominous threat of final separation does not come from the day-to-day wrongdoings we commit in public and in secret; it goes much deeper than that. Lovers are torn apart not by one forgetting to take the garbage out, but by worthless trysts of a filthy heart that marrs the sanctity of a faithful commitment of love.

No olive branch can settle the hurt. The Lover's demands require not just a change of heart expressed in speech and thought and deed, but the price of blood and flesh to eradicate all trace of anger (we call it propitiation and expiation). After having lived a life perfectly pleasing to God, who, even after living in such utter faithfulness can willingly submit to the full force of the anger of a betrayed Deity, burrowed into flesh and spirit and rise to a restored relationship? Only God Himself can. Only Jesus did.

Ironically, after I awake from slumber, I find my energy spent and my anger, a hollow shell.

Even as I remember my own anger and imagine God's holy wrath, I struggle with forgiveness. I have been wronged. Where's my recompense? I can choose to put my interest first and cut off ties with the people who have hurt me, being indifferent to their well-being, feelings or lives or I can choose to be like my Father, who, after looking at Jesus, remembers that He doesn't remember any longer.

Monday, July 13, 2009

Squeak

The Firm's having its Annual Dinner and Dance (ADD), also known as a time to let your hair down if you happen to be a closet ADD of another sort (Attention Deficit Disorder - do I really have to spell it out for you?). This year they've come up with some theme thingy based on 'singers.' If I go dressed as Madonna or Britney (Lord help me) or J-Lo (slightly more respectable), the most I'd don would be some see-through lace thingy with thigh high boots paired with a Louis Vuitton bag and Aviator glasses.

That's boring to the max. Given that MJ just moonwalked off this planet, I'm sure someone would turn up as him and someone's friend would turn up as Elvis so either option is out. I'm not blonde enough to be Marilyn or dark enough to be Marilyn Manson. I'm certainly not buff enough to pass for Jay-Z and my booty would do Tina Turner no good turns.

Just as I thought I had no choice but to go as pie-making Snow White (someone should send the Health and Safety Officers after her judging by the way she enlists the help of icky jungle fowl to bake her pies), a grin and smirk caught my eye and in an instant I knew that my high-pitched voice was given for such a moment as this.

Friday, July 10, 2009

What work is to me

Some see doubt as a bad thing; something to keep one from succeeding. I see my many moments of doubt as a counterbalance; something to keep me from rushing headfirst into sinking sand for the fun of it. I find that as my quiet times decrease, my doubts increase but it only takes a few moments of quiet until the tension between paranoid doubt and wreckless abandon finds an equilibrium.

For as long as I have remembered, Law has never been something I have pursued. I can't for the life of me relate to people who say that they've wanted to do Law since they were in Secondary school, or weirder still, since they were 6 or 7. How can a 6 or 7-year old know that they want to do Law??? I didn't know that I wanted to do Law even when I took it up at College. I don't know that I want to do Law even as I rise at 6 and pack the same breakfasts, get on the train and go to the same office everyday and make decisions on behalf of my Clients. I don't know if Law is something I want to do but I know that the line I'm in has offered me the opportunity (not to be a lawyer mind you, that's a side perk for society to enjoy whilst I struggle to live up to the title) to enhance and sharpen skills I already possess and to take them to a level I wouldn't otherwise have been able to embrace and call my own.

I like writing. If left to my own devices, I would start writing a thesis on how my Clients should better treat their employees instead of drafting an air-tight contract to protect them from unscrupulous subsidiaries. Being in the position I am forces me to leave imagination of Oz and Wonderland in a large closet and decisively apply myself sharply, critically and pre-emptively.

To say I like management is an understatement. There was a time in life when I colour-coded my sponges and got annoyed when a file was literally, less then an inch away from the edge of the shelf. Managing itemized things that don't talk back to you is easier than managing people. I now have 4 people working with me and I have to learn to draw the line between 'friend' and 'boss,' a line which before I would "tsk" and "pooh" at, considering people who drew the line to be lazy or pitifully unversatile. Now circumstances call for me to reevaluate my once-assumed pristine management skills.

Work has driven me to the ground not simply because of the load but because my stake in the challenges it has thrown at me is innate. It's not simple a vested interest in work or wages, it strikes at the core of my personal make-up, my ingrained sense of confidence in my own ability to be good at what I know I am good at.

If it were just about the wages or saying "I'm a lawyer," I would have quit long ago. Then again, God hasn't let me. Work isn't merely a means to an end to me. It isn't about climbing the ladder. The ladder exists as a by-product of the creation of work yet it seems that everyone has given the ladder more priority than the work which was created, and even less time to the Creator who made work and saw that it was good.

There's probably something round the bend which will push me to the point of matrixness ( I point and the folder magically opens haha) and I hope to be there when it happens.

