Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Blogging blob

Random fact I picked up: When trying to conceive, frequency affects quality. Apparently the more often a couple 'tries,' the lower the quality of sperm. Hence the '3 times a week' suggestion is not merely an equation to accomodate the busy people of today, it actually has a biological and scientific dimension to it.

Using that theory as a starting point, does it follow that too much blogging reduces the quality of the entry? Does it jeopordise intellectual content? Does it continue to engage the mind, 'advance every argument and ask every question'? Or, does it become an indeterminate blob of words and letters, only different in the slightest from entries past and future in the sequence of letters, length of sequence and frequency of length?

Monday, July 30, 2007

ENTJ really?

I've taken the test several times in the last few days, without really taking into account my answers and so far I am an...

ENTJ (general result)
ENTP (when my brain is 'relaxed')
ENFP (for no apparent reason)
ESTJ (when I'm tired)

Does that challenge the notion that I am a true ENTJ?

FGLD

Food
I went to the Kuching fest today and had LOADS of food!!!!!! Pigeon, sushi, otak-otak, an ostrich burger, a camel burger, cotton candy, Hainan "8-treasure spice" gulutinous rice, Cantonese vinegar pork, chee cheong fun, satay, dim sum and guava slices. Also bought my brother a helium-filled, bubblegum-coloured, 3-dollar balloon :)

Grandma
Will be seeing Grandma this Wednesday and eating more great local food. I wonder if she still drives the van... My 13-year old cousin is very, very tall.

Legal jargon
Have been looking through a case which is slightly personal and it is a relief that I understand the judge's judgments. It makes the last 6 years worthwhile. Maybe if I go into Law, I'll take on contracts. Hopefully I'll never be a lawyer who chooses to ignore my client's needs namely, being put to expense, costs and "further and other relief that this Honourable Court deems fit and proper to grant."

Dentist
Went to check out a recommended dentist today because I want to extract a second wisdom tooth. I found it impossible not to compare the dentist who extracted my tooth in KL (genius) with the one in Kuching. Without naming names lest I get done for defamation (but then can one defame something which is true?), the dentist in Kuching seemed only interested in my money than my teeth. His offered fee was RM550 - RM100 MORE than the dentist in KL (and KL dentists are pricey enough), he chose to be really vague with the procedure and had this despicable air of contempt about him. On top of that, he was really rough with my mouth when doing the x-ray. There was NO WAY I was going to put my mouth in the hands of that man, even less so when he has a drill in them, so I paid for my x-ray and hurried away. I will definitely NOT recommend him to anyone if you are ever curious and ask me. Instead, I will return gratefully to my KL dentist and offer him my lifetime loyalty for as long as we are both in KL.

Sunday, July 29, 2007

I am an ENTJ but sometimes...

What is an ENTJ? Profile

Depending on how deep one gets into these tests, they could almost run your life; telling you which job you should go for, which person you should marry and what type of parent you will become. Coincidentally, I was on the law path way before I took the test. I do not take these tests seriously although I have to admit, they are fairly accurate generally and very accurate in certain areas. Just for fun, I'll list out some of the characteristics an ENTJ has that sound the most like me :)

Genuinely interested in people's ideas and thoughts

Extremely high standards and expectations (both a strength and a weakness)

Tend to get involved in "win-lose" conversations

May explode with terrible tempers when under extreme stress

The ENTJ wants to learn what you know, and understand as many of the nuances of your knowledge as the context of the conversation will allow. They go after this knowledge in a very direct, confrontational manner. With this approach, they will learn not only the facts of the knowledge, but also the background of the individual's stance on that piece of knowledge. How well does the individual understand the topic? How invested is the individual in their stance?

Because the world of feelings and values is not where the ENTJ naturally functions, they may sometimes make value judgments and hold onto submerged emotions which are ill-founded and inappropriate, and will cause them problems - sometimes rather serious problems.

