Tuesday, June 29, 2004

Week of Holt

Holt: Hey Debs, like my new book? I'm just trying to think of a title: "No peace and no quiet makes Holty 'something something'"...
Debs: Go crazy?
Debs: [>whack< baseball bat to the Ging]


As posted by Holty of the Holtian Estate, Dover.

Friday, June 25, 2004

Last day at Stamford Street

Saw Joanna off at Waterloo - no folks, no teary goodbyes, just sensible "I'll see you next week or so" statements. Cooked lunch for Joanna and Seneka one last time (at SSA) and we managed to finish off 11 burgers, half a packet of pasta and Carbonara. Just banged my last load of laundry into the washing machine and am gonna spend the rest of the day clearing up last minute stuff, reading, a trip to the post office, cleaning my room and popping round Godiva in Covent Garden. Might also go see Vic, my animal pictures supplier, to see if any new stock has come through.

I have been reading so much this week, I wonder if I should just take a rest and let the new-found knowledge settle. After all, I don't want to become spiritually saturated and stagnant. Else, it might do me more harm than good. You think?

Giblet aka Hannah just walked in... there she goes, walking down the street... invited her round to Oval after her exams for coffee. Now all I have to do is learn how to make coffee. I doubt I'll be able to bluff my way in making coffee. I mean, the theories and all are fine and can be memorised to avoid utter humiliation but when it cracks down to the actual making of the bean-derived drink, that's when the real coffee makers and the fakers are separated. Funnily enough, tea is the only drink that keeps my system running til crazy hours of early morning. Even coffee doesn't have that same glazy-wide-eyed effect.

I need to go collect my laundry now and dump it in the dryer, during which, I will continue to persevere clearing my room from overgrown shrubs and bushes.

Frappucino - frozen cappucino

Any word for a frozen Debbie? Freebie? Freebo? I have half an hour to write all today, after which the security guard from the law faculty will shoo me out. Ran in the rain today in my new, clashing shoes of black, neon green and neon blue - fashion conscious people are bound to cringe. They're made of shell-suit material, which I find really cool; like bedroom slippers without the fur. Jo and I made our way to Oval once again with more luggage, during which, Naomi rang to say that God just got me a chauffeur for Saturday to pack off the rest of my stuff. Coolness. The bank manager rang me today to enquire after my satisfaction with Natwest after I wrote 'cool' accompanied by a smiley face in the 'suggestions' box, after ticking extremely satisfied - I'm easy to please :) Spent an hour in Waterstones on the fifth floor. Could stay there the whole day just pouring over Arnold and Wordsworth and Yeats and Keats and Thomas... poetry is so exciting to read; a lot like the Psalms. Bought a copy of Matthew Arnold to add to my reading list and laughed over 'How to Bluff Your way(s)...' on comfy sofas, which nearly made me fall asleep. So sleeepy.

Godiva versus Thorntons? Hey, they're both chocolatiers so no dissing either but today I went into Godiva and for 120 pounds, I'll be able to get a wooden Godiva musical box with two rows of hand-picked chocolates! or for 128 pounds, I'll be able to get 2kg worth of Godiva... and they've got this new chocolate coated strawberry thingy going on during summer. It only lasts for 48 hours though cos after that time, the natural juices from the strawberries ruin the chocolate so I didn't get those just yet - strawberries make my lips swell and turn puffyish anyway.

I'm still looking for a summer job, need to spend less, chill more, worry less, trust more, hyper less, serious more.. or not too serious, no? Just need to get away from things for a bit - retreating physically to refresh myself emotionally and spiritually to have enough 'back up' for the next year. Am definitely looking forward to renewal, if not some explosive revival because there is no feeling more fulfilling than it in the world. Read more, TV less (unless it's some programme on animals, Beauty and the Beast or something similar, University Challenge, Jurrasic Park...), dream more, panic less, enjoy more, wanting less.

Wednesday, June 23, 2004

Back to rain

London has started her rainy adventure of brollies and soaked-through boots again. At least this time round, the brollies have evolved into a myriad of colours instead of the same, old black. what do you mean the same old??!!?? Charcoal black, grey black, raven black, midnight black... After an arguable heat-wave, the light drizzle does seem to refresh things a bit. Perhaps it's good even though the British seem to hate their weather - people should stay at home more, bake cookies, read books, hang out with family - to think I prize England because of the weather.

Am off to Tesco and Lewisham now to get me some film and good, walking shoes. After which, my last 1-2-1 for the year with Jude shall commence during which, we shall indulge in one more kebab together. Went to Godiva and Thortons just now. The price difference is incredible. Are Godiva chocolates really that different from Thortons? cocoa and butter, that's what it is essentially. Fifty big ones for cocoa and butter. And they help ease you into putting on weight as well. People just have too much time on their hands. And the Godiva staff wouldn't even give me a Godiva poster!

