Thursday, January 18, 2007

Being here and there

Trusting God is very hard for a myopic person who thinks she's right most of the time. Since God, having perfect vision, knows exactly where I'll be going, what I'll be doing, who I'll be seeing, why and how I'll get there, wherever 'there' is, sometimes I do wonder, "Why can't I know just a little of that? Wouldn't it make life SO much easier knowing that what that person said wouldn't still hurt in 20 years time or that it didn't matter that I missed the bus." I guess that's the 'Eve' in me. The 'Eve' that wants more but not 'more' in a contented, I'll-have-what-you-give-me-Lord 'more' but an I-want-all-I-can-eat 'more.' The Eve that wants everything and wonders why she doesn't have it all. The Eve that wonders if somehow, somewhere, she has been cheated out of having A,B,C that X,Y,Z has. Or worse than being cheated, if, without hindsight, she chose the path she did, but only because she didn't know that the path would lead her to where she was now. I suppose there's an 'Eve' in all of us to that respect. Is there such a thing as getting out of life's rat race, not just financially, but emotionally, intellectually, socially, even spiritually?

Gah. Fluctuation doesn't look good on a stocks and bonds chart and it certainly doesn't look good on life's chart of feelings. One day I'm euphoric, the next I'm depressed. One moment I'm striving, the next I'm blase. One minute I'm confident, the next I'm insecure. Maybe that's why guys don't talk about them. I wonder of they deal with them in a different way or just hide them or ignore them... I would really love to know. Maybe I should take a leaf out of their book and do just that instead of trying to analyse every "Oh" and "Hmm..." Argh!

Am I restless because I'm going against what I should naturally be doing or am I going against the grain because I'm restless? Is my restlessness the cause or the effect of something I'm doing either rightly or wrongly? I have no idea. Maybe I should get married, get divorced then 'continue' on with life. That sounds so stupid but makes so much sense at the same time. Just chuck everything out of the window and stare at and empty shell and try to remember what things were like before life got so complicated. Trying to go 'green' perhaps and discard all the complications of people and voices and opinions. I need a punching bag. Or a dog.

Know what my problem is? I haven't surrendered stuff to God. Big stuff. Huge stuff. Stuff's that been swimming in my head since childhood. Stuff I don't even want to talk to myself about. Stuff that even when I do talk to myself and God about and repent of, still exists in memories, in character. Not taunting or condemning me, but affecting my here and now nevertheless. Stuff that affects the idea of friendships, companionship, relationships. So I try to sit on them. Maybe eat a few more bars of chocolate so I can compress them with another huge burden and then to hide the other burden under more legalism and knowledge. Knowledge doesn't just bring power. It brings death. I feel suffocated under knowledge, which proves, to me anyway that even knowing God alone doesn't save. Only God saves.

I graduated yesterday and for a brief moment, my camera jammed. I panicked. Not because the camera was new or that I wasn't savvy enough to fix it but because I thought I had lost the pictures in them forever. Even simple things like a picture of my dog back home or of friends, pictures which can be taken any other time, seem so important. Maybe because, even though they can be taken another time, the situation cannot be recreated, my dog will age, my (male) friends will grow facial hair and as the years go by, we all will look a little older, a little wiser(?) and a little less yet a little more. The past cannot be rewritten and even though a big part of me wishes it could, I wouldn't be me today if it hadn't happened. Anyway, I prayed and God fixed my camera so it's functioning again. Unlike my camera, I doubt God just 'fixes' people. I don't think it's because He can't. I don't know whether it's because He won't but I know that His way is the best even though many times it wrecks havoc with me, myself, I. I just want to be completely broken so that I wouldn't even consider me, myself, I. And yet, God isn't satisfied with a broken spirit, He wants a purified spirit. I guess that's the hard part. If God only wanted broken hearts and souls, all He has to do is let us go and we would fall, crash and burn. But He wants us pure and so goes on to purify us so that we will be blameless and holy before Him. I suppose as one refines gold, all the dross is revealed to be thrown away. In the same way, perhaps, the more God moulds me, the more my filth is revealed and in being revealed, can then be thrown away. It just seems, so many times, that after all the dross is gone, there wouldn't be much gold left. Maybe I'm a rock of dross. What then? I really don't know.

Sometimes I do wonder whether my love of travelling, of exploring new cultures, of never settling in one place, stems from running away from God. Maybe I don't want to do what God wants me to do so I just shut my ears and run wherever like a headless chicken. Sometimes I happen to run in the direction God wants me to go, but if I did it would be sheer luck, in my decapitated state. It all boils down to faith. I'll be honest. I'm worried that God's big plan for me is to settle down and drive my kids to school everyday for 20 years and cook, clean, and walk the dog (as much as I love dogs). Not that I don't think I'll mind doing that, I just want more. There's that word again; m-o-r-e. I very rarely think that God is going to send me to the stake to burn or that I'll be stabbed in the street or that I'll be ridiculed repeatedly and constantly for preaching the gospel. Maybe I should start thinking like that. I don't know.

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