Wednesday, September 27, 2006

On the road again

Said goodbye to my brother just now. Have only been home a week and I'm off again. I wonder if he feels upset that his big sister is leaving him again. Or maybe I've been away so long he doesn't notice. As much as I'd like him to miss me, I would rather he not and be okay than miss me and be sad. There's almost nothing worse than leaving people you care about; funny isn't it? I'll only be across a pond and will even be able to fly back for weekends yet I miss him as much as if I were in London. Am in the middle of packing and despite having bought a larger suitcase, when I went out for dinner with my mum, I still felt drawn to buying more...

Travelling is fun. Or at least, that's what I tell myself and that's what I believed. Until recently I was contemplating life as a globe trotter, perhaps a lifetime of running away and living for the moment. If I leave before I settle, I can carpe diem more because I wouldn't have to worry about consequences as I would be leaving anyway. However, there have been snatches of doubt and pockets of uncertainty even while I day dream of riding a camel across the Gobi desert. I can only put it down to me being female. If I weren't female, I wouldn't even need to wrestle against the - I can't believe I'm going to say this - want (did you hear that word being spat out?) of settling and being secure. I'd just go ride my camel, donkey or whatever else and hunt and sleep outside and... okay, very primitive view of man but hey, you get the picture. And because being me, who wants to fly in the face of convention and everything 'normal,' I force myself, on basis of principle, to not be everything everyone is telling me I'll be; a wife, a mother, a lawyer, a rich person, a stable income class, respected, looked up to, bla bla bla. Perhaps believing all that makes life more painful; that some women who want to be wives never meet the 'right' man and some who want children come face to face with closed wombs. Not accepting that I want such and such could make whatever I do have all the more special. Except that I don't stop at not accepting, I run in the opposite direction, running away from it as if I never want to be bound to it, by it, for it, with it.

I think about my place in life and in society more, the more I travel. It's hard to leave people behind even as I look forward to meeting new people and old friends in another country. What do I want? I am so fickle that whatever I want could only bring me destruction if not surrendered to God. God gave me passion but unless my passion is bridled for His use, it is only destructive all the time and hurts me, my ministry, my witness and those around me, knowingly or unknowingly. In the end, I can only do what my Maker wants me to do because I only want to do what my Maker wants me to do. I want our wills to be so intertwined, I yearn to see Him face to face. It will be a terrible day to behold His glorious beauty a sinner and yet knowing He will then call my name and save me as His own, is too much to bear and the only way I can thank Him, in the minutest form in the miserable state that I am in, is to live my life His way, and only His way. So in some respect, I am calm about moving, knowing it means I will meet more people with whom I can share the gospel and my life with. The important thing is making it last with the people I have now and making sure nothing that has to be said goes unsaid.

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Growing old

Sarah, Cheryl and I are no longer the 3 year olds we used to be - doh. We are proud to proclaim that we do not wet our beds, suck our thumbs or wear squeaky shoes that our parents thought were fashionable. We no longer attend church in our pyjamas as we used to do in primary school because getting up earlier than 15 minutes before church was just too early. We no longer drink from the milkbottle although I still remember exactly how much I drank; 3 scoops of milk powder, 1 scoop of chocolate malt (Milo) and 6 ounzes of water. We no longer beg for rides home from senior youth members who can drive. Instead we're being begged to drive them home. We no longer speak the lingo and we repeat everything our parents used to tell us to anyone who will listen. We shoulder responsibilities, feel tired by 10pm and have to think of what to prepare for breakfast the next day. We look at the younglings in church and wonder why they worry about certain things which seem so minute until we realise we worried about the exact same things when we were their age.

The best test of our age old wisdom came tonight when we went to Cheryl's new house and tried to unlock her wardrobe. The key was no where to be found so we tried to open the door the old fashion way; by force and a bit of brain power.

How many girls does it take to open a locked wardrobe?

