Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Haunted

I'm still haunted over memories that I lost in Scrabble. I think what made it more traumatic is who I lost to :( but the thing that makes it most traumatic is that the incident did not actually happen at all. It was all in a dream and yet to me the intangible lost in my dreams meant more to me than if I had actually lost in real life. I mean, if I can't fly off rooftops and change into random animals in my dreams, then when? If I can't even win at Scrabble in my dream, should I really care about winning at all? Some might say, "It was only a dream, it doesn't prove anything," but to me, I need to prove things to myself, if not to other people, all the time, yes, even in my dreams. Perhaps it comes from hanging around guys too much for the last how many years. Their priorities and maybe even way of thinking is starting to rub off on me. Notions of wanting to be respected and admired, of feeling sufficient have now taken a more important seat than wanting to be protected or even loved. Self-sufficiency is slightly different from sufficiency. I can be sufficient because God is sufficient for me but when I am self-sufficient, I no longer depend on God.

Right down, hints of a migraine are starting to annoy me, even more so because I have a 12 hour flight tomorrow. London, here I come. No sweet grass of home but certainly sweet.

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