There's nothing more enjoyable and satisfying to the ENTJ than having a lively, challenging conversation. They especially respect people who are able to stand up to the ENTJ, and argue persuasively for their point of view.

ENTJs want their home to be beautiful, well-furnished, and efficiently run.

May become obsessed with small obstructions and difficulties to the point where the overall plan is forgotten

May believe natural limitations are actually ailments which ought to be eradicated


Generally, I am an ENTJ but sometimes I 'turn' into an ENTP... strangely enough there are characteristics of an ENTP that really define me well and more often than not, better than the ENTJ profile. They are:

They are constantly absorbing ideas and images about the situations they are presented in their lives.

...enjoy verbal sparring with others

If the ENTP was defending someone who had actually committed a crime, they are likely to take advantage of quirks in the law that will get their client off the hook.

They live in the world of possibilities, and become excited about concepts, challenges and difficulties.

They get a lot of enjoyment and satisfaction from interacting with others, and especially enjoy discussing and debating theories and concepts which interest them.

ENTP people measure their success by their “aha” moments, by the sense of satisfaction which comes as they spread their newly written maps before them and contemplate the new adventure, design, investigation or conquest which has now become their road ahead.

I thought this was funny too: The ENTP personality type is sometimes referred to the "Lawyer" type.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

12 easy ways to burn calories

1. Beating around the bush............ 75
2. Jumping to conclusions............. 100
3. Swallowing your pride.............. 300
4. Dragging your heels................ 100
5. Pushing your luck.................. 250
6. Running round in circles........... 350
7. Tooting your own horn.............. 55
8. Open mouth, insert foot............ 300
9. Getting the ball rolling............... 95
10. Digging yourself into a hole...... 250
11. Picking up the pieces............. 150
12. Throwing your weight around..... 50-350
(depending on weight)

Easily bored

History always repeats itself. Everytime I come home, the initial excitement is replaced with general boredom, 'whateverness' and agitation. The itch to run, to roam, to be 'free' is most strong whenever I feel I am being controlled. Not that my parents were control freaks but I suppose I relate being home to being under curfews, having to ask permission and violently suppresed teenage angst hence the sub-conscious, by nature, wants to rebel whenever I'm home. I doubt I'll ever live here permanently (you know that once you say that, God twiddles His giant fingers and goes, "Oh really?"). I guess it's because I'm never satisfied. Never content. Seldom at peace. Always restless. I sometimes think I want to be restrained from myself but I know that I would blindly kick out if I were, half in panic, half in rage. Sometimes I just want to hurt people. Treat them with disdain. Scorn. See them squirm. See them cry. Maybe my 'compassion' button got bugged. i should debug it before theory becomes reality. Help me God. Am not feeling very 'Christian' at the moment. But thank goodness my faith is not based on feelings or emotional highs or experience alone. It would be incredibly shaky and unconvincing if it were. Don't really know where these thoughts are coming from. Just a general disposition is my presumption.

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Comforts of home

My Barrat and Robinson waits to be played, the dogs need a bath, my bedroom still has familiar paint-peel markings from having too many posters up 10 years ago, the bedspread is familiar, the practical yet hardly aesthetical bathroom is a necessity rather than a luxury, if I thought Streamyx was bad in KL, dial-up is waaay slower, the tv still needs to be turned on at risk of being electrocuted, my Chewbacca sits in the same position he sat in when I left, the same loose tiles on the floor stub my toe, I am at a loss as to where I should leave my toothbrush, familiar sights, smells and sounds arouse the senses.

I am in a place in time where I consider 3 places 'home' and they are home in different ways. London is where, for the moment, my 'core' is. My heart, my brain, my gut all oozes of the cobbled streets of Southbank, the voice of Nigel over Heart 106.2 and stoic, ex council residences that line the streets as I walk into the city.

KL is where my 'future' could be, even though for the moment, that in itself is vague. A bittersweet relationship I have with KL, with its mamak stalls, its resignedly, almost non-existent, customer care, horses in Ampang and Serdang and global links which remind me of London.

