Thursday, October 27, 2005

Fell down

Two days ago, in a fit of extreme childishness, I thought it would be fun to play tag (or pretend to play tag) on Waterloo bridge. For those of you who know Waterloo bridge, it happened on the narrow kerb parallel to the underpass; for those of you who dont, it was a 6-inch wide pavement, not fit to run on. I ran away from Elena - she didn't know I was playing tag with her because the game only existed in my head - and when I looked over my shoulder and saw her chasing (or pretending to chase me), I ran further, giggling and clutching my 2-foot long firework as I did. I was inexplicably happy. Inexplicably? I had a 2-foot long firework in my grubby paws!!! and then it happened; I fell down. Flat. On my face. My jaw hit the kerb and my firework rolled away. A lone bus went by... A few people were walking the opposite direction. I just lay flat on my stomach; laughing too much to move, too sore to move. All I said to Elena and Sean, while gazing blankly at my bruised palms was, "I fell down," as if to explain why 5 minutes of my life had just gone by in a blur.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Running away

A faraway look plastered on my face, a sigh breeds in my ribcage... Chin between my knees, shoulders stooped to my ankles; I'm melancholic again. This time I'm thinking about running away. I can't run very fast or very far but I can run away. Why do I want to run away?
Because I don't want to stay the same.
Because I don't want to settle for less.
Because I don't want to miss out on opportunities.
Because I want to run away from the life I'm living now and the problems I have to face up to.

So, do I really need to run away? Changing my mind would be change so I wouldn't stay the same. Aiming to change would mean I wouldn't settle and changing my mind would open me to opportunities that I could have if I stayed the same, although that could also mean losing opportunities that I couls have had I stayed my course and kept my decision to run. The problems I now have are a result of my innate nature and so will be with me (probably, unless I give myself a heavy and large dose of un-Debbie medication) no matter where I run to. In that, running away seems almost hopeless, doesn't it?

I guess the question can only fully be answered by knowing what I want to flee from. So, what do I want to run from? But then... the proportion of what and who is about the same. But lest I betray, I should stop there.

On a happier note, I'll be seeing Howard tonight - my link to LCF. My dad turned 50 yesterday. He's half a century old!!!

Saturday, October 15, 2005

Carpe diem; seize the day

How important is it to seize the day? To seize the moment? To seize? I got my piercing to 'make' myself more brave, less of a coward. A month down the line and I'm thinking I might need another piercing to make this 'being brave' thing work. Sophie thinks I should just 'do it.' Be impulsive. Spontaneous. I can be in several ways I guess but I'm SUCH a coward in others! So how have I become more brave, if not as bold and daring as I want to be? I went to Paris without much, if any, planning, I'll be going to Spain on my own and probably ride Andalusians, I'm cycling in London and I'm planning to travel the trans-Siberian line in the summer. Oh, and not forgetting spilling my heart out in the previous post about how I found Nick and Greg 'yummy.' Sophie thinks it's wrong to date teachers. They're EX teachers!!!! I was discussing with Sean the possibilities of dating the both of them at the same time :)

Maybe I don't want to seize. Maybe I just want things to happen as they happen. Maybe I just want something au natural. We have enough man-made products in this world and by that I don't mean products of reproduction. I just want things to fall into place. Do they just happen or do we have to push something for something else to fall. Domino effect. Or maybe the things that I want to happen and say I want to happen and don't, aren't things I really want to happen anyway because I'm not chasing after them to happen the way I chase after dogs to photograph them. Hmmmm.....

My plan for Mongolia is one thing that's fitting together nicely in my life - but that's because I took the first step (or God did - if you prefer to answer everything with divine intervention). Questions I had in my head have been answered. People I didn't know I wanted to meet are emailing me with situations and pointers that seem to guide me in the right direction. I can't wait to go even though it might be only in chapter 12 of my life and I'm only on chapter 3. I can't wait to live in a ger and own 2.5 camels and get a saddle butt from riding all day. But I will wait and I must because as much as I am excited about the future, rather than dreading it as I was a few months ago, there're things and people in the here and now which and who are equally important, if not more important in relation to today.