Friday, July 03, 2009

Daniel started this...

1. How old are you?
Quarter of a century - facing midlife crisis based on Michael Jackson's lifespan

2. Are you single?
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes....

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
Life begins at 40.

4. Do you think you'll be marrying the person you are with now?
I'm not with anyone... although my dad thinks I am (Pa, I don't have any "special" friend kay???).

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
Superman

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
He can choose his bestmen; I have chosen 6 on my side.

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
Doesn't matter as long as it's rockin'.

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Horse riding across Peru? Watching polar bears in Alaska? Camping on a Naravo reserve?

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
It'll probably be a 3-parter across the world so maybe over 1,000 in all.

10. Will that include your exes?
Yeah, why not?

11. how many layers of cake do you want?
I want a hazelnut chocolate cake shaped like a giant treasure chest with gold dusted chocolate coins and leaves around the bottom and 2 gold-coloured elephants sitting on it.

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Depends on Q7.

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding.
Only one song?

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon & fork? knife?
NOW, you're talking!

Malaysia - full on 10-course Chinese/ Fusion(?) meal with the usual but be prepared for Peking duck pancake and soft shall crab crepe thrown in as starter, cold lemon and sea coconut dessert and stuffed vinegar pig's trotter somewhere in between - don't expect shark's fin soup or alcohol.

UK - 5 course ala carte; choice of (because whilst in Malaysia we eat everything, it seems the rest of the world is allergic):-

Non - vegetarian
Starter - cheese platter and water crackers
Soup - cream of asparagus and parsley with saffron biscotti
Fish - Scallops, crab and king prawn in puff pastry
Main - Beef Wellington or Lemon Chicken Kiev, both served with Thai mango salad
Dessert - choice of Chestnut cream meringue or fruit in custard with shortcrust pastry

Vegetarian
Starter - cheese platter and water crackers
Soup - cream of asparagus and parsley with saffron biscotti
"Fish" - Japanese miso salad with avocado
Main - Vegetarian paella
Dessert - choice of Chestnut cream meringue or fruit in custard with shortcrust pastry

There'll also be a nut-free and/or gluten free alternative.

Finger food: pigeon and salmon with philadelphia and chives on water crackers, an assortment of cuban tapas, passionfruit juice
Remember: there's chocolate wedding cake as well!!!

15. Champagne or red wine?
Neither. You'll drink tea/ juice/ sparkling and be happy about it.

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Doesn't matter.

17. Money or household items?
Depends if I have a place of my own yet. If items, I'll have an online wishlist.

18. How many kids would you like to have?
Children are a heritage from the LORD; Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them. A custom-made, 14-seater, carved Nyato table with matching upholstered chairs from Abitex will cost about RM20,000.

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
Wah, so free ah?

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
Doesn't matter. Surprise me.

Thursday, July 02, 2009

Deuce

So, like I mentioned before, my last week was not s-w-e-e-t but this week has taken a turn for the better; I've actually managed to have dinner every night since Saturday and it's great! Waiting for next week to come by; it'll be a toss up between rock or roll.

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

Breaking point

Last Thursday was not a good day.
Last Friday was not a good day.
Last Saturday and Sunday were not good days either.

I felt crap because I felt responsible. My definition of responsible is having to know where every file is, what every status of every file is and comprehend every correspondence that has gone on with any file.

To begin with, I barely knew where any file was. I was struggling to reach a standard I had preset for myself and ended up bursting into tears at work after a co-worker asked me a question because I felt like a complete loser. I ended up going home at 4am because I wanted to clear all my guilt (literally) away.

On Friday I had to do pro bono work and ended up going home at 2am. I was now emotionally and physically tired.

On Saturday and Sunday I turned on the tap far too easily for my liking despite my every intention not to do so. I believe the last time I cried so shamelessly in public I was standing in the rain in the dark. I was feeling thoroughly miserable and yet refused to admit that I had been defeated.

Somewhere between Sunday evening and Monday morning, a veil lifted and the mist faded away. Failure is the beginning of growth, not the beginning of the end.

I believe God is keeping me here for reasons I cannot and will not try to fathom.

Friday, June 26, 2009

So not ready

Better is one day in your courts than a thousand elsewhere ~ Psalm 84:10

I used to think I could take anything thrown at me; now I'm not so sure if I'm ready for anything. Yesterday definitely set my personal precedent for being an emotional wreck, startling people who knew me as a stoic (and I'm not talking about Michael Jackson's demise). Even now the remnant of emotional resurgence threatens and listening to Jacko on the airwaves reminds me that even genius is temporary and what counts is deeper than what can be tangibly calculated and measured.

Imagining what could be is never the same as having to go through what is and yet what is now is more that even what I imagined now would be. I had always thought that cracking was a sign of weakness but since this pot finally cracked, I realise that strength lies not in the absence of imperfection but in the face of it. If anything, I wear my battle scars with pride; I have endured and I have resolved to continue persevering.

