Wednesday, August 31, 2005

31 degrees celcius...

Announced over Heart 106.2 as the peak temperature today. In preparation, I have a strappy top prepared in case I need to change after work. A few of us will be heading to Greenwich Park for a picnic lunch to catch up and maybe catch a few rays as well.

Sunblock? Check.
Snacks? Check. One packet Walkers.
Sunglasses? Check.
Money for lunch? 150p.

I had a good night's sleep last night (no buzzing helicopters or maniac dogs) but still managed to get up LATE and had to rush into work carrying my breakfast with me. My boss thought that I had stayed up late partying the night before. Me, partying? Hahahahahaha.... I'm one of the most uniquely boring people around... in a very exciting way. See why it's unique? Am still having dreams which drain me of emotional energy although I thought I had settled certain issues in my mind (finally). It seems like I could be wrong. Grrrrrr.... if I had grizzly-like claws, I would dig them into my skull and (ooops!) end this miserably wonderful life. Miserably wonderful. Miserable because I belong somewhere else. Wonderful because for now, I belong here.


To an inheritance incorruptible, and undefiled, and that fadeth not away, reserved in heaven for you, who are kept by the power of God through faith unto salvation ready to be revealed in the last time. Wherein ye greatly rejoice, though now for a season, if need be, ye are in heaviness through manifold temptations: That the trial of your faith, being much more precious than of gold that perisheth, though it be tried with fire, might be found unto praise and honour and glory at the appearing of Jesus Christ: Whom having not seen, ye love; in whom, though now ye see him not, yet believing, ye rejoice with joy unspeakable and full of glory: Receiving the end of your faith, even the salvation of your souls.

You know what? On one hand I really, really want to get an eyebrow piercing. On the other, if I were to become a judge, I doubt the judiciary would look upon a punk administering justice favorably and then the how many quid I spent, not to mention stretching my threshold limit, would be wasted. But I really want an eyebrow piercing. Just because it would seem so out of character, although it isn't.

Watched a programme with Elena yesterday about extreme pets namely, crocodiles, alligators, giraffes, zebras, an ugly monkey and tigers. I hope I'll be able to touch a real tiger before this lifetime ends. Maybe hug it. Crazy suicidal-ridden person. I need chocolate. I need chocolate. Maybe I should read some more Bible til my innermost parts are drenched in it, soaked, water-clogged... Do I want to know anything else? Or anyone else? Who is there compared to our God? Who is like our God?

One more year in London... one more year in London...

Tuesday, August 30, 2005


Yes, the sun is getting to my head and I have nothing better to do so I will pen down a song I have written and have been singing as long as the day is sunny. It's called The Apple Tree Song :)

You who made the apple tree grow,
You who made the sunflowers glow,
You who put the clouds in the sky,
You who made the eagle to fly.

You who made the rain turn to snow,
You who started the rivers to flow,
You who ordered the stars to shine,
You who carved the oak and the pine.

Have I ever told you, you're fine?
Did I tell the world that you're mine?
Did I speak of the miraculous signs
Of my Saviour from King David's line?

Another gorgeous day

After the most restless night of sleep I've had in a very long time, I had to pull myself out of bed at 5.30am to get in to work. I went to bed before 11 but it took almost an hour for me to drift to sleep cos I was thinking of the day's events and future plans. Then, a lone helicopter woke me up at 2am and if I had the strength, I would have chucked my pig shaped piggy-bank (get it?) at it to knock it out of the sky. And then, because I was anxious for one reason or another, I kept on waking up every hour on the hour and screamed, "I JUST WANT TO GO TO SLEEP!!!!!" in my mind. Managed to get stuck in my duvet (don't ask me how) and the night shifted temperatures throughout so I couldn't find a position I was comfortable with :( To top it off, Chris Moose kept on falling, furry nose first, into my face. However, after my shift today, which ends in one hour and fifteen minutes time, I will be gracing Starbucks with my presence. I don't know what I'll be doing for the rest of the day but several phone calls are in order and if the weather holds up, I will go to the park on Wednesday to 'chill' under the sun with pallies. Am hungrrrrrrry.... cos I only had a few pieces of hazelnut shortbread for breakfast and half a glass of water. I think I live off the vibes from the radio more than my daily rationing. Am currently listening to DJ James Holt's remixes to pass the time and they're pretty good and no one's watching except the CCTV so I can dance how I like even if I look like a goofball.


