Wednesday, April 25, 2007
Although considerably past midnight, I am still awake, processing thoughts, some trivial, some serious, and trying to find solutions or at least an acceptance of them, to achieve for myself restful slumber. But the more I think that I want to sleep, the more I realise that there are many things more important than sleep and as much as I try not to be troubled by them (because I should cast all my anxieties on God who cares), my mind wanders and I start thinking about them again to the extent of dreaming and living them out in a parallel world that only I live in. I dream of things restored, of being in flight and free, of being completely surrendered to one who protects. I dream of sunsets and purple clouds against a pink sky. I dream of shifting clouds and ripples across the sand dunes. I dream of high cliffs and a sheer drop. In my dreams my toes curl and I always think I will fall but in my dreams I close my eyes and pretend that I am not miles off the ground and not in danger. I dream of winding stairs and people and places I have met or been to before yet they are not the same people or places I remembered them to be. I dream of being angrier than I want and happier than I dare. I try to see things through long term lenses as well as short term and try to reconcile the two without sacrificing what is truly important. I try to discern what is actually important from what I want to be important. Some things I want to hold on to, hoping that in time, things will fall into place but how long should I hold on? Am I really responsible for half the things I think I am responsible for? Other things I have finally let loose; did I give up too soon? And if I let go, do I never embrace again? New interests appear; do I neglect my past? How much of my past do I put in my future? How much of my future relies on my past? Is it worse being dishonest than being honest simply because I don't care for the reaction they might bring?