About half an hour (or was it an hour) later, we had tried using most girlified equipment to open the door - cardboard, hairclips, safety pin, clothes hanger, light from the back of a mobile phone, even a pair of tweezers because a pair of manly pliers could not be found. Eventually, the door was forced open! Hooray for the over 20s locked door challenge champions...

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Rested, resting, rest

So, I have been home 3 days yet it feels like 3 months. Coming home was not as bad as I thought it would be; I neither forgot how to behave acceptably in public nor my Malay when questioned. The food is as good as always and am trying to fit in as many home town dishes into my belly before I fly to KL, but things have changed, especially apparent in the fact that I shared my bowl of char siu mee pok with Sarah at supper on Saturday. Results of my restraint were not unpleasant though as both A and I commented that I looked like I had lost weight - yesssss!!!!!!!! - it was probably the clothes I was wearing rather than actually having lost weight though but it was nice to think others thought so ;p

I was actually really stressed last night at the thought of going to KL so soon. I would have liked to rest and put my feet up a couple more weeks but that just will not do as I seriously need to get cranking on my course. It was not merely the thought of going to KL that bothered me; usually I am quite happy going anywhere and turning it into home. I think my stress is that I think I need to do certain things. It was fine when I wanted to move, wanted to look for housing, wanted to find a job, wanted a phone, wanted a housemate but now the mode had shifted to need. I think the panic and worry had mounted for some time, which led to a full-out, SOS signal to God; having to look for accomodation with my dad (part of me feels I will be less stressed if he did not come along but part of me is glad for the company), buying a new phone tomorrow, memorising a new number, getting to grips with the whats, wheres, whys, hows and whos and a host of other previous issues I had to settle before leaving London wormed their way through my 'Everything's OK' road block between my brain... and my brain.

I wish I did not have to go back to study. I wish I could just spend a few more days at home with my brother and dogs (Troy and Deuce have grown so much and Sally has been an awesome mum to them - I'm so proud!), playing marbles and sleeping and letting my dogs chew my feet. But you know what? Life will not wait for me to be ready. Life will go on and I have to be ready. I wish I were 15 again when the biggest worry was whether I could slip through without being caught by the prefects on duty for having long fingernails during the daily assembly inspections or whether the Maths teacher would catch me eating in class. When we were 15, growing up was all we ever wanted to do. 7 years down the line and we find growing up is about responsibility, burdens and a jarred history. We find that at 25, what we wanted for ourselves at 25 when we were 15, was what we kind of already had at 15. I can't roll my eyes at the adults anymore, I am one. I don't wonder why they worry and seem to not enjoy life, I feel the same way. I don't question them for slowing down when the world seems to be speeding up, I like music from the 80s - how old is that??!!?? - and that's what I call music. Soon my slimline phone will be too bulky because they'll all have microcells implanted and nanopods will be replaced by gigapods. "Nanopods?" we will be asked, "...that's some box my grandmother used to fiddle around with."

I guess I'm still healing. Time heals. God heals. But to heal, I need rest and I guess my wounds are just being tried a little more than I would like them to be because I'm not getting enough rest. So, here's to rest.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Love bug; it's just a bug right?

The Feeling - Never Be Lonely

People in love they're fast and foolish
People in love get everything wrong
People in love get scared and stupid
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
They'll never be lonely

B-b-b-baby
I think I'm going c-c-c-crazy
Why should I be sane without you (hahh)

They tell me to fight it
They can bloody well just try it
I'll never be the same without you (hahh)

People in love get special treatment
People in love get everything wrong
People in love their hearts get eaten
People in love get everything wrong

At least they're not lonely
At least they're not lonely
They'll never be lonely

B-b-b-baby
I think I'm going c-c-c-crazy
And why should I be sane without you (hahh)
They tell me to fight it
But they can bloody well just try it