Wowzers! It has been ages since I last updated my blog but I really have been having so much fun that I couldn't find the time to come in to the PAWS room to blog. Summer is FANTASTIC although I did see a girl wearing the same skirt I was wearing at the same time; H&M, 14.99. The sun has been out the last two days and apparently it will be out for a few more. Heaps of sorries to the folks across at New Orleans with Hurricane Katrina. Elena and I were thinking of names for subsequent hurricanes last night whilst watching Mission Impossible I (Mission Impossible II will be on tonight, ITV1). We managed to come up with names like Leroy, Leon, Luke (Elena's boyfriend's name), Lenny, Lionel, Leo, Lucifer... we chose guy names cos Elena said that the hurricanes were named by alternating gender so since 'K' was for Katrina (female), the next hurricane would be 'L' and a 'male' so to speak. Anyway, for the last week I have been busy going to farewells, organising farewells and meeting up with people I have not met in aeons and aeons.

Adam's farewell was on Tuesday and as I told Naomi, whose house it was at, "When you cook, I just sit and eat." Naomi produces the most yummy things from kitchens of any size, shape or form. I find it fitting therefore that I first met her in a kitchen at my first Houseparty. Hazel's party was on Saturday and I cooked and baked from Friday night, 8pm til Saturday evening just before guests arrived, with a sleeping duration of 6 hours in between. There was loads of food leftover, which in Chinese terms, is a great thing cos it means everyone is stuffed and therefore, supposedly happy. I read in a magazine today that there are several things that can make one happy; chocolate, beef, oily fish... I can't really remember anymore. I also made jelly for the party but it didn't set right and fell out onto the plate which made me think of Judas' intestines when he hanged himself then fell into the 'Field of Blood' and all his intestines spilled out. I can't stop thinking that today is a be-yew-ti-ful day! Glorious! Wonderful! Awesome.

Other things that have happened - Pizza Hut with Jude, saw Lauren's new house, cooked for Holty, watched a video of Dekkie. Dekkie shaved his beard (wail)!!!!!!!!! I feel like a mum whose precious baby had just been tatooed. I don't know where I got that phrase from. Must be from one of the books I have been reading. Am going on a frenzy of everything lately. Cooking frenzy, feeding frenzy (feeding other people that is), meeting up with people frenzy, reading frenzy... maybe it's because I'll be flying home 'soon' and I want everything to be 'full-on' in some way, leaving no stone unturned, having no regrets before I part with this super country. I have decided that I won't go into details of my time with other people on the blog because they are times to be cherished with the people I spent them with but I have to say this: Jenny Brine's birthday is this Sunday so if you know her, RING her and wish her Happy Birthday. And Pete Myers and his wife is back in London. Pete saw me in church yesterday and told me his wife was as tall as I was and I looked over to where she was standing and thought, "Not a chance." She's taller than I will ever be :)

I will be taking a few holidays to visit Europe this year and I'm thinking of Barcelona, Madrid, Seville, Wales, Scotland, Paris and Dublin at the moment. I truly believe that I will one day be stationed in Mongolia for one reason or another becasue I can't seem to get away from knowing people who live there or who have done mission work there, which is amazing. Wow. I am grinning from ear to ear because the sun is shining on me (literally) and I feel like God's face is shining down on me, filling me with His peace and joy to be the best I can be for Him.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

A thought... actually several

As I was flipping through the news today, I saw a tagline - The Beach Is The New Church. In a brief outline, as opposed to a thick, heavy one, the article said that more and more people are choosing to wed with the sand between their toes rather than Jimmy Choo-ed in a building of architechtural genius. I find it amazing that Jimmy Choo can now be used as a verb, noun and adjective. I wonder if my name will ever be synonymous with anything... Anyway, I mentioned to Hayley (new person I met working at the Union) that as God created the beaches as well, it didn't really matter where people got married cos God is present as much in the surf as He is in the pew (if one can imagine God sitting on a pew). As I analysed my own words - like I have nothing better to do - I realised that what I said was both true and untrue.

