Wednesday, May 02, 2007

Loser

So I am a loser, so what? So I want to rant and not care if my yell out of the window wakes the whole block, so what? Why do we keep on thinking about the good of others when everything in us wants to let loose? If I want to cross the street, what do I care that 10 other cars are waiting to run me down if I do? If we all had inner people living in us, mine would be Chaos... or Chaos vs. Holy Spirit. I feel like a battlefield; bruised, bloody and tired.

Daryl is my online counselor. No, he's not some random person I 'picked up' to counsel me. We've shared pasta and booze and Walkers yogurt and mint popodums and he's vegetarian so he's nice to animals. Since he's gonna do a whole hypnotherapy course, I reckon it qualifes him to listen to my problems. Better than some other people anyway who keep wanting to fix me. I said, "Don't touch me!!!" Don't question the friendship; if it's there it's there. Stop analysing it. Stop thinking that I should be this, that or the other to be such and such a friend. I might not be what you thought I was and I'm not going to change just because you were mistaken. Anyway, Daryl's a good listener and he always recommends horse riding and chocolate.

So, I'm going through the motions. So is everybody else. I just happen to put mine down in words that can be read. What does it mean to be alive? Is it to be me? So I've died to sin and I've died to self but it doesn't mean I'm void of any character of my own so how does that work out? Is God happier when I'm happy wearing my favourite perfume or is He is happier when I'm thinking how to be more compassionate? Cos right now, I'm wearing my favourite smell and am not feeling compassionate at all and I want God to be happy with me. Is that too simple a term to put it?

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