Kuching is where I can be myself... or at least, the 'self' I was, up til the age of 16. It has become a place I would take kids 'to see grandma/grandpa,' where food eutopia seems a possibility, where one doesn't wake up wondering what colour eye shadow would match the outfit for the day (who cares, right?), where holes in walls and imperfections are reassuring, as much as they are trying and where I remember my roots and how they relate to who I am today.

If you were to make an analogy of marriage out of the three places I call home, London would be the honeymoon years of ambition and drive, passion and initiative, robust and uncontainable. KL might start where reality sets in under not so favourable circumstances. Where partners start to wonder whether they made the right choices, whether things would work out, whether it needs to be worked on, whether they have enough for themselves and another.

Kuching, would be the twilight years of unspoken routine upon mutual appropriation of duties and character. The drive has mellowed, the distrust has waned, the embarrassing is forgiven, the unsightly given grace, the imperfections endeared, the bitterness sallowed, the past released, the present cherished.

Over and past

After a 'touch and go' 10 days of exams, it finally ended at 12.15 today. From this point on, anything Law related is out of my hands, from exam results to work attachments and not that I am ungrateful, but at this point in time, I really do not care. In fact, going with the feelings I have now, I can live the rest of my life tree sitting (or hugging) and life would be grand. My brain can go 'back' to being creative, not that it ever really stopped, just stalled slightly, and I can indulge in more activities (like zorbing, ice skating, designing and producing T-shirts and more (more, more, more) horse riding) without worrying that a potential lost finger (or time) might affect my exams.

Immediately set about to fill my social calender after exams, which started with a shopping aperitif, lunch with some (ex)CLP students, ice cream and lots of catching up talk with Marcus and dinner and movie (Transformers; the cartoons were better) with Chris and Gordon. Briefly talked about dating during the course of the day which has got me thinking about whether I'm too 'black and white' when it comes to emotions. I have lots of guy friends whom I go out with, either on a one-to-one basis or in groups but I have never considered that dating per se. These guys, most of whom I constantly 'care' for ie thinking about their well being and are concerned about are my friends and many have the 'potential,' based on talks we have had and my own personal opinion, to become really good boyfriends/ husbands/ providers/ protectors/ leaders/ etc to/ of the girl of their dreams. I say potential not in the sense that they are insufficient, although we all need improving, but because they are single.

When I commented that I see all guys as potential and that I would readily date anyone, someone suggested that it was not Godly. I certainly hope that me saying what I did does not shove a spanner in the works of decent friendships just because doubt arises as to my motives for hanging out. My brain-mouth connection was in need of a filter to separate the two statements; I meant that everyone has the potential to be the man he dreams of becoming and I will support that, as a friend or otherwise. It means that I think every guy, if he wants to be given the chance, is brave enough to ask for it and is not grossly unacceptable in one way or another, should be given the chance, if not to become a 'boyfriend' just yet, if one is unsure, at least to not be completely shut out on a possible relationship. Sarah thinks I'm too cerebral...

To a great extent, I honestly do not believe that I will get married, largely because of the type of work I want to do and because I do not trust/ depend on people easily; to trust a guy to make life decisions for the whole family is a huge responsibility, kudos to my dad for making them and to my mum for following. Maybe that influences my take on relationships. What I'm saying is that I am not looking to get married anytime soon, that regardless, I know what I want and that nothing and no one will stand between my God and I. As part of my (ex) 222 list, I used to think that for the guy to have knowledge of which wines go well with which meat dish was a good thing to have but nowadays my priorities have changed.

I watched 'Criminal Minds' a few nights ago. One of the victims was a family of four; husband, wife and two children. At the force of gun point, they were subjected to accounts which tore them apart as a family unit. I cannot say what I would do if I were in their shoes; doing anything under duress to save one's life seems like the most normal and logical path to choose but if it ever happens and my husband has to choose, as hard and harsh as it sounds, I hope he will stand firm and not relent, even under duress and I hope that in that way, our family may be destroyed but the unit will be intact.