Getting hitched, knotted, united, married in church is a Western tradition but if the couple declaring their vows are not Christians, it doesn't even really matter at all if they got married (except for legal puposes such as the distribution of property or inheritance later on), and even less that they marry in church. I know this sounds like extremely crude, self-righteous bigotry but really, think about it, if the two people do not have faith in God, why the need to suddenly have a service in a building they'll probably never enter again except for 'Christening' (another ironic tradition in the West). Perhaps the silent confidence of the cathedrals or the reverance of the occasion held in a place of worship might be the seed needed to make one wonder and ponder at the faith behind the religion but to wonder and to ponder is not sufficient. It is said that a half truth, no matter how accurately halved, is a lie. However, this does not mean that God does not care or that the union means nothing to God because it does and He cares.

On the other hand, Christians should be able to marry anywhere without feeling that they are obliged to marry in a church or feeling guilty that they didn't afterwards. For when two or three are gathered in God's name, there He is in the midst of us. God rejoices in each and every one of His creation, Christian or non-Christian. He created passion that roams in every heart, He is sovereign over the situations in lives that bring two people together and He sits enthroned and watches the two become one. Nothing escapes our God and everything He has created is beautiful and to be applauded at, with the Heavenly hosts. It is only sin that marrs and condemns all but those who are saved. Even now after the fall, there is always something poignant and radiant about weddings that is hard to describe. Perhaps, in His grace, although it seems impossible, He lets us have a glimpse into what relationships were meant to be before the Fall.

So, it does matter where people get married because the fact is they are getting married and God cares but it also doesn't matter where, although the 'Church' is still a viable option and it would be fun to be able to ride into the sunset with the sound of waves chasing thunderous hooves. Maybe a Grey or a Black... Bay? Dun? Chestnut? Gold? White? Dappled? Pinto?

Should be, would be, could be...

So, I'm meant to be studying but I'm not. Do you notice how the word studying is like stud-dying? Yeah, all the studs around the world are dying, taking chilvary and manners with them, not that they really had them anyway, with the exception of a few. Reading Bridget Jones Diary 2 is not helping in developing a wholesome attitude towards guys or should I start calling them men. Because really, it's only the men I have 'problems' with and not guys in general. Sigh.... Anyway, that's what I read instead of my law books and to top it off, I watched Ready Steady Cook, instead of watching my waistline. However, I made my first ever batch of Bombay potatoes served with Teriyaki Salmon so am very proud of myself at the moment. Will gradually become culinary goddess and might even take to wearing an apron to prevent flour from flying and believe me, flour can be quite vengeful when it flies.

Therefore: I should be studying. I could be a kitchen goddess some time in the next 50 years and I am a would be lawyer in the making.

The 4 television programmes I do not like to miss; Ready Steady Cook, Neighbours, Home and Away, Saturday Kitchen. Yup, my life hovers waveringly around soap operas and the kitchen.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

Getting to grips

AHHHHHH.... i know it's been days and I've been awful at upgrading everyone. Upgrading??!!?? Updating. Am at a cyber cafe, down to my last 80p so can't update much. Have bought a new plant for the house, we have a new postcard wall, I made pancakes for Sean last night, am trying to study but no luck, will start work 30th August, received 2 outdated Mars bars and 2 packets of chilli Walkers from Francois, it's hot here but not as hot as Malaysia, am hosting a farewell for Hazel so if you know her and want to come, email me or give me a call for details, will be going to Adam's farewell this Tuesday, the house next to mine is undergoing construction and wakes me up at 7.30am - killer, I've just read the last chapter of CS Lewis' Four Loves, have not seen Benson or Bentley or Oscar so no white fur all over me, not that I'm wearing black so it's not too bad, argh, what else? I'll update again in a few days time. Ta!

