Wednesday, February 21, 2007


Sometimes I dream I want a huge, duplex, open plan, penthouse suite somewhere posh like Regent Street, where I have my in-house plants and polished marble tables and champagne flutes even though I don't drink. I dream it's monochrome with splashes of red and wood and fluffy. I dream I have 2 dogs, preferably one German Shepherd and one Bull Mastiff who are immaculately clean and unbelievably well-behaved (with psychic powers and can sense when I'm upset or come before I call). I dream that I have some sort of money churning job in the city and that somehow all the big companies want me. I dream I'm about a foot taller than I am and a hundred inches thinner. I dream that I eat burgers and not gain weight and have an inbuilt studio for kickboxing. I dream that I have superpowers. One of those mind controlling ones that Jean Grey from the X-men have. So I dream I can fly and shatter glass and walk on water. I dream I can move furniture without lifting a finger and never break into a sweat. I dream that I can run for miles, not get tired, and go out partying incessantly. I dream everyone likes me and it doesn't matter whether I like them back. I dream I throw the best parties and all the whos who float in to get a bite of the apple. I dream I look amazing in everything I wear.

Time for the truth. I don't own a house, flat or studio apartment, let alone one in a posh area. I used to have vodka shot glasses but have left them in another country. The room I'm renting looks like a five-year old painted it because the bed spread doesn't match anything. I have one dog because some jerk poisoned my other 2 dogs and she's a Japanese spitz cross who's getting old :( I don't have a money churning job, in fact I don't have a job cos I'm still studying. No company has yet said they WANTED me and the only way I'll ever be a foot taller is if I stood on a one-foot high platform and if I lost a hundred inches, I might just be dead. I eat burgers and gain weight and don't have an inbuilt anything for kickboxing. I don't even kickbox. I don't have super powers although if you bug me, my pitch should deafen you. I don't move furniture because I'm too lazy to and I sweat even without moving furniture. I run for metres rather than miles and get tired going up the stairs. I prefer to stay at home to watch TV and eat crisps out of the packet with chopsticks so I don't dirty my fingers as opposed to going out. I know not everyone likes me and sometimes it matters that they don't like me back. I throw the occasional party but no one comes to bite the apple because I don't serve apples. I don't look amazing in everything that comes out of the catwalk. That's why shopping was invented.

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