Wednesday, September 27, 2006

On the road again

Said goodbye to my brother just now. Have only been home a week and I'm off again. I wonder if he feels upset that his big sister is leaving him again. Or maybe I've been away so long he doesn't notice. As much as I'd like him to miss me, I would rather he not and be okay than miss me and be sad. There's almost nothing worse than leaving people you care about; funny isn't it? I'll only be across a pond and will even be able to fly back for weekends yet I miss him as much as if I were in London. Am in the middle of packing and despite having bought a larger suitcase, when I went out for dinner with my mum, I still felt drawn to buying more...

Travelling is fun. Or at least, that's what I tell myself and that's what I believed. Until recently I was contemplating life as a globe trotter, perhaps a lifetime of running away and living for the moment. If I leave before I settle, I can carpe diem more because I wouldn't have to worry about consequences as I would be leaving anyway. However, there have been snatches of doubt and pockets of uncertainty even while I day dream of riding a camel across the Gobi desert. I can only put it down to me being female. If I weren't female, I wouldn't even need to wrestle against the - I can't believe I'm going to say this - want (did you hear that word being spat out?) of settling and being secure. I'd just go ride my camel, donkey or whatever else and hunt and sleep outside and... okay, very primitive view of man but hey, you get the picture. And because being me, who wants to fly in the face of convention and everything 'normal,' I force myself, on basis of principle, to not be everything everyone is telling me I'll be; a wife, a mother, a lawyer, a rich person, a stable income class, respected, looked up to, bla bla bla. Perhaps believing all that makes life more painful; that some women who want to be wives never meet the 'right' man and some who want children come face to face with closed wombs. Not accepting that I want such and such could make whatever I do have all the more special. Except that I don't stop at not accepting, I run in the opposite direction, running away from it as if I never want to be bound to it, by it, for it, with it.

I think about my place in life and in society more, the more I travel. It's hard to leave people behind even as I look forward to meeting new people and old friends in another country. What do I want? I am so fickle that whatever I want could only bring me destruction if not surrendered to God. God gave me passion but unless my passion is bridled for His use, it is only destructive all the time and hurts me, my ministry, my witness and those around me, knowingly or unknowingly. In the end, I can only do what my Maker wants me to do because I only want to do what my Maker wants me to do. I want our wills to be so intertwined, I yearn to see Him face to face. It will be a terrible day to behold His glorious beauty a sinner and yet knowing He will then call my name and save me as His own, is too much to bear and the only way I can thank Him, in the minutest form in the miserable state that I am in, is to live my life His way, and only His way. So in some respect, I am calm about moving, knowing it means I will meet more people with whom I can share the gospel and my life with. The important thing is making it last with the people I have now and making sure nothing that has to be said goes unsaid.

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