Found a 2004 calender dedicated to Bull Terriers so I bought it. 2004 is not up yet and it'll definitely contribute to my animal wallpaper. might go back to the same shop to pick up the other 2 calenders - Collies and German Shepherds. The nice thing about having a smaller room is that it is possible to wallpaper from ceiling to floor, in my own style. Unfortunately, it's not big enough to hold a nice, round, ancient cauldron, preferably one previously used by the mystical Druids.

Watched the England vs Croatia match and it was fun! Croatian players are sooo tall. joanna and I were pretending to know what we were talking about when we said that the Croatian defence was not tight enough, allowing Wayne Rooney to score his 4th goal in 3 matches. it was interesting nevertheless, to note that the only time we see grown men fall like toddlers in the sandpit is when they're playing football. Knee scraps, pushovers, rolling over.

Monday, June 21, 2004


At the moment, I am reading the Bible, Knowing God, The Pleasures of God, purpose Driven Life and the Lord of the Rings Trilogy simultaneously. It's so fun to just snuggle with a book while munching at a carrot/ golden pear/ cheese dippers/ chocolate... Not a care in the world; just me and my books. After watching Beauty and the Beast (again) at Tara's, I thknk the Beast and I have quite a bit in common - we're both unrefined, we slobber our food, we lose our tempers and we like to be left alone. Besides, we both don't like Gaston very much. I would love his book collection - might never come out of the library, his palace is eerily fulfilling - enchanted candlesticks, always a plus and he's got a dog.

My head is too packed with hoodily-hoos to try think of something sensible and logical and encouraging to say to people who actually read all this stuff. Might go to Wagamama's tonight with Jo, dinner on Wednesday with Jude and tidying up in between. I need to give Alex a call to finalise signing documents bla bla bla and Jamie, Joe, Tom and Sean are gonna be moving in 3 DOORS DOWN!!!! Life can only get better after I die and go to Heaven (but I won't underestimate God). Second year is gonna be so much more of a blast than first year. Have to constantly remind myself about priorities though. With all the excitement, I don't want things to go out of hand. I was thinking last night how I should grade my priorities. And I came up with;

1. God's glory
2. God's church
3. Evangelism
4. Me

I know everything is greyish and that God's glory would encompass the 'me' aspect as well but roughly, I think that's the way forward. With God's church before evangelism, I might focus more on establishing lasting relationships as one part of a body rather than letting all my Christian relationships go down the drain because I want to evangelise 'this' way and not 'that' way, for example. Also, I put myself after evangelism because I will always be weak and sinful (until Heaven) and so in putting evangelism before my personal life and wants, I will be able to serve without my personal problems hindering any possible fruit borne of the Spirit of God working in evangelism - it has to be said, nothing is really that clear cut although I would like it to be so. When I make God's glory my focus, everything else doesn't seem to matter. God's glory. Read in Knowing God (Packer) that God is a jealous God. It's such a wonderful feeling; the God of all creation is jealous for my sanctity in Christ. It's not really about moral standards anymore. It's about God's standards. Personally, besides a host of other 'sins', rage and jealousy are two that I would name quite early on. I know that my jealousy is not exactly the same as God's - doh - but in a tiny way, it is similar, since we were created in His image. I'm just processing thoughts; if my jealousy for a person's Godliness mirrored God's jealousy for my purity (even though in a tiny, tiny way), wow. How does God do it? Sovereign Lord indeed.

Sunday, June 20, 2004

Making do

People are leaving Stamford Street today. Sarah, Joanna, Ele... oh well. Am trying to find that fine line between letting people into my life and gushing my soul to everyone. I think I might have to handle my extreme nature first. Waiting for Sarah's dad to come round so that maybe he can help me carry some heavy stuff over to Oval. Was thinking (as I do), that all that time spent waiting can be used to talk to God, read the Bible, think. Then, we would not really be 'waiting' would we? Cos we'll be doing something and so life goes on without us waiting cos we use time productively - accumulating riches in Heaven as well as doing what is pleasing on earth. There's quite a bit going on in my head at the moment but I can't tell you yet becasue I need to sit on it first but it has something to do about sheep and goats.

Quiz day...


?? Which Of The Greek Gods Are You ??
brought to you by Quizilla

GAME BOY - Born to Play
A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven

Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,

Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.

What kind of girl are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Friday, June 18, 2004

Pain in the brain box

I thought I'd wake up early today to do some much needed reading. I planned to, set the pages out and books out etc. Was struck by migraine at 5am. I hit my head against the headboard to stop bolts of lightning from reaching my spine, clamped my head really tightly between my palms and gritted my teeth; it's all about pressure of the blood vessels, rubbed eucalyptus oil in until I could have passed for a grouchy koala and prayed hard. After 5 more hours of restless sleep, 500mg of some yellow pill thing, mumbled prayers and dreaming of a Tyrannasaurus and a Triceretops trying to catch me in the Strand, I'm feeling slightly better - the acute strikes of nerve shattering pain is gone and only a dull ache remains.