P/s Have been living on chicken flavoured instant noodles, chocolate, jerky and honeydew since I came back.

P/s 2 Got chatted up by a worker at Tesco and I gave him my number to have coffee sometime even though I don't drink coffee. What have I gotten myself into???

Monday, August 15, 2005

Back in London

After 5 days in bed (and mulling around the house getting reacquainted with Britsh television), I decided that today was the day I would venture into central London. I couldn't stop smiling as I walked down familiar paths, smelt familiar coffee smells and saw the usual tourists with their Nikons and Cannons going clickety-click. Helped a lady find her way to Riverside Plaza (or was it Riverbank?) and felt all smug inside (like I was a proper Londoner hahaha). Ironically I have come back to London with the intention of going back home to Malaysia after my third and final year here. Although I have always, in the back of my mind, thought that the possibility of going back was high, the realisation that I really was going back seemed to hit a little harder than I expected. Even more so when I have returned to a slight change of scene; some friends are no longer in London, some will leave and some will stay but situations will inevitably change. Mayhap I am too philosophical or too thick too want to change but I am trying to embrace it, cringeworthy as it may be. Anyway, to answer a few questions,

Yes, Leo I brought my skirt with me together with a host of different tops and dresses - do you really want me to go into detail? :)

Cryst, I didn't get stuck in the strike although I heard from my dad that the haze in Kuching prevented a few planes from taking off the day after I departed.

Grudgingly, I have become somewhat domesticised during my stint back home, thus resulting in several people bestowing upon me the title 'homely.' Isn't it simply wonderful when people assume such a sense of close-knitted communityhood that they take it upon themselves to issue out little tokens of their mind, which I really want to accept. No, really I do. In fact, I couldn't wait to receive their well-intentioned thoughts of goodness that I could chance upon an excuse to express heartfelt renditions to my beknown benefactors, so benovalent and good and kind. URGH!!!!!!!

Anyway, homely means,
1. Not attractive or good-looking: a homely child.
2. Lacking elegance or refinement: homely furniture.
3. Of a simple or unpretentious nature; plain: homely truths.
4. Characteristic of the home or of home life: homely skills.

For crying out loud people! Rub it in will you??!!?? Do these good folk even know what homely means? Gee, you know if you really did know what it meant and used it as a barb during a truly heated quarrell, I would accept it as a poorly thought of strategy but homely, mind you, is NOT a compliment. Do I really need to prove that I am not homely? Or maybe I should just fulfil everyone's impression of me and become a nun. No more chocolate cheesecake for anyone who thinks my place is the good housewife, with the ignorant "I'm so happy to see you" Father Dougal look plastered over my face and a touch of flour on the tip of my nose, a consequence of baking for all ye wretches. Forget cooking, forget babies and forget holding my tongue. Maybe I should be a shrew. Dare anyone call me homely again! URGH!!! Hateful, hateful, hateful. The next time someone calls me homely, I'll let them have a piece of my mind, friend or foe, and I won't give a thought for whether they're in the generation above. By the way, Francois has just given me a Mars bar!!!!!!

Term starts end of September so for London peeps or people thereabouts, I really do want to meet up with you especially if you'll be leaving London soon but if we can't, rest assured we'll meet up in Heaven :) I'm a third year!!!!!! Can you believe it? I can't. But it's true!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005


That's where I am at the moment, geographically, spiritually and emotionally. Woo hoo! It looks like I might actually be growing 'up' afterall. Like I said in the tag box, sat next to a really nice guy who was fuzzy all over and he somehow reminded me of a 'comfort blanket' only in the form of a person and twice my size. I left my black and white 'Revolutionary looking' (according to Phil Blue) striped cap back in Kuching :( and I only realised this when I arrived KL. Likewise, I left my straw cowboy hat in London before coming here but now I'm heading back to my straw hat and my Chewbacca :)

