Thursday, November 30, 2006

Half empty, half full

Everytime I think I'm getting lost in the hustle of things and need refocussing, I read Purpose Driven Life by Rick Warren. I think it's because from all my spoon-feeding years of Malaysian education, it's a hard habbit to kick getting everything sent straight to my gut instead of going through digestion. I'm not saying that Purpose Driven Life is not a good read. On the contrary, it's concise, convenient (it's broken up into different areas of life) and most importantly, correct in sound teaching. I get lost a lot and need someone or something to point my toes back in the right direction. It's not just men who don't ask for directions and was it women who couldn't read maps? Sometimes in my eagerness I step right off the path and into the thicket and wonder why people aren't following. Or in my myopic state, I walk into a lion's path without realising the danger I'm in. Too often I worry that I'm overdoing things. Too often I worry that perhaps the world, or even other Christians are right when they say I'm too extreme in character, in views, in life. I worry more about being overzealous than I do being a spectator. I mean, look at the Pharisees. They were an overzealous lot and no one wants to be like them. They had good intentions but bad motives. Everytime I go out for a meal with people, pray for family and friends, talk to guys, call a friend, I question my motives. I don't want to live a half life, you see. Even when I'm tired, let me be tired so that when something happens during my tired state, God is given all the glory. Heck, this isn't some super spiritual ideology. There's no shame in being tired and there's no shame admitting that to God. In fact it's when we don't admit we're tired, needy, hungry or lost when that displeases God. When we see ourselves as suffcient, as good enough, as complete, without God, when we really have got no idea at all. You know what? It's when I'm overworked, full to the brim with activities, meeting people and raring to go when I am most satisfied in God. I believe God would be less glorified in me if I were to try be someone else. I guess I've always thought I had rough edges and I've always thought the rough edges had to go before I was on the right track to becoming Christ like. But I think if I were a shape, I don't think God made me a circle hence, I have edges and trying to rub those edges out would not only hurt myself, it would be denying who God made me to be. Some scatter seed, not stopping for it to take root. Others come along and nurture the seed. Still others come and help the seed mature, becoming plants, which then produce more seed to be scattered. I think I need to stop feeling guilty that I don't want to stay put. That as much as I want spiritual fruit to grow and religious nuts to dry, I don't think I'm built to stay. Although, if God were to change my heart and purpose and one day I find that I actually want to stay then I would feel most satisfied in Him when I stay. But for now, my heart is restless. I don't know how long I will be in KL for. I didn't know how long I would be in London for. 5 years went by very quickly. Christmas is coming up. My course finishes in July. Every opportunity is an opportunity to share the gospel. I don't know when my time will come to an end in KL but it would only have been half a life if I didn't be true to the person I am.

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