Touchdown

Am currently in very big airport waiting for next flight home. Am also somewhat hungry after giving that reasonable thought but because internal body clock is a bit confused, although I am generally confused and confusing, I don't feel like eating. Much. Marcus emailed to clarify a few things I didn't know beforehand. I didn't know a boeing 747 was a jet. Wow. All this time I have literally been 'jetting' back and forth around the world. Cool. Very cool. He also said that an 'I Owe You' was a rain check, not a rain cheque. I assumed the latter just because most things people own other people have something to do with money. Managed to get all my luggage on the plane back at Heathrow. Went extra early cos had lots of stuff (even after sending off 179 kilos in advance - I should SO be a collector or collecter, whichever way a pedant would put it) but was coincidentally very teary when nice lady behind counter asked if I was going home for good so she checked all my stuff in and I believe, but have yet to confirm... she upgraded me to a first class, window seat for this next flight home. Goody. Tears work wonders with everything. I don't like using them in general but if it lets me get my way, turn on the tap! I think there are people waiting behind me to make use of this free internet connection. I really don't think they should expect me to go any faster. Afterall, I waited my turn, someone else should wait theirs. Just because I'm not a hundred a sixty two shouldn't mean I can't use the free internet services too. Anyway, if I were a hundred and sixty two, I'd probably need my great great grandchildren's grandchildren to type as I dictate, as old ladies do. Not that I have anything against dictating or old ladies although I would draw the line at dictators and permanently cranky old ladies.

Monday, September 18, 2006

Reality check

So, I will fly on Wednesday... can't say I feel too bad. Leaving London is almost a farce. I said almost. I have planned to be back for Carly's wedding (woo hoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) in November and my mum has just said she would like me to come back in January for my graduation so I can take that all important photo drapped in tapestry as I was in Japan when I was meant to graduate (see where my priorities lie :) ??). That would mean that I will return to London more times in a year than I did going home to Malaysia in 5 years hence, a farce. It will also mean that Elena and I will graduate together - if they have both the Theology and Law graduates on the same day - yay, together, we wouldn't be so totally bored out of our minds! My plans when I get home so far include: Church wise, I will be going to SMACC. Amy M from St H knows people there as do a friend or two here and it's affiliated, or so I'm told, to St Ebbes, Oxford. So good teaching all around. Furthermore, I'm told some services are held in golf clubs! How strange. Even better. I have also made plans to meet up with Eing back home and to eat lots of good Kuching food before I go.

Friday, September 15, 2006

My interesting day

My interesting day started with an interesting night in which I dreamt of nothing because I couldn't get to sleep for long enough to dream of anything. If I had dreamt of anything, it would have been me reincarnated as a ferret with a brindled bull terrier chasing me, foaming at the jowls. Two hours of tossing and turning led to more tossing and turning, opening and shutting windows, chucking pillows overboard, looking for them again, kicking my duvet away, chilling to the bone, heating up when the duvet was back on and nursing a very sore head. Several times I thought I would need to drag myself to the bathroom to regurgitate the contents of my stomach which would have consisted of Chinese, Chinese and more Chinese and 5 Lindor Lindt truffle chocolates. Being seasick couldn't be worse.

So, after my interesting might, I started my interesting day by looking in the mirror. Bad choice. I wish I could have forgotten what I looked like but the memory will stay with me everytime I feel the urge to laugh at (or gawk at more likely) balding turkeys or scab ridden dogs. Had to nevertheless meet and greet a potential housemate who was a VERY tall Aussie lass, which made my neck ached even as my muscles tried to form a nice, benign smile. After the girl had gone I soaked tea bags to put on my eyes to relief it of the heaviness that threatened to drown my eyeballs in my eyelids. The Jo knocked on the door. I had no idea she was coming and thought that it might be important post or something. Opened the door with tea smeared around my eyes and tongue still stuck halfway down my throat. Went back to bed. Jo suggested I used cucumber so with tea stains still visible on my face, I went to the local grocer to buy a cucumber. I have met him in my pyjamas with a towel round my head so I doubt he took tea stains on my face to heart. Bought a cucumber. Sliced it with the knife I used to slice my kievs in half. Kievs are chicken-based. The smell of the marriage between cucumber and chicken brought me back to Kuching, my hometown where the best Hainan Chicken rice is sold; delicate steamed chicken with thinly sliced pickled cucumber and carrots dipped in chilli, ginger and garlic.. MMMMMMMMM. All of a sudden, going home wasn't so bad an idea.

