Sunday, May 13, 2007

How long?

There was a time (long past) when the happy screams of children running up and down the aisle came from me. I can only be thankful that the fretful, exam-minded students who sat in cafes trying to study whilst I stampeded around pretending I was a bull did not throw their highlighters and page markers at me. If they had, their actions might have rendered me a more compliant child. Today, in my bubble world of, "Shut up I can't hear myself think!" and study, I defer to their wisdom and practice the same restraint whenever my ears pick up the tiniest squeek from one of the many mischief-ridden creatures disguised as cute children. There are days when study is furthest from one's mine and all one want's to do is sleep but even sleep brings no respite. Supposed rest is confronted by Ugly Betty chocolate (it doesn't exist in real life), cheese crackers and pregnant, 6-feet tall women (where on earth do I get these dreams from???).

It has been 2 weeks since I started studying and it feels like I'm stuck in an endurance race across the dessert without a horse. See Hidalgo to get more insight.

You know what I want to do? What I really, really want to do? Besides drop everything and leave, that is. I think I mentioned that somewhere before... I want to ride all day, everyday. Choose a horse and gallop across fields and clear fences. I want to hear the song of winds from distant lands in my ear and feel the world turn in flight. I don't want to be bound by what I can do yet if I achieve what I thought I couldn't, then I was not bound by it in the first place. So maybe there's more out there... there has to be. Else life would be a very dreary place. Maybe it's because I live in fantasy and not reality that makes me trust in dreams a lot more. Maybe it's because I do not want the reality everyone else has. A classy house with lots of books and a polished, rosewood, spiral staircase or a fancy car or amazing job seems to be what everyone wants these days. Or kids. Not that they don't sound fantastic but are we just horses with blinkers on, pushing on because all we can hear is other horses straining for the same thing? Have we put ourselves whether accidentally or on purpose, in a horse-sized rat race?

There is an old story of a wolf and a dog. Wolf sees that his friend Dog is sleek and robust and well-fed whilst he has to scavenge for food and fight to keep it from other wolves. So Wolf asks Dog how he can have the same thing and Dog answers that his master that looks after him and he never has to worry about getting fed. It all seems such a good prospect until Wolf sees that Dog is wearing a collar. What is that for? Dog explains that it is for the master to keep him close when he (the master) wants to (in law terms it really could be arrest, under both s.15(1) CPC and the rules set by Lord Devlin in Shaaban; arrest by confining or using force to restrain). Wolf opts for his reedom than for a life in comfort.

On one hand, I'm like Wolf, disliking authority and being told where to go. But seeing as we're either a slave to sin or righteousness and there's no room for autonomy as much as the world would like to believe, wouldn't we want to be on the right side? So what IS the right side? The side that says feed your family and fall into line or the side that says break out of the mould and do something wreckless? Not that the two are in complete conflict; I can break out of expectations and still show filial piety. The more I think about it, the more I find that the mould I want to break out of is myself. The expectations I have somehow set for myself, the life I will lead, the people I will surround myself with, the instructions I find myself following albeit grudgingly because I have let myself be led in that direction.

After the CLP, I'll have a look around. If I get through, I'll do the pupillage because after all that effort, I want to at least say that I am a qualified lawyer. Whether I practice or not is another matter.

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