Friday, October 31, 2008

Ice Cream

Thank to Tyng Yng's reminder, I'm off to get myself a 31% discount off a tub of Baskin Robbins. Woo hoo!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Taxing

Picked up 2 books on Tax Law today. Hopefully it'll help me score should any Tax trivia come my way. Oh, and it'll be useful for work too and to evade avoid mitigate my tax payments.

Watched Bangkok Dangerous with John T, John C and KJ. It was labelled 18PL but for a 'PL' it was disappointing. I wonder what that says about the kind of violence I am used to expecting or worse, expect.

Don't eat from the Claypot stall on the 3rd floor of Midvalley. All I got for my claypot noodle dish today was a lump of dark conflour syrup. Put it in the sun a while longer and you'll probably get industrial strength adhesive. Yuck. KJ reintroduced me to D'lish. Go try their caramel slice; Highly, HIGHLY recommended.

Feeling moody. Maybe it's because am waiting for extra large pizza and Vanessa is beep-bopping gothic Christmas songs in the background...

Friday, October 24, 2008

Wishes

Happy Birthday Pa.
I'm ok.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Testing


Is the deer running?

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Fear leads to Death

I was a very temperamental child. One day I would be teacher's pet and the next I would be in a stand-off involving a butcher's chopper and a wooden chair, with my sister; One day I would be defying my parents, rescuing rabid stray cats and the next day I would be poking cruelly at my blue and green birds through the birdcage with chopsticks.

My teenage years weren't that much better. They were mostly spent locked in my bedroom or talking to my dog, when I was home. I stopped dealing with issues in outbursts of rage and bottled everything up inside instead. You could say that I went from exploding to imploding; the magnitude was probably the same just that nit was well hidden.

College years were a test of my patience. Thankfully I had never been taught how to wield a sword or karate chop. I had to purchase bigger and more durable emotional bottles to store all my baggage and even that was filled to its cork.

There were moments when, forgetting to buy my bottles in time, I would explode; I can still see the wake of those explosions. There have been some, who like balm to a sting, have forgiven me my unholy anger. There have been others who continue to poke at the embers after the fire has died, inciting yet another volley of hate.

I don't think I ever learnt how to deal constructively with anger.

I can't imagine how God deals with it.

Actually, I know how He deals with it but it doesn't make sense.

How does Jesus dying on the cross take away His anger?

Shouldn't He be more angry that Jesus had to nail His glory for despicable, loathsome creatures who deserve to have limbs torn apart and brains splattered to a pulp?

Why didn't He just destroy us all?

In today's world, grace is pathetic, mercy is weak and love has been largely twisted into an ugly selfish form.

Can we truly comprehend God's grace? Can we really say we understand it?

If I did, my anger wouldn't be a problem in the light of the Cross and what Jesus has done for me. I would be able to forgive and forget transgressions as far as the east is from the west.

But I don't understand and I cannot comprehend. I can only trust that it is and will be my sanctification, as unintelligible and absurd and 'wicked' as it sounds for God to give Himself up for me, because grace is the only thing that can save me.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Fruitcake



For no raisin...


Just because you're Grape!

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Slurpy Flurry

I had another dream last night. Fresh from a dark-chocolate-with-real-orange-pieces crazed party at Becky's, I dreamt that McDonald's had a new ice-cream out called the Slurpy Sundae; rich vanilla ice-cream circled with thick and sweet tangerine sauce. I was dying to have one.

Three franchises later, my Slurpy Sundae was nowhere to be seen except on the illuminating boards behind some happy chappy's head as he hollers his welcome to McDonald's and I was very annoyed.

In my last attempt to get a Slurpy Sundae, the ice-cream machine of the said franchise broke down and I was on the verge of a nervous break down until one of the yellow shirted minions of McD offered me a free ice lemon tea as compensation.

Friday, October 17, 2008

T-Rex

I got chased by the T-Rex last night.

It was a beautiful day. People were lounging in the park. All of a sudden the sky turns grey, army tanks drive up and soldiers with awesomest bazookas come running up, strategically hiding in drains. We hear shouts of, "Everyone don't move! Stay still!"

I was wandering around with a long plastic bag filled with mentos and popcorn. All of a sudden I see this gynormous T-Rex running towards the little group of us in the park with his jaws flexed wide. For some reason he's running towards me!!!!! I fall flat on my back and he stops over me and all those Jurassic movies where the T-Rex nips off someone's head or leg keep running through my head and I'm lying there wondering if it'll hurt to die. He bends in close and I can see his grimy teeth smell his fish breath...

T-Rexes eat fish?

Then... he nozzles my popcorn bag and tosses it with his teeth.

That could have been my head...