Sarah came round at about 2. We then went to Chancery Lane; Ede and Ravescroft to see if I could get a graduation gown cos I was in Japan when the rest of my class graduated and had no idea a picture of me swamped in an oversized poncho meant so much to my parents so had not bothered to go find one sooner. Unfortunately, all their academic gowns are in Cambridge and there was not enough time for them to send one to London before I left. As much as I am sorry that my mum will not have a picture of me waving a non-certificate around with a bit of velvet covered cardboard stuck to my head, I believe I have been saved from a certain fashion faux paux that is only fashionable because it symbolises tradition; something the British are very good at.

Will be watching Phantom of the Opera again tonight with Pete and Elena.

Thursday, September 14, 2006

What now?

I wish I were in the middle of the ocean with a 450-pound Bengal tiger. Finished reading Life of Pi today and have allowed myself to wallow in self-pity for a bit, wishing myself anywhere but here, even on a lifeboat with no companion save a tiger who would probably eat me the first chance he got. Eating raw turtle couldn't possibly be worse... maybe my wish will be answered, hey, I'll be flying home soon. Life's problems are funny - not haha funny else they wouldn't be problems, but unexplainably funny. Weird funny. Annoying funny. Constant funny - not constantly funny. When I was in Malaysia I faced a certain set of problems, when I'm in London, the same, when I went to Japan - even though for only 3 weeks, for crying out loud! - I met the same problems there. I think the problem is me. Should I wish for God to wire me differently? I kind of like who I am; except for this nasty t-h-o-r-n. This thorn I have is so bad, I would happily tear mylimbs apart to free myself from it. A couple of bloodied pints lost will amount to nothing if I could rid myself from this sore. If I had a beak, I would tunnel my way through my own flesh until a gaping hole was permanent, to take hold of the thorn and fling it as far away as I can. If only I could be Prometheus, chained to a rock, having my torso torn apart and my liver eaten every day by vultures and eagles, if my thorn were in my liver. Unfortunately for Prometheus, his liver regrew every evening, to be torn apart and eaten again the next day. I just wish for my thorn to be eaten once. But that cannot be. Unless Frankenstein's monster came and plunged his hand into my ribs, pulling out my heart, I will never be rid of this thorn. Unless my brain went into a coma, even if my body were to shrivel and contort, my thorn will still haunt me. Oh, to be rid of it! The rawness of the wounds inflicted may be more than I can bear yet, Jesus says my grace is sufficient for you, my stength is made perfect in your weakness. Many times I have done a Catherine Tate, "Am I boverred!!??!!" to God only to have silence answer me. Then I answer myself, of course I am bothered. Doh. Part of the reason why my thorn taunts me so is because I AM bothered about what I do and say. If I really weren't bothered, stuff all, I'd do things my way. Anyway, I have to go off for Chinese now. Jo is waiting...