Took a nice long shower. Washed my hair :) Washing my hair always makes me feel better and the shower gel reminds me that I'm not a koala. Went to Priss' flat to unload all the bits and bobs that her flat's left behind. Taking daily bread to a new level - I've got enough pasta, herbs and strange, grainy stuff to last for ages. A whole boxful of stuff and this aint even counting my own kitchen in. Also took a popcorn machine, foil, onions, sandwich bags, Dolmino and a huge bottle of Kikoman soy sauce. I'm just thinking how God provides in the least expected ways.

Last BBQ at HWW tonight. Sarah, Elena and I are renaming HWW, EDS. I was thinking... even though it does represent our respective names, it also represents what we would like our home to be used for - Evangelism, Dinner, Service. It is purely coincidental that my initial ended up with dinner although I do like my food.

Tweedum and Tweedledee sat in a pumpkin tree

I learned to dive today. First time ever. Had to go to the 3.1 meter end of the pool too. Would rather have hit my head on the concrete at the 1.1 meter end at that point in time. Was shakin like a leaf. Felt like a penguin learning how to fly. Joe taught me well though. Patience is a virtue. He's got lots. Felt absolutely constricted but finally did a 'good' dive after a round and a half. I think I was really kicking Joe when he tried to rescue me from sinking. Ouch. Was in such a state of panic but at least now there's one person I can trust in the water (besides God).

Played Cranium at Liz's hen party last night. The first hen-party I've ever been to and my first round of Cranium and my first time at Lucy's. Lots of firsts this week. The one thing I remember most about Cranium was the 'star performer' criteria I had to complete - charades - The Full Monty. Have never watched it and don't know what it's about but I remembered watching a trailer of 6 men stripping and in a state of cluelessness, I decided to sacrifice my dignity so that my team would win. The few nano seconds that followed included thoughts of 'How far should I go?' and 'What should I start with?' racing through my head. That round was a tie but Liz's team won in the end. Sarah's gonna have Cranium at our new place and some guys might be living a few doors down so I see nights of Cranium and charades ahead.

My interview yesterday for editorship was 'weird' as well. Was there 2 hours in advance cos I though bus links to Hammersmith were not great but it only took 45 minutes and I had to spend 2 hours trying to finish a bowl of pasta. The lady I called had given me the wrong address - 174 Hammersmith Road was my supposed destination. She quoted 175, which happenes to be the Nazereth House nursing home. I found out after trying to convince reception that I was there for an editorial job. No need to say what trouble I got into with little old ladies. I should take up knitting. Who knows when it might come in handy.

Am wearing sunblock SPF 60!!!!! There. How much more protection can one get? Better not get burnt. Went to Wagamama's with Daryl. Another two firsts - lunch with Daryl and Wagamama's respectively. Huge bowl of noodles for each of us and dessert to follow. I think we should all go one day and if you're not a Londoner, remind me when you do come round this side of the world. We were wondering where the waitress who served us (who was very nice) came from. Guessed everything from Portugal to Estonia. Dismissed Spain because she wasn't that dark. She came from... Mexico and was half Spanish.

Also ran to Carly's aid to help out at RML workers just now. Yet another first. I should write a whole list out. This week's the week my 'firsts' collectively come together. Priss and I got there in time to hand out new potatoes, chicken, salad, rice and cous cous.

Enough rambling.

I'm starting to see - slowly but surely - why church is such an integral part in the life of a Christian. Am still in need of 'gentle' wrenching apart from my individualistic mode and I can't say I like it a lot - am reminding myself that the Body of Christ actually encompasses one of my purposes in life in which I glorify God - but hey, Isaac married Rebekkah first and then loved her so I'll start to lay off the solitaire first and maybe something will *kaboom* out of my deep waters. Also read that the church is meant to support us when we feel down, so that even when we feel 'dry' and feel like our prayers are bouncing off walls and ceilings and can't even squeeze past cracks (like Flubber can)...I was going to show you guys what Flubber looks like but then got distracted by animated horses, zebras, dogs and cheetahs...

Back to my point; when we feel rotten, that's what. Or worse than rotten, when we feel nothing and God seems distant, I guess I can see how going to church and fellowshipping openly can help. Spiritual accountability. Read that when God seems distant, He's just testing us to see if we really want Him as much as we say we do during good times. He's near, just quiet. I think testing strengthens us in our faith because it is during hard times that our faith is tested on our grounding in God's truth rather than in our feelings and emotions. He is carrying me vs I feel Him carrying me. We all have our dry moments. Hey, even Job did. Lots in Job about dry moments which we all can associate with, understand, learn from. It's what we do with/ during our suffering that counts. Can't say I've been good at it. When I feel spiritually dehydrated I