Said my goodbyes last night. Urrrr... I really dislike goodbyes. I get all tense and stiff and just wave and get all awkward cos I don't want to cry. My brother insisted I hug him twice last night and he kept on saying goodbye and that we were going for a goodbye dinner and etc. I was all abrupt and businesslike and focussed on all the trivia you can imagine. Have you checked your homework? Have you bathed? Have you this? Have you that? Go to sleep. You have to wake up early for school tomorrow. Remember to refill the water for the dogs. I also gave him my wheelly shoes but he's sure to outgrow them soon so they'll be back on my feet in about a year - if I haven't gone all stiff and 'old' yet. By the way, I checked in my luggage and it was only 29.9kg! 100 grams under the maximum weight. I'm getting good at this. It does help, if your luggage is over the limit, to look lost, vulnerable and innocent. Innocent, mind you, not ignorant. Make your eyes go as big as they can ala Puss in Boots in Shrek 2 fashion. It usually works to convince the stewards that these are absolutely your only possessions in the world. Oh ya, being under 5 feet helps as well. I don't think that sort of behaviour would go well with a 6 foot, chunky jock unless the stewardess thinks you're cute.

Ah yes, another 12 hour flight amd I should be right back in London. I do hope the house is clean...

Monday, August 08, 2005

Free cell

Have just played 5 sets of free cell back to back in a desperate attempt to boost brain power before I fly back to London. The weather here has gone so far past 30 celcius, anything in the 20s seems almost cool by comparison. I'm sure a large portion of my brain cells have been cooked well done and I'm sticky, grumpy and have a headache in this humid heat. In fact, it's so hot here, if I happen to see a mirage, it's just the layers of steam (something like that - consult your own physics book) paving the way to the nearest ice lollies and not my mind going marbles; seeing ice lollies rise from the ground. I have more or less finished my shopping - bought lots and lots of different jerkies - pork, lamb, duck... - for Sarah today to try and unlike some jerks, these jerkies are nice. Get the pun?

Coming home has been very fun - much more than expected - and although the sight of my friends' babies seemed all too surreal and too much to take in at first, now I think they (the babies) are all sweet and cute and smell nice. I haven't stopped my bad habit of sniffing people but I have to say that in this country, most people smell like sweat :( and not Armani, Lynx Africa (James), Davidoff, Hugo Boss Blue or Gucci. Babies here smell like nutmeg and baby oil. It has been good to catch up with old friends and meet new ones and see what I can do and contribute if I choose to live here. To me, the only drawback of living in Kuching is the weather. I've always liked the cold... maybe I was a penguin in a previous life. Still thinking about it but like I said earlier, a lot of my brain cells have been fried so in the process of retrieving them from my backup files, I can't seem to process new ones. Proof that some women can't multitask. When I need to guide the car through a tight space, I turn off the radio so I can concentrate. Or maybe it's just another generic habit cos my parents both do the same thing.

Have just made another lot of brownies for my brother; have made more than 7 lots in a month and a bit and am now making lots and lots so he can chew on them long after I'm gone. Can't think anymore... ARRRRGGHHH!!!!!! I look forward to seeing my London buds again.

Saturday, August 06, 2005

5 days

5 days to go and I'll be 'home.' Bought my cake mixer today and am really looking forward to stuffing everyone's faces with brownies and blondies and fudge and hazelnut squares when I get back. Am going to keep my fridge loaded with apple pie and I hope my herbs have not died on me. Yeah, yeah, domesticised. Terrific. The metamorphosis of a female. Really? Two professors on TV today were trying to explain the lack of married women available in society today and the age difference between women who got married 20 years ago to the women of today. The male professor said that women were too choosy and the female professor said that men couldn't deal with a more powerful wife and as most powerful men were married, the woman with high social standing found it harder to find a husband who wouldn't be jealous. See how the female professor used about double the words the guy used? Thank goodness most influential judges are men. Think of the pages and pages (more) of law we would have to read if they were women... The law is already pages and pages long. If there were more women judges than men, the obiter dicter would run for miles and wouldn't draw a conclusion.