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

In the park

It seems odd that I do not blog everyday, that I have weeks sometimes between blogs, that I think more and talk/ write less. That was something I thought I would never do and something the 'old' Deborah would have gawked at. Nothing to say??? Actually plenty to say, just too much to put into words. Went to the park today with a few friends and had Bible quizzes to see exactly how little of the Bible we knew. It's amazing that the teachers of the law in Jesus' day would have had memorised considerable chunks, if not the whole Old Testament. I mean, the Pharisees were always the lot that got the stick but you have to admit, if they didn't know their scripture by heart, some of Jesus' more radical claims and phrases would not have had the impact it did. And to dedicate hours, days and an extire lifetime memorising scripture, if we can take anything away from the Pharisees (besides not being hypocrites) it would be to memorise scripture. And how much more do we as Christians have! For we would not be memorising God's words blindly, not knowing what they meant or worse, applying it in a way we were never meant to; our eyes have been opened and our minds renewed by the Holy Spirit that the Bible is no longer another cultural text, but God's Word, as full of life today as it was when God first spoke them into hearts long ago!

In the park I also saw a poodle - unclipped - and a gorgeous, police chestnut (horse) whom I wished I had the room and riding experience to take home with me. He had a nice butt.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

Memories

People I have 'met' in London whom I will never forget:

1. Jonathan Ross
2. Father Ted Krilly
3. Father Dougal Maguire
4. I will try forget Father Jack
5. Mrs Doyle
6. Alan Davies
7. Stephen Fry
8. Fern Britton and Philip Scofield
9. Gordon Ramsay

Most of the above might be a total clueless list if you're not British or have access to British tv but it shall serve as a memory for me when I review my blog in the following months/ years.

If you want to take a peek at my new college: Brickfields college

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

Right, left, write, wrong, rite, Wong...

Things that went right (they went the Wong-way that's my way so they went right) today:

1. Did not wake up with a headache
2. Had Chinese and fried seaweed for breakfast
3. Saw 2 more girls for the house
4. My cheque has come through!
5. Met Carly for Starbucks
6. Went to Smithfields for shopping - Carly bought me a one-pound scarf (bargain)
7. Saved 25 pounds by NOT buying a dress
8. Had tiramisu and hazelnut ice cream
9. Another Christian girl has contacted me about the house
10. Am looking forward to seeing Victoria tomorrow to watch a play called 'Boyfriend' in Regents Park
11. Am going for dinner with Eileen tomorrow night for pui bak (fatty belly pork - yummmm)

So things DID look brighter!

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Stress is no fun

Let's list all the things that went wrong today:

1. A cheque I banked has yet to come through so now I'm in the red
2. I have yet to find a housemate and I need to find one AND she has to sign the contract by this Friday.
3. The person I think is most suitable for the housemates I will leave behind has yet to give me her number. I can only bombard her with emails :p
4. I cannot sell my law books to Blackwells because they only accept books in November and by then I'll be gone.
5. I could not sell my Russian Law book to Hamiltons because they don't stock it so can't buy it back. Why can't they just buy it to recyle??!!??
6. I have a monster of a computer I would gladly 'give' away for fifty bucks including scanner and printer.
7. I need chocolate but am in the red so will feel really guilty if I bought it. Besides, I had chocolate for dinner last night.
8. Am panicking ever so slightly.
9. Am in line for being labelled 'the tap' by God because everytime I think of leaving I leak.

Maybe tomorrow will look brighter.

Weeks to go

I have one week before I bring my official accounts in London to a close! The arrangement I had for my room has fallen through because of reasons I do not think necessary to discuss but I am in a right state about what to do now. I know God is sovereign and frankly, I've gone through too many emotions to deal with anymore; to get angry, upset or otherwise and there's always the other person to think about. I could throw a fuss and spew molten lava everywhere but that's not going to help - I guess I'll just take life as it comes. It does mean however, that I have ONE WEEK to find someone to stand in my place else I'll continue paying for a room I'll not be using. Needless to say I am disappointed but some things can't be helped. Other things I have to do include emptying Hamlett (double T there, no spelling mistake), my prized, self-painted, glazed, clay piggybank. He's only filled with coppers so I'll be spending a good day counting them out. I'll be spending the remnants of my days in London going to the West End, having dinners in favourite diners (done Tinseltown and Nandos), finding a new housemate and working up the courage to tell the girl at the Chinese take-a-way about Jesus.