I wonder when I will start feeling like a grown up instead of a (mature)12-year old stuck in a 16-year old's body. Does it matter? Should it matter?

Monday, July 23, 2007

More than I can say

God, I'm sorry.
I screwed up.

Sunday, July 22, 2007

Martin "House" Whiting


This is just too precious; I had to post it! Don't you just wish you were there? Introducing 'Vet Martin.' We went to All Souls and Kings College, he has/had a green MG, two cats, a dog, took me horse riding, takes black and white photographs, likes coffee, eats fish.
Martin, I never see you enough.

More than half

2 Law papers left! Am clinging on to grace because I really feel weary. Was reminded today that God was good and God is still good. Appetite has returned, I will be back home this Thursday eating kolo mee drenched in char siu oil with Kat, possibly doing lots of 'car-porch talks' with Sarah, pastry days with Eing, my new puppy awaits, as is my 'little' brother who is now taller than me(!!) as well as a possible trip to either Mulu (or definitely Miri, right Steph?) or Mount Kinabalu or both and I finally decided to look at my Theology exam results today. I passssssed! Yay! (Mark, you should be proud, Hehe...). Also found out that someone I've known for some time works for some major law firm which I initially thought I didn't want to work for as some of my peers seem to be heading towards that firm and I would quite like to take my first few steps as a 'lawyer' (if I pass) away from the general crowd, if that makes sense, but if she's there...

That's my update for now. Will very likely be seeing Marcus this Wednesday!!!!!!!!!!!!! Awesome. Can't wait. I hope he has chocolates for me. For him, I will be willing to postpone my horse riding for 2 weeks (cos there will not be any horse riding back home).

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

It continues...

Tort and Contract done. Finito. I've burried the notes in my 'tomb' together with Civil. Maybe it could be a time capsule. In 50 years time I could take it out and chide myself, "I got all worked up to read that??" Woke up at 3am to study only to realise at the exam that besides the chat I had with God about 5am today, the 3am awakening was pretty much in vain. Hopefully I did enough in my Tort section to cover the appalling badness and baldness(!) of Contract. I am still feeling 'pukey' and Daryl suggested that the stomach upsets are probably caused by accumulated gastric juices, seeing as I've been eating well below par for someone who enjoys food. Chris' Daim bars keep me going...

Malaysians are optimistically pessimistic. They say,

"Die arr!!!!"
"Sure die one/wan!"
"Die oledi.."
"Mati kokok" ('very dead' in Malay)
"Sei ah! Sei ah!" ('die' in Cantonese)
"Si liaw!!" ('die' in Hokkien)
"Ai si!" ('want to die' in Hokkien)


in the most cheerful manner...

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Jelly

Forget saturation. Forget even being a soggy sponge in the middle of an ocean ala Spongebob Squarepants. My brain feels like jelly. This is what I need...


hhhh



Emergency coming through!!!!! Requires Tort and Contract implant urgently!!!

N.B If you do not have Windows XP or equivalent, all you'll get above is 'hhhh.' What it should look like, if you update your software, is a row of ambulances.

Speaking of ambulances, Elena, am thinking of you. Always thinking of you. Praying for Julian. Hope this puts a smile on your face.

Monday, July 16, 2007

Start of something

So, CLP started today with a bang. Civil Law is now dead and gone. I hope never to see it again. Have dumped all my notes in a large, pretty box. Brings new meaning to 'white washed tombs.' Nothing much to report on the brain casualty front except to say that I felt like throwing up during the entire paper. Stomach's not feeling too good. I kept telling myself to hang in there and throw up after the exam but once the exam ended, whaddaya know, I suddenly felt light headed. Will leave puking for the next CLP exam day. Having said that, I now feel a little green again... For those who doubt my dedication to celibacy, I am NOT pregnant.

Saturday, July 14, 2007

Pirellio

Check out the 50 Reasons why Joel *hearts* Malaysia; it's hilarious!