And he wanders away playing with the flapping plastic bag in his snout and I lie there relieved, thinking I have escaped the dinosaur. I get up. He turns around. He realises that what he has in his snout is my popcorn bag and not my broken body.

He roars.

I scream.

He charges.

I run.

I run as fast as my tiny legs can take me and end up in some building where I'm running from room to room thinking that the doors will block the giant T-Rex's path. Miraculously the T-Rex shrinks as he charges after me until he is no more than 7 feet tall and I'm stuck in a chamber with lots of cooking gas tanks all around with nowhere to run. He closes in. I shut my eyes. In my heart I have already surrendered like some prey resigned to its fate that it almost reverently acknowledges the predator about to eat it.

I wake up.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Arthur Hailey

I first came across Hailey when I was about 13 or 14 in my high school library. It was a very ordinary morning in a very ordinary day and he was standing around in the second row on the right, far back. Although mine was an all-girls school I wasn't surprised to see him there and he didn't appear too out of place either, leaning against his pal, King. Although we initially didn't seem the most compatible mix, we found that we had more in common than I thought and so begun a friendship... of sorts.

Hailey introduced me to evening news, forged passports, terrorism and even some pretty strong medicine. He also taught me what the word 'incoherent' meant, which I used with much finesse in my next examination. Instead of studying (or sleeping), we would be up til the wee hours of morning as he fed me 'ghost' stories and I would then be unable to fall asleep. So it was throughout high school until I left home and no longer saw him around.

Yesterday, 10 years after we first met, I met him again. He was older, crinklier and held a musty smell but his wit was still as sharp as we started down a mental journey to Peru.

As Arthur Hailey now sits in my bookshelf, I recollect all those moments when I readily missed first class to hide with him behind the shelves of books in the old library in my high school.

Friday, October 10, 2008

My God Is So Big

There's a song we used to sing in Sunday School:

My God is so big,
So strong and so mighty,
There's nothing my God cannot do... for you!

Have you ever wondered... what's in it for me?

I tell God I want to be broken but as I'm being broken, I find myself fighting Him all the way.

I tell God I want to forgive but I find more glee in satisfying Disdain and Contempt than in pleasing my Lord.

I tell God I want to stop being angry over whatever it is I'm angry about and I can feel myself getting angry just talking about being angry.

I tell God life is not going the way it should and then I twist life so that it goes even further from the direction it was meant to take, just because I think the paths I choose will get me to where I want to be.

Somewhere along the timeline of my life, 'my God' has been replaced with... me.

Mutiny.

The Bible speaks of many a time when Israel decides to live for herself and overthrows the kingship of God and ignores the warnings of His prophets. You don't have to read the Bible from start to finish to discover the result of mutiny. Death.

Am I in such eager anticipation to die that I can feel no fear of God in my heart? Can someone tell me what it is to fear God?

Am I still prescribing stubbornly to the 'me' sitting on the throne of my life?

My God is so big, so strong and so mighty.

My God.

The outcome doesn't matter. The punishment will fit the crime. Moments of doubt will appear to be either foolishness or times when the Evil One was making footholds. Even as flames may lick my fleshless feet and my clothes are singed with smoke, I will cling to my God with a truer cry than I can ever give in this life, in purer conviction than I can now comprehend; I'm Yours, save me.

Thursday, October 09, 2008

Donkey See, Donkey Do

Yesterday was meant to be the start of a glorious self-proclaimed, much needed holiday and what do I do on my self-proclaimed holiday?

I work.

I work until I am immersed it in. A bomb could go off nearby and my sole concern would be to click the 'save as' button or to power up my lappy. I nearly missed my flight.

I sauntered into the departure lounge wondering where everybody was. Doh, they're already in the plane.

Once I touch down into Kuching, things seemed better. Less frazzled. It is good to be home. My brother, he's very cest la vie and that's good... for me. My mum is less worried about deadlines and more worried about the orange smear of pigeon poop that found its mark on the windscreen just as we shut the doors. My brother thinks the pigeon had pepperoni for dinner.

My dad tells me I need to eat more fibre. He says that everytime we sit at the table after dinner as he takes out a large orange and I shake my head. Everytime. He tells me that the white stuff on the orange segments is what I need. Why get in from the pharmacy at RM2 a tab when you can eat the whole orange for 50 cents? He doesn't believe in my mathematical ability. That's fine. I don't think I have much to believe in. I can score the lowest in class in maths tonight and I won't care; I'm home.

I do nothing... except send a few emails. A few work-related emails. It's a habit. I'm a workaholic. I'll work til I croak which I would have done had I not taken this break.

