Saturday, May 19, 2007

Honey, I'm home

I am thinking of maybe limiting the scope of my readers. Looking back on blogs, I realise that a lot of personal emotions, thoughts and questions has gone up here and if one chooses to spend time analysing it (although why one would do that, I have no idea; maybe I could be a guinea pig to diagnose unique, psychological traits), despite having never met me before, quite a rounded and fairly accurate picture could be painted or maybe not. Maybe it is because I am reading in between the lines through subjective spectacles personal to me that meaning leaps out. If someone else read this, it may not make as big an impact on them as it does to me. In many ways, this blog is like a diary. It is a given that some people write EVERYTHING down in diaries, from names of people they hate to situations where they compromised themselves or their integrity. I never did that in my diary because despite having a diary, once when I was about 14, I never trusted that the stuff I wrote in it would never come out. Sure I wrote about people I was angry at and the same old thing you might find in the diary of a 14-year old but nothing of consequence that would jeopardise my core. In many ways, it is the same today. I tell secrets; but the secrets I tell are only secrets that will not compromise my standing. It does not mean that the secrets are worthless; in fact if I find that my secrets have been leaked, the betrayal is still acute, but the harm to my person is minimal. So there. You've learned something more about me. Unless I have mentioned this before in a previous entry then you can go and analyse why I'm bringing it up again... if you have time.

I am a sucker for all things that promise weight lost.

The last few days have been somewhat uncertain but then life is pretty uncertain. I suppose more questions have been raised lately because I am nearing a transition and want to make sure I take the right road. It does not mean however that I am losing my mind or that I have relinquished control to 'karma' or fate, not that I really believe in either. The closest thing to fate which I accept is the sovereignty of God, which is not fatalism and it is good to trust in divine providence. The Divine Trio keep me anchored. If I were really impulsive, I would give up things I have worked for in a second without a second thought but alas, as much as I don't want to admit it, I am a creature of habit, if not routine. Many things I do seem to be reckless but being the person that I am, those decisions have already been made, probably years ago, by strangely enough, a set of different circumstances, which proceeded to then sculpt my opinion and ambition so that when the opportunity arose, I could recognise it and act as soon as possible. Few things, if any, in life are chance. One makes one's chances happen. For example, I have (kind of) planned my wedding, know what I want to name at least 2 sons (if I have any) and know that I want a Chinese buffet served at my funeral. So when or if the opportunity to act upon those decisions happen, as spontaneous as it may seem, it is but a piece in a jigsaw I am slowly creating. I know things may not go my way; I pointed out to a friend who wants to name her daughter (if she has any) 'Millie' that if she married someone with the surname 'Mills,' her daughter would be 'Millie Mills.' I don't know if there are any Millie Millses in the world but that's not the most appealing name, to me anyway.

So no matter how bizarre or exciting my life might seem (I said might seem not is, although sometimes it has its moments), it is not, actually. Or maybe it is. For if I plan for me to be such or plan do such things that I would never have thought of doing had I not planned them, I increase my 'chances' of fantasy becoming reality. And if one can live one's dreams literally in person, then Nozick's experience machine holds no weight. Unless you want to ride dragons that fly and feel your toes curl as they plunge and swoop and defy gravity.

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