I have a friend called Sarah Lasung. Everytime we talk on the phone or talk in person, I end up dreaming about people getting married. Slightly disorientating but I have come to see it as one of those unexplainable things that 'enriches,' if not puzzles me. Some things are best left to their own devices.

My BIG exam starts on Monday. Part of me feels like crying, part of me is not bothered. Part of me thinks I know nothing, the other part insists I cannot be that thick (unless the exam is really so hard or maybe there are mathematical brains at hand implementing quotas and such). Part of me tells me that I have been studying more than I have studied before. The other part reminds me that half the time I 'studied,' I was dreaming of horses and London. You know what? The exam will come and go, I just want to come out of it intact.

Anyway, below is a photo of Pirellio. If you are on Facebook, you would have seen him under my photos. I think he is distinctly handsome even if he did viciously bite my finger :D

Thursday, July 12, 2007

The art of quitting

I am one of those annoyingly pessimistic people. If you were an instructor in something new I was trying out, for example swimming, riding, playing the piano or tennis, you would know that my favourite phrase is actually, "I can't," (although I often tell my younger brother never to use that phrase) only, paraphrased in different ways.

I know I'll fall.
I think I'm going to fail.
What if I drown?
Why can't I do this right?
I don't understand.
I can't read music.
I don't get it.

It becomes frustrating for the teacher and the student. I like to analyse myself. Maybe it is narcissistic in part, but I like to know why I do things. I'll tell you something for nothing. When faced with a 'threat' ie a new skill I may not be able to pick up, my brain freezes in panic and I forget to think. Sometimes I ride (a horse) round the track (about 40 meters) holding my breath because I don't want to fall. Ironically, by holding my breath, my body tenses up, which could lead to falling. I have not fallen once during lessons (although in my life I have fallen twice) but everytime I go for lessons I expect to fall. It is not so much that I am scared of falling. I like being self-contained. I like being in my zone. I like my bubble world. Falling in itself does not shake that, but wounded pride can. Ah pride, one of the more forgotten vices in a world that aims for success.

I think pride comes from fear. If you're secretly afraid of something, you go about fearing it but not wanting to let on in case others see that fear as weakness. It's because in our sin, we think we are autonomous and self-sufficient.

I suppose my attitude to most things is, "If I can't, I'll quit rather than try and fail."

"It is often in failing time and time again that we find success," is what we hear most moguls say. I doubt that it was in failing that they found success, but in persevering in the face of defeat, that they honed their instincts and knowledge to become the shrewd business people they are now.

I don't know what it means for me to be thinking this way three days before an exam I have prepared two months for. To be honest, I don't like studying. I feel it is a waste of time that could be spent either in the saddle or drawing or thinking or meeting up with friends or 'enjoying' life. I consider studies and the career that follows it as a necessary 'evil' to fund what I want to do. I don't usually bother with things I don't like and I find that I quit very easily without much regret or consideration. Unfortunately when it is tied up with 'important' secondary issues such as pride, family or otherwise, it no longer remains a choice but becomes an obligation, a hurdle, I MUST complete reasonably well.

Maybe I will fail the CLP. I do not know. I may be shooting myself in the foot here but the irony behind my 'chosen' career is that if I do become a lawyer, it really will be a chosen career, but not by me by any measure. Perhaps God is frustrated at my lack of dedication to certain things. He probably gets angry as I pull out excuse after excuse to put off fulfilling my obligations. He might even one day send me a 'whale' like He did to Jonah and spit me back into Law. Although I have been studying Law for close to six years now, as strange as it sounds, it has only been in the last week or two when I have seriously considered that this really is where God wants me to be. Save from an outright turn-a-round, I have tried almost every approach to evade this path yet I am still here, kicking and screaming. Maybe the only reason I'm kicking and screaming is because I am worried that if I say "Yes, I want to do this," I might find that I don't have what it takes.

If I say, "I'll fall," if I fall, "Hey I told you so, didn't I?" but if I don't fall, "I didn't fall! I didn't fall!" We really are such finite creatures.