Maybe in living through all the doubt, I might be more ready than I give myself credit for. Now, if only I could make sense of what I just wrote...

Monday, June 22, 2009

You never know

There are days when I love my work; there are days when one more incoming email could drive me to tears.

There are moments when I think I hate the smell of curry in my hair; there are hours where the Mamak stall is the best place to be.

There are days when friends annoy the heck out of you; there are lifetimes that get affected by friendships.

There are nights when being alone feels lonely; there are times when I need to get away from it all.

There are instances of both Pinky and the Brain.

There are constant fluctuations between 'endearing' and 'enduring.'

There are people of whom I've thought, "Not in a million years"... ... ... then someone says, "You should marry the most imperfect person you can live with" and all of a sudden things start making sense.

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Swingers

2000 - i can feel a headache coming... really want a massage.
2200 - headache. turn over. maybe it'll go away. hong iu and tiger balm.
0000 - still there. tiger balm addict.
0300 - can't take it anymore. 450mg naproxen goes in. luckily none comes back up although mental plan was made to rush to bathroom.
0500 - should i take leave off work tomorrow? can feel joint cramps kicking in.
0630 - shower. maybe a head massage with hair conditioner would work. sticks 'salonplas' heat plasters all over body. i smell like 2 grandmothers rolled into one.
0730 - at work. not hungry. hungry. not hungry. hungry. milo.
0930 - have 2 hours gone by already???
1100 - is it just me or is it really warm?
1300 - i really need to sleep. anything to eat? 5 peanuts.
1400 - someone suggests i take the day off. i shrug; it's only 3 more hours to the bell.
1500 - i am feeling unnaturally cold. wearing 3 layers and a pashmina. i start hearing voices which are calling me and when i go to the room with pen in hand, she looks at me puzzled because she hadn't called. thoughts off quitting and returning to 'normal' chambering runs through my head.
1600 - next lot of medication; 1g panadol. there's email after email after email after email....
1630 - everyone seems to think their work is more important for me to complete. i have over 25 things staring back at me. i like to do lists but this seems out of hand.
1700 - hand work in. wait....
1730 - time to go home! but medicine has kicked in and now i feel it a waste to leave when i can work. still waiting for work to be commented on.
1830 - waiting... wondering if i'll make it home in time to collect laundry
1930 - liklihood of collecting laundry drifting further and further away. work day ends well. you can only see the silver lining really clearly when the sun [SON of GOD]'s in the right place.
2000 - roti telur bawang and macdonald's chocolate coated cone.
2200 - no headache. going to bed. looking forward to tomorrow.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

It's Official

I am pleased to announce that what was once only a vague notion is now reality:

http://www.facebook.com/debibo

I am no longer just a number; I am a name.

Friday, June 12, 2009

Finding Bob

Bobby has branched into seafood. Perhaps in an attempt to promote 'healthy' living and a 'greener' environment. Perhaps. It's hard to see how frying ringed squid over an open fryer makes a cleaner environment, or an ecologically friendly gut. Maybe it's just because he saves time as seafood cooks faster and one can always persuade hungry people to buy both chicken and seafood instead of just chicken. Some people have no self control.

Having said that, Bob tastes (dare I say this?), even better once you let him chill overnight and have him for breakfast on a lazy morning. If only the Earl of Grey were here. And if he brought a chocolate companion, for 15 minutes, life could make sense.

Tuesday, June 09, 2009

Can you identify?

On a day like this I want to crawl beneath a rock
A million miles from the world, the noise, the commotion
That never seems to stop

And on a day like this I want to run away from the routine
Run away from the daily grind that can suck the life
Right out of me
I only know of one place I can run to
Chorus:
I want to hide in You
The Way, the Life, the Truth
So I can disappear
And love is all there is to see
Coming out of me
And You become clear
As I disappear

I don't want to care about earthly things
Be caught up in all the lies that trick my eyes
They say it's all about me
I'm so tired of it being about me

I would rather be cast away
Separated from the human race
If I don't bring You glory

"Disappear" by Bebo Norman. To hear the song on You Tube, click here.

Saturday, June 06, 2009

Diary-ing it in

I never understood the concept of 'me time.' I always thought my time was mine to use anyway I wanted to. That has since changed as circumstances do. My creative mind has been somewhat dulled into a juggling act of to do things that need to be completed. Lessons learnt in the past about word definitions namely "urgent" and "important" are proving very useful; what is important is not necessarily urgent and what is urgent is not necessarily important and I have to prioritise accordingly. As a self-confessed workaholic, the only thing keeping me from doing all nighters at the office is the even stronger desire to smell good in the morning. And for that I need a shower which means I need to go home.

