Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Stomping around

Whether because I woke up too early (by my unusual standards), had a subconscious run-in against a brick wall or am in weird response mode to bizzare dreams I have had of late, I do not know. But one thing I know, I am in a terrific mood right now. A terrific moody mood, that's what. A terrific, moody, brooding, too-deep-for-me-to-handle mood. Was supposed to go for after exam drinks but left, partly in fear of lashing out at the complete stranger sitting next to me who had a coffin nail in his mouth - just one more thing to drive my momentum - and secondly because I didn't want to spoil the happy relaxed mood of the little company sitting in The Greycoat Boy. So, with music from the radio blasting through my walkman, in attempt to drown out unhelpful yet profound thoughts and ideas, I went for a long walk round Victoria until I ended up here, in the FWB of Waterloo. Will soon find myself walking around London today - hopefully it'll rain so I can cool down and fizz out in the drizzle. Will probably catch a cold, get sick and have a Rudolph red nose for a month but anything is better than welling up with helium, at the risk of bursting, hurting someone or saying things I wouldn't otherwise say under normal osmotic conditions.

On one hand, times like these make me wonder why I don't tell anyone ongoing issues I'm dealing with in my head to live this life. I tell them eventually as examples of 'how it was before' to be used in my sharing but at that particular time in history, when I'm trying to deal with the situation, it's as if a cork is forced in and although part of me is at bursting point to furiously scream out (which is undoubtedly not very helpful to others), the other part bottles everything in. One thing I've noticed is that as life goes on and the cork gets stronger and more resiliant, the bubbly increases its tension and pressure. Everything increases and something is bound to hit the roof. Who knows? One day I might run into a field and burst open - morbid what-did-Judas-do thoughts trailing - but for now I've sort of got it under control. On the other hand however, I tell myself that if I went through it before, I can go through it again and although I feel a certain way now, it will come to pass and I will remember it as a lesson learnt and an experience that will probably shape me for the future. If I choose to let some hang (as opposed to letting all hang, which is quite unsightly), who knows how many cracks or chinks need be formed before the armour collapses. Armour is useless if it doesn't protect and if it should protect, then why undermine it? But as Tom and I discussed this morning, human logic is far from perfect or substantial in figuring out (or trying to figure out) God's plan. Well, at the end of each day, I tell myself that Jesus died for me and that no problem or matter can weigh too much or too heavily or be more of a burden than Jesus can bear. God is in His heaven and all's right with the world. It amazes me how I think and analyse and ponder and chew over incidences. Shows how being Christian doesn't mean not going through difficulties. In fact, more difficulties arise because we've got Jesus' standard to follow and abide by.

Bought Charles Dickens' David Copperfield (about 6 pieces of bread thick) for a pound fifty yesterday. Bargain. Also bought Frankenstein and The Smoke Jumper (by Nicholas Evans), which I added to my collection and shall read in due time. Am going to this shop in Waterloo that sells fairly priced classics and will get me about 3 or 4, depending on my mood. Tom's gonna lend me Dracula until I can get one of my own. In terms of reading, I have accumulated quite a few books over a short period of time and will have to start reading them else their use will be wasted. One way I usually escape reality - some people call it cowardice; escaping rather than facing up to it - is through a hunger for imagination and fantasy that I am sated with by reading and lone ramblings in whatever bit of grassy slope or muddy field or stretch of land I can find. My vivid imagination, cultivated over time has become I would say, both my strength and my weakness. There is too much of a good thing. I now look at books with yearning and yet wonder what they can do to me as I devour page after page.

I have to say, I have been lagging in my daily Bible reading, which I am not proud of. Sometimes we wonder at people who claim to be waiting for God to speak to them when in fact, it is God who is waiting for us to listen to Him, to commune with us, through His word. God has been patient. I have been an unruly colt (or filly, if we're gonna be gender specific) refusing to be saddled. God had clothed me in righteousness, fed me His living word and protected me with His grace and I respond by lashing out and hurting myself.

There're too many thoughts clamouring for attention; some fickle and selfish, some deep, yet equally selfish and yet others. The Bible says that we store up treasure where our heart is and even though countless times I fall short and don't always turn to God for the answers because I'm too ashamed, I know that He has saved me and that He has called me and will use me to do His perfect and pleasing will and as the master's workmanship, I can only do what He has graciously allowed me to do and I will only complete the race He has marked out for me.

1 Corinthians 13:12
Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

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