Today I cantered. A lot. Ali kept the instructions coming,

"Shoulders back!"
"Heels down!"
"Relax!"
"I said shoulders back!"
"Lean back!"

It may not sound like much if you don't know what a canter feels like but it is one terrifying yet exhilarating experience, even for a horse crazy person like me. Every instinct is telling you to lean over, to grab something, anything, to not let go, to not fall. Our first reaction to fear is to instinctively curl up to protect ourselves. Unfortunately, that puts you in the worst riding position ever. The horse is going fast, the wind feels like it could blow you off, your whole body feels like it's reaching for the sky everytime the horse moves. All your senses are telling you to tense up and to save yourself and the instructor's instructions of leaning back seems like the most suicidal thng to do but if you let your anxieties go and relax, if you hold your head when all others are losing theirs (Kipling), if you believe you can, if you stop thinking about falling and about other people watching and feel the rhythm of your horse instead, you really will fly. When that happens, quitting no longer becomes an option or a burden because whatever it was that you thought you wanted to quit becomes part of you and the you can't quit who you are.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Exam prep

Hired taxi to pick me up - check.
Found out where the exam hall is - check.
Decided on 'exam breakfast' - check.
Bought new earphones to blast music into my ears 10 minutes before exams - check.
Made lots of post its - check.
Bought my favourite grip 'exam' pens - check.
Made funny stories to remember serious stuff - check.
Had tetanous jab today so I will not suddenly go lock-jawed because of horse bite - check.
Have parents rooting for me - check.
Have friends praying for me - check.
Have new puppy to look forward to meeting after exams are done - check.
Have Jesus no matter what - check.
Have heaven in my heart - check.

Oh wait... where's my brain? What is this exam for again? Will there be animals in it? Is it about knitting? Oh dear.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Men and tact

Not all men have it,
not all men lack it.
Today, someone clearly demonstrated utter lack of it.

Ironically he worked where I thought I could be 'bad' and have a large serving of soft, whipped potato with lovely gravy; KFC. Am never going back to that particular KFC. Ever. Unless I forget or get really desperate for spicy chicken. It is bad enough that I want junk food, worse still when the people who work at the junk food outlet remind me why I should not be sitting there. I am a sucker for all things that promise weight loss although if I were 27 kilos and on an IV drip, I would probably still consider myself too heavy. Guys like the KFC man do not help. Please guys, have tact. It is not like you have to marry every girl you show tact to. It is an affordable nicety with positive results which benefit the whole community.

I read in the papers today that China has a girl shortage problem. Their males outnumber females drastically and the government (can a communist country have a government?) is worried that there will not be enough wives for men. Forget talk about men being picky and forgive the pun but the ball is in the ladies' court now. I cannot help but childishly pull a 'monkey' face at the people who came up with the rules that led to this potential crisis and taunt, "Your fault! Your fault!" We all know that the one-child, boys-are-better-than-girls rule was going to create a backwash of problems. The persecution that followed having more children than the party 'suggested' (Heaven forbid if it were a girl! Two girls would probably amount to national treason.) is a globally known fact. Ta da! I feel vindicated though I do not know why.

Saturday, July 07, 2007

Read this!



You are a Creator

Your imagination, confidence, willingness to explore, and appreciation of beauty make you a CREATOR.

You are independent, and you enjoy your self-sufficiency.

Defying convention, you are very innovative, and you have a vivid imagination.

The look of things is important to you, and you have a keen eye for aesthetic beauty in multiple arenas.

You have a strong interest in what is new and exciting—and that includes forging ahead with new ideas, not simply discovering what is already out there.

Your eagerness to seek new and varied experiences leads you into many different situations.

You're not set on one way of doing things, and you are creative when it comes to finding novel solutions to complex problems.

You trust yourself to be innovative and resourceful.

Your confidence allows you to take your general awareness and channel it into creativity.