I shall endeavour to allocate 'me' time. More importantly, I need God time.

Esther's Drain Brain

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Beer this morning
2. Last phone call: To Hui Ling; looking for direction to a GREAT place to eat in Rawang (Xiao Fei Xiang ie "Small Flying Elephant")
3. Last text message: Sam saying he's got a dragonboat race today

4. Last song you listened to: Joy to the World (for me, it's Christmas everyday)
5. Last time you cried: Does a spontaneous whimper count? Last week I think.

HAVE YOU EVER:
6. Dated someone twice: No, but I've dated "No one" twice. Hehe
7. Been cheated on: Refer to 6.
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: I think the last person I kissed was my friend Grace Muna in Primary 5...
9. Lost someone special: They're all 'somewhere out there'
10. Been depressed: Several times a day
11. Been drunk and threw up: Vodka Orange in the Slug and Lettuce, Bayswater

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:
12.Red
13.Orange
14.Black

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)
15. Made a new friend: Friends, plural.
16. Fallen out of love: With pirated CDs, yes.
17. Laughed until you cried: Yes, at the Wong & Partners Company trip when the guys had to go drag to win points.
18. Met someone who changed you: Am always incorrigibly changing
19. Found out who your true friends were: It's all relative isn't it?
20. Found out someone was talking about you: You mean people AREN'T talking about me?
21. Kissed anyone on your Facebook friend's list: Not that I remember
22. How many people on your FB friends list do you know in real life: 95%
23. How many kids do you want to have: 12
24. Do you have any pets: Yes
25. Do you want to change your name? : If I hitched myself to a Kee, Kee, Key, Kii or Quay, I'll have a double barrel surname which sounds like "Wonky." Awesome.
26. What did you do for your last birthday: Ate my way through it
27. What time did you wake up today: 9ish
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Eating Assam noodles
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: The end
30. Last time you saw your Mother: Friday, 22 May 2009
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: Drink milk when I had the chance to be less vertically challenged
32. What are you listening to right now: Some computer system whirring in the office
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Many times
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: No ice cream within reach
35. Most visited webpage: If it's not on Wiki, it doesn't exist
36. Whats your real name: Bob
37. Nicknames: Dish Washer
38. Relationship Status: In a relationship and it's complicated, ok??!!??
39. Zodiac sign: Baa
40. Male or female?: You think?!
41. Elementary?: Lodge Preparatory
42. Middle School?: Convent wannabe
43. High school/college?: Convent wannabe 2.0
44. Hair colour: As is
45. Long or short: Cropped
46. Height: Don't bother
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: Why can't I multitask and have several crushes on several people at the same time?
48: What do you like about yourself?: Everything
49. Piercings: Used to be 8, after accident downgraded to 3 :(
50. Tattoos: 2?
51. Righty or lefty: Ambi

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: 25th April 2009
53. First piercing: Year 2000
54. First best friend: Mabel? Linda? Phelia?
55. First sport you joined: Horse riding
56. First vacation: Hong Kong 1986
58. First pair of trainers: When I stopped succeeding in getting people to carry me

RIGHT NOW
59. Eating: Zilch
60. Drinking: Zilch
61. I'm about to: Finish 3 files and go look for Baskin Robbins
62. Listening to: Car racing by outside window
63. Waiting on: God's timing

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids?: Refer to Point 23 above
65. Get Married?: Not my call
66. Career?: Stable hand

WHICH IS BETTER : [disclaimer I find this section restrictive]
67. Lips or eyes: Both
68. Hugs or kisses: Both
69. Shorter or taller: Either
70. Older or Younger: Either
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Both
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Nice?????
73. Sensitive or loud: When the occasion calls for it; either
74. Hook-up or relationship: Isn't a hook-up an instant relationship?
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: Over the edge nuts

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: Not that I recall
77. Drank hard liquor: Liquid's not hard...
78. Lost glasses/contacts: No but dropped them on purpose, yes
79. Sex on first date: Refer to point 6
80. Broken someone's heart: Won't know
82. Been arrested: No, but have sat in a police car
83. Turned someone down: Not directly
84. Cried when someone died: Who died?
85. Fallen for a friend?: Yes, then I realized that all I got was bruised knees

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: Ya-ah
87. Miracles: So does Whitney and Mariah
88. Love at first sight: No
89. Heaven: Yes
90. Santa Claus: He's my Pa
91. Kiss on the first date: Bring mistletoe and chocolate.
92. Angels: Yes

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY: [as if I haven't been answering truthfully before!]
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Refer to point 6 AGAIN.
95. Did you sing today?: No, it isn't raining.
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: Bring on the dinos
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? The only day I want to relive was the day I went horse riding in Mongolia (2007).
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: No, after a while you get used to it
100. Posting this as 100 truths?: Slightly annoying. Questions had a tendency of repeating themselves.