The woman of today. Women's libs. make the phrase sound so empowering but in reality, it does not empower. It does not give women more respect. It does not help society grow, if anything society is as backwards as before the so called civilised world was established. We're civilised? Really? The amount of rubbish behind that word makes me tired. As long as women try to fill shoes which do not need to be filled ie the mens', this world is going to stay a sorry, sorry place. Sigh...logic dictates that women have smaller feet than men. There's no way women are able to fill guy sized shoes. Okay, maybe some women have large feet and some men have small feet but most men have large feet and most women have smaller feet so there's bound to be some discomfort in wearing guys shoes and if two women try to put their feet into the same pair of shoes to prove that they can fill them, they only end up stepping on one another's toes and get all catty and doggy about it. I'm not saying women are rubbish even though I'm less of a narcisuss than some. They do amazing things - like childbirth. Whoosh and out comes life. Okay, so it doesn't come out whoosh or ke-bang or blurp... blurp... blurp, more ARGH and AAAAH and it's-all-your-fault(!) but I think it's pretty cool. Some might say that as a result of the women's lib, women today hold high and mighty positions in society and in politics and do a great job in them and hold countries together and get to wear lipstick and etc. Fine, fine, fine. All fine. Nothing wrong with it except when lipstick gets on your teeth. Then you start to wonder who the idiot was who created red lipstick. Just don't change your gender for the sake of politics. Don't act like the men. Men go to war, women go to conference. A bit unfair on the men? Maybe, but which guy wouldn't want to dress up in combat trousers with smeared shoe polish on his face and a hoard of weapons under his belt, not forgetting the 'wonderful' personal hygiene rules?

On the other hand, we don't have to walk around barefoot with a bun in the oven to prove our womanhood. Womanhood. One of those weird terms used like manhood and Robin Hood. Manhood means a whole lot of things I wouldn't go into and Robin Hood, well, he robbed the rich and gave to the poor resulting in the current tax system where the middle classes, think that the tax sytem is like Robin Hood. By raising taxes we make the rich share in the cost for the country's needs - they have more so they put more back into the governement budget - but they don't, they just put it into corporations and so legally avoid high tax rates but us middle income people have no corporations to run to and so we, the village people who supported Robin Hood, end up paying for our own taxes and paying more taxes too cos the rich put the money which could have gone into tax into their own pockets, while Robin Hood goes on to marry Maid Marian, probably gets knighted, has his castles and lands restored to him and everyone is happy? See what I mean by weird? So why is womanhood weird? What is womanhood? When is womanhood? Is it when puberty begins or when puberty ends? Or at 18? 21 or 22? Or when she starts having children? Or maybe before menopause... you know how people say life begins at 40! What about those kids who are wise beyond their years? I'm halfway to 40. Am I half a woman? Hahahahahaha... yeah... I'd rather be a mermaid. Somehow, given the stereotype placed upon womanhood, I doubt I'll ever 'attain' it. I'll probably miss it altogether; from tomboy to confused person in a skirt and then wispy grey-haired, flighty old thing in a colourful gypsy skirt and clashing top, dancing on the beach with an Ipod or similar on full volume (because by then my hearing would have diminished), while the smell of sweet brownies (Sarah's mum's recipe no doubt) fills the air. Throw in a couple of dogs and ponies and I'll be quite, quite happy. Maybe I should start looking for beach front property. As it stands, I'm living in a house overlooking a supermarket and a patch of green where buffaloes could potentially roam :) Oh give me a home, where the buffaloes roam, where the deer and antelope play...