Your independent streak allows you to make decisions efficiently and to trust your instincts

You are balanced in your approach to problem-solving, not letting your emotions hold you up.

You prefer to have time to plan for things, feeling better with a schedule than with keeping plans up in the air until the last minute.

You have a strong sense of style and value your personal presentation - friends may even seek your style advice from time to time.

You are Free-Wheeling

Your charismatic nature, liveliness, and independence make you FREE-WHEELING.

You don't mind being in the spotlight, preferring social gatherings to quiet nights at home.

You take a practical approach to people, not getting too involved in their feelings—or their business.

At the same time, your acceptance of others leads you to be understanding of their life circumstances, even if you don't quite understand their emotional reactions to some things.

Although you have a wide circle of friends, you're very discerning as to whom you can trust.

You're not rigid in your beliefs about the world, and you don't want to impose your perspective on others, but at the same time, you know that plenty of people don't always act responsibly.

Engaging with others is a large part of how you live in the world, and most importantly, it plays a role in how you see yourself—you tend to learn a lot about yourself in situations where you are with other people.

You have an understanding of the complexities of situations, and you don't judge others too hastily.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Potential; lots of it

Today was both the best day I've had in ages yet had the potential to be the worst.

I went for a CANTER for the first time in my life and didn't fall off Starshine; we connected today. Having never cantered before, it exceeded expectations of whatever my imagination could come up with. To be honest, I turned pale when Starshine first cantered. As a larger coin turns slower on its axis, so polo ponies have a canter that comes in slow and steady strides. Starshine is not a polo pony. Being smaller, she is both faster paced and needs more strides to cover the ground; not the most confidence-building canter for a beginner. Even my instructor could see it from afar; my usually pink hue became white washed. My heart was racing and I felt terrified and estatic at the same time but after two false starts, I got used to the extra speed and rhythm and life became a little easier although my heart was still pounding in my chest. Although Pirellio and I technically fit better, Starshine and I have this bond... aawww. My legs felt like (still do) jelly afterwards; the same feeling I had when I first rode. To think, just as I thought I was full and ready to leave, God gives me another Divine serving of His amazingness; His love, faithfulness, sufficiency, grace, sovereignty...

I was talking about Creation and God to Starshine before we rode. I asked her whether animals have the same sense of wrong as humans do. I came to that quandary because at the Fall, Creation's relationship with God shattered, as did our relationship with God and our relationship with Creation and one another. So if Creation's relationship with God shattered, how do animals find favour in God's eyes? Can animals ever find favour in God's eyes? Were they ever meant to find favour in God's eyes or have a type of relationship with Him although not to the same extent we do? Starshine didn't really know or if she did, I failed to understand what she was trying to say.

After our breath taking (literally), jelly-legged run, we went back to the stables. On the way,we encountered another horse of a most vicious kind. With plenty of space for at least three horses to pass, this grey decided that he would refuse anyone access even though it was the only way through. My nightmare of being kicked in the face, having my skull cracked open and bleeding and teeth in my eyeballs nearly came true today. Thankfully, I was not completely on Cloud 9 and could still see the pinned back ears and shift of feet as the grey got ready to kick. I ran and Starshine just nearly avoided being struck. When horses kick, it is not a let's-kick-a-football sort of kick, more the let's-break-bones-and-do-mortal-damage kind. That was scary. My finger, still sore from Pirellio's bite, reminded me I can never take horses for granted. They are not creatures of reason but of instinct. Not of mind, but of brute strength. I still love them though and 'battle scars' to prove how much.

Thursday, July 05, 2007

Relationship tip #1

Disclaimer: Not that I am a qualified relationship 'expert' or am in one.. unless you count my horses.

DO NOT BRING WORK HOME or words to that effect.

