Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fear leads to Death

I was a very temperamental child. One day I would be teacher's pet and the next I would be in a stand-off involving a butcher's chopper and a wooden chair, with my sister; One day I would be defying my parents, rescuing rabid stray cats and the next day I would be poking cruelly at my blue and green birds through the birdcage with chopsticks.

My teenage years weren't that much better. They were mostly spent locked in my bedroom or talking to my dog, when I was home. I stopped dealing with issues in outbursts of rage and bottled everything up inside instead. You could say that I went from exploding to imploding; the magnitude was probably the same just that nit was well hidden.

College years were a test of my patience. Thankfully I had never been taught how to wield a sword or karate chop. I had to purchase bigger and more durable emotional bottles to store all my baggage and even that was filled to its cork.

There were moments when, forgetting to buy my bottles in time, I would explode; I can still see the wake of those explosions. There have been some, who like balm to a sting, have forgiven me my unholy anger. There have been others who continue to poke at the embers after the fire has died, inciting yet another volley of hate.

I don't think I ever learnt how to deal constructively with anger.

I can't imagine how God deals with it.

Actually, I know how He deals with it but it doesn't make sense.

How does Jesus dying on the cross take away His anger?

Shouldn't He be more angry that Jesus had to nail His glory for despicable, loathsome creatures who deserve to have limbs torn apart and brains splattered to a pulp?

Why didn't He just destroy us all?

In today's world, grace is pathetic, mercy is weak and love has been largely twisted into an ugly selfish form.

Can we truly comprehend God's grace? Can we really say we understand it?

If I did, my anger wouldn't be a problem in the light of the Cross and what Jesus has done for me. I would be able to forgive and forget transgressions as far as the east is from the west.

But I don't understand and I cannot comprehend. I can only trust that it is and will be my sanctification, as unintelligible and absurd and 'wicked' as it sounds for God to give Himself up for me, because grace is the only thing that can save me.

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