Anyway, enough daydreaming and analysing. If anyone reading this feels up for it after my weird blog today and the days and months before, I'm looking for a date for the Law Ball. I don't know when it is or what I'm going to wear so you wouldn't know how to match until the last minute and you wouldn't know when the last minute is and I would like you to buy your own ticket unless you own a few horses I could ride for free. If you do, I'll be MORE than happy to buy the ticket and treat you ice cream at Haagen Dazs too or to a giant pancake at My Old Dutch or the ramen at Wagamamas. If I know you, then you will know enough about me to be a decent date. If I don't know you, there's a quiz somewhere further down (a few days back) which should tell you enough so either way, there's nothing to worry about. A Debibo guaranteed warantee card will be possible on demand if you're the one footing the bill. If I'm footing it, you have at least one horse so I'll be super nice to you. Mmmmm... maybe I'll have more luck putting a classified in Kings Bench or ROAR. The worst that could happen is if the guy turned out to be a jerk and his horse died on the night of the ball so I wouldn't be able ride it after and I would have parted with the 50 pounds (or was it 70?) for the ticket. Maybe I should insist on a guy with at least 2 horses. That way there'll be a spare.

Monday, August 01, 2005


What's the point in blogging, I sometimes wonder, when I can't say the things I want to say and some people who read this assume that I prize political correctness within the region of divinity and the divine. Sigh...

On Friday, some bastard ran towards me and pretended to shove a *@!&#^#!*&^@* snake into my face. After a scream loud and violent enough to kill off both the boy and the fiend I wish God never ever created (I have a lot to say about how I wish, on this point, that God created the world a different way but whatever. From what I've read, God spared two places from these things which deserve to burn in Hell - fine, we all do - New Zealand and Antartica.), I started crying and couldn't stop shaking from fear and anger. By this time, adrenaline and the 'flight theory' (instead of fight), had carried me across three roads before I realised that I was three roads away. My scream had attracted a small number of people and I suddenly realised that I could have been knocked down by any one of the passing cars and motorbikes. Sometimes I wish I had. I would rather have sustained a broken arm or leg than the psychological rape I had to and still have to go through. I hate that boy. I hate him so much I envisioned me walking up to him again and stabbing him or shooting him. I look at every male youth on the street now and wonder if they all have a snake hidden in their pockets or backpacks somewhere. I hate what he has done to me. I have to go out and continue life but my eyes are ever watchful, my feet are ready to flee and my heart is stuck in my throat. I have had nightmares of them in every dream since and they are everywhere in my dreams; under cars, in front of my gate, everwhere. I dream that I shoot my friends who scare me for a joke, that I break of friendships and live alone in an impenetrable fortress. I hate them, I wish they had never been created and I don't care that Isaiah mentions we will one day be able to play with them. It does not give me comfort, it does not give me peace and if anything, in my faithlessness, I sometimes wonder if I really want to go to such a place. But the alternative is not an option.

The only reason I have even begun to start blogging is the practical, no nonsense, almost rude and unkind yet the best thing to get me out of my highly strung state advice from Jo. A Godsend really. It doesn't mean I have reconciled my fear to life. It doesn't mean that I don't want to slowly stuff the life out of anyone who would cruelly hurt me this way. It does mean that I no longer hate life and living and freewill intensely, although I think freewill is the worst thing that ever happened. I am still angry with life but anger has always been a big sin in my life. I am sometimes worried I might do the things I do in my dreams when I get angry. In fact, sometimes I wake up exhausted because I have been screaming and shouting at people in my dreams. Maybe it's a good thing I'm so small so I cannot do any real physical damage to anyone. I have become somewhat domesticated in my 2 months back home but I feel it is all an act. An act of my consciousness trying to subdue my sub consciousness. Jo would say I think too much but I am sometimes afraid... of myself. Not that I think I'm super wonderful and am so talented you wouldn't believe it, but that although being a Christian has had an impact on the way I was brought up to behave and to distinguish between right and wrong, in reality, Christians share the same sinful nature, the same sinful desires, the same innate sinfulness of those who are not. I love but I am cruel. Loving is a want, a necessity that comes from being created in the image of God. Being cruel is the result of a fallen world and although I want to love and often I do, I am cruel. My first thoughts are cruel. Only with the influence and guidance of The Holy Spirit can I even think of being kind.

Mark 7:20-23
[Jesus] went on: "What comes out of a man is what makes him 'unclean.' For from within, out of men's hearts, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, greed, malice, deceit, lewdness, envy, slander, arrogance and folly. All these evils come from inside and make a man 'unclean.' "