Pirellio bit me on Friday. I got a big shock but was still eager to ride again. That was yesterday. Something was amiss. I went riding today. Different horse, same problem. My instructor knew it. I knew it. My horse knew it. We were not connecting. It is a bit hard to explain how one 'connects' with a creature that cannot 'speak.' Connection however can be seen in the way a rider rides and horse responds. Last week, I had a blast. I merely did a clickity-click sound and nudged gently with my heel and the horse was off and away. Yesterday and today I was thrashing in my saddle and the horse still moved reluctantly. In all honesty, I think the horses (Pirellio and Starshine hereinafter referred to as P and S respectively) were confused. I may have been giving the wrong signals or conflicting signals but I think the problem started as soon as I stepped into the stable.

P's bite did something to me I thought would never happen. As much as I still love horses, my body language tells the horse I am afraid of it. That I will lash out if I think the horse is coming too near and the horse can sense it and does either one of two things as it feeds off the fear; plays up to make me more fearful or responds in fear and defends itself. For the first time in my life, there is this psychological barrier between me and horses that is most burdensome and frustrating. Maybe I am personifying horses more than I should but that bite was akin to betrayal. The trust is lost. The relationship cracked. All that is left are two parties, each distrustful of the other and wondering, "What went wrong?" Is love a switch one really can switch on or off anytime at will?

This morning as I went to class, I was not day dreaming about horse riding as I have been the last two months. I do wonder, in the wake of the bite, whether horse riding has become just another lesson instead of a joy. If it has, I must stop and take a breather before my love for horses disappears altogether. My concentration these last two days have also been affected by impending exams. Just as I have taken my horsey problems to the study table and instead of focusing on memorising facts about law, am left thinking how to salvage my relationship, so when I am in the saddle I start thinking about law and so my horse loses focus on the track and I lose focus as to where my hands and feet are meant to be.

To be honest, I have had horse nightmares the last few days; another first. I dream of my fingers getting bitten off, my face getting kicked in, my face being torn apart and losing limbs. In this unrest, I can only cry out to God. Crying is good; works wonders to destress but for all its wondrous properties, I cannot let myself completely go because the weight of the emotional baggage could possibly crush me, leaving me with precious days lost, recuperating instead of studying.

Anyway, tomorrow is another day of riding.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Arachnophobia no way!

Forget exams. I have moved up to the 'difficult' level of Spider Solitaire. I was stuck on 'medium' level (two suits) for months and now after weeks of cracking the code, I have been promoted to four suits. My brain is on fire! Just not for exams... Have also completed 60 levels of Bobby Carrot on my mobile phone and despite a recent traumatising incident with a horse, I will be going riding again tomorrow morning. Estatic. I last rode 3 days ago but it feels like a year. Get me back on my horse!!!! Let me leave all the writs and service of notice and injuctions behind...

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Last furlong to go

I have been riding the CLP wave and now it is time for the crunch, the last mile, the razor's edge. Two weeks to go and the reason for all the worrying, studying and crying will come to a head. 10 days after the start of the CLP, I will be back home, enjoying my brother's company, playing with my dog, eating good food and generally being a bum :) as I stretch lazily and know that mum will bring back chicken rice with cucumber pickles for lunch. In five weeks I'll be riding the wild open spaces of Mongolia and drinking horse milk as I sit in Mongolian tents (ger) made from camel hide. I can't wait.

Have much to be thankful for regardless of CLP results. Even if I never become a lawyer, there are still people to tell about Jesus, horses to ride and friends to be made. There are experiences to be had, loves to be lost and lives to be won. The race for life and of life is far from over and though the CLP may have a professional hold over me, it will not and cannot have what is most precious. It doesn't mean I can sit on my backside, do nothing and expect the best, unless I am being stalked by a bear. I am told that if one chases you, stay very still but have yet to encounter one to tell you if it proves to be true. However, it does mean that I trust in God's provision for me. My God, my Heavenly Father, owns the world, everything within it and everything out of it. It doesn't mean there will never be trials or sufferings, but it does mean that I can have complete confidence in the path before me, knowing that in Christ, it doesn't matter where life a.k.a God leads me, in the end, I will arrive home and nothing short of the will of God can stop that.