I guess in some cases, I could have more 'carpe diem' in my life. But in so many ways, carpe diem is just one other way in which everything is brought together. Perhaps, not having as much carpe diem as I want makes life more exciting.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Gorgeous

Met up with My ex English Literature and ex History teacher today. Gorgeous, the both of them!!! Gooooorrrr-geous!!!! I will, unashamed and unabashed, proclaim that they are two fine speciments of the species known as man and that this is blatantly a sixth form college crush reawakened. Nick (English Lit.) still doesn't iron his shirts even though he still wears a rather smart jacket over and he's had his hair cut :( !!! I liked it longer cos then he would run his fingers through them frustratingly and look out of the window while explaining some literature theory or argument. He 'grumbled' that he'd put on some weight but I thought he looked just fine. A fine speciment, as I said before. Tanvi, who was with me, pointed out after that he had no wedding ring. Hahahahahahaha.... still not married. Sigh... although I did tell Lauren last night I could not see the point of getting married (for myself), I would quite happily play geisha to Nick or Greg. Oh dear, the extent of my fascination with intelligent, significantly older men is gushing through. Greg was as amicable as always - which isn't often! He still claims that he's 28 although he can't be a day below 40. At least he's consistently wrong; he claimed he was 26 when I was at college. Greg's like this big, chunky doggy who's ever so sarcastic and yet sometimes a glimmer of humanity shines through and then the moody wall I put up (because he didn't shower me with affection - I'm always the teacher's pet) melts away :) Maybe I'll befriend him and get free lodging if I go to Poland although having him around would be great too. Hmmmm... despite my adoration, I don't think I'm their 'type' so it's back to discovering what I will do in Mongolia.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

Yikes

Eeeesh, I have no time... no wait, I have 24 hours... but THAT's IT!!!!! But then, so does everyone else so I have no excuse. Other wandering thoughts:

I'm going to Spain the end of October to see Andalusian horses (and see Hazel and Helen)! The same kind all the Zorros rode.

I'll never know how much work a worker really works until I graduate. Somehow summer jobs don't seem to give a good measure of exactly how much.

I am incorrigible.

We (Sarah, Elena and I) are going to see Fame - say my name :) - when her loan gets through.

There's this really nice place called Cubana round Lower Marsh that I want to bring lots and lots of people to, only one at the time because then we get to sit in this cute area that looks like a crow's nest (as in the one on the pirate ship and not an actual crow's nest; that'll just be messy).

I felt very poor after writing a cheque out, emptying most of my bank account into tuition fees, this morning.

The lion I danced with is a very good dancer indeed (answering Elena's question) and he's sweet and kind and asks me how I'm doing and pats my head when I am down. I take offence when Mo (boss) asks how the 'teddy bear' is doing. Reggie is NOT a teddy bear! He's a lion.

Have been cycling for 2 weeks and nearly got run over twice at the Elephant and Castle roundabout by white modes of transport, supported myself on a vehicle, which then (surprise, surprise) moved and I fell over and got stopped by the police for not having lights on in the dark - I had them in my bag but thought they were at home. Juvenile delinquent.

Went to Wagamama's last night and although the food was as good as always, it's not the best place to have deep, meaningful conversations cos half the words get lost in the noise.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

Wrong again

I have been wrong more times than I've been right. Wrong first impressions times 1000, wrong assumptions times 50,000. Wrong calculations times...

This is the second week running that I've been busy back to back. Even CU last night was 'busy'; full of busy people with busy agendas and busy efficiency. Argh. All I want for Christmas is some chilled out time!

*A brief interjection from Sophie (who has the misfortune of working with Deborah at KCLSU)* I would like to state for the record that Deborah has finally cracked and is performing the tango with a stuffed lion. Please God, someone help me.... what the hell has she been smoking?? Love Sophie x

So, yesterday I found myself sitting next to Alex Hiendl(?), ex Law soceity president and I think he's a really nice, 'sweet' guy. Previously, I thought he was a stuck-up, arrogant fake - not the first president to fall under judgement either.