I am enjoying things that people do on holidays; 'do nothing' things. Like flipping through old photographs and eating Maggie Mee after midnight. My mum, she's very organised. Arranges the veggies according to colour variation and has them washed and cut up nicely. There was a time when she wasn't so organised and she could hide her After Eight mints in the bush of veg. But we always found them; my sister and I. The secret chocs were always in one of 2 places; the vegetable drawer or the Tupperware cupboard. Mums need to be more creative. I hid my diary, wrapped in plastic, behind the doghouse, in the soil. It got tedious after a while.

I am vain :)

I used to be such a charmer... SO pretty in my smocking and frills and socks pulled up to my knee... up til the age of 10. I even looked pretty in neon pink aerobics tights which I matched with a green T-shirt. Then it kind of went downhill from there.

Between the three siblings, we have about 2 good photos between us on full-view display. The rest, we hide behind other nick-knacks Grandma stuffed into the cabinet.

Even now as I go up to my bed - no bed before or after it has come close to holding the title my bed - I know it is time to pass it on. When I'm not home, it's my brother's bed so everytime I come home, he gets kicked out of his bed. The irony. It might mean that if I choose to work here, I may still not be home in the end. I cannot take away my brother's bed perpetually just because I don't have the means to identify a new one.

It's almost one. Dad went to bed at 10. If I don't go up soon, he'll come down and say, "Hey, remember to go to bed ya?" He always does that. We're habitual people, albeit our habits differ from person to person.

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Foul Fowl

My mood is truly terrible today. Debzilla is about to break out of the mould and start throwing things and screaming expletives that will silence Gordon Ramsey.

I have wanted a holiday since last week.

I think maybe even God was shaking His mighty head at the rate my stubborn heart was hardening so He threw His mighty calender into operation and scheduled a 5-day holiday for me starting TODAY.

I fly home this afternoon and I will be back on Sunday night. I might be in a better mood then. But don't hold your breath.

Monday, October 06, 2008

Bad

I've been in a bad mood today for various reasons. To top it off, I'm hungry.

Now I'm in a very bad mood.

Saturday, October 04, 2008

This song was banned from M'sia's YouTube.

Aqua - Cartoon Heroes lyrics

We are what we're supposed to be
Illusions of your fantasy
All dots and lines that speak and say
What we do is what you wish to do

We are the color symphony
We do the things you wanna see
Frame by frame, to the extreme

Our friends are so unreasonable
They do the unpredictable
All dots lines that speak and say
What we do is what you wish to do

It's all an orchestra of strings
Doin' unbelievable things
Frame by frame, to the extreme
One by one, we're makin' it fun

We are the Cartoon Heroes - oh-oh-oh
We are the ones who're gonna last forever
We came out of a crazy mind - oh-oh-oh
And walked out on a piece of paper

Here comes Spiderman, arachnophobian
Welcome to the toon town party
Here comes Superman, from never-neverland
Welcome to the toon town party

We learned to run at speed of light
And to fall down from any height
It's true, but just remember that
What we do is what you just can't do

And all the worlds of craziness
A bunch of stars that's chasing us
Frame by frame, to the extreme
One by one, we're makin' it fun

We are the Cartoon Heroes - oh-oh-oh
We are the ones who're gonna last forever
We came out of a crazy mind - oh-oh-oh
And walked out on a piece of paper

Here comes Spiderman, arachnophobian
Welcome to the toon town party
Here comes Superman, from never-neverland
Welcome to the toon town party

You think we're so mysterious
Don't take us all too serious
Be original, and remember that
What we do is what you just can't do


What we do is what you just can't do
What we do is what you just can't do
What we do is what you just can't do
What we do is what you just can't do

We are the Cartoon Heroes - oh-oh-oh
We are the ones who're gonna last forever
We came out of a crazy mind - oh-oh-oh
And walked out on a piece of paper

There's still more to come
And everyone will be
Welcomed at the
Toon - Toon
Town - Town
Party

Friday, October 03, 2008

Red Tape

I wanted to go to Myanmar when I was 14 to do mission work... but my dad said no.

I wanted to go to Russia when I was 18 to do mission work... but my dad said no.

I wanted to go to Serbia, again to do mission work, when I was 20... but immigration said no.

Sensing a theme here?

I wanted to join a Bible Training College in London after finished my law degree... but regulations said no. Then I got sent home to Malaysia.

I want to be a United Nations International Volunteer... but my age says I can't. Not for another year at least and I can always volunteer locally after all, volunteering is not about how 'glamourous' the job is but who you are serving.

All these things I want, I have not received.

Many things I never thought I would receive, I have been given in abundance.

God can use Red Tape to His glory as well.

Amazing grace.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Pondering

It is possible for a to-do list to be too long.

It is possible for 24 hours to prove insufficient.

It is possible to have too much dim sum than one can handle.

It is possible to think of too much of any good thing.

It is possible to end up with the choice you had proclaimed, "Definitely not!" to.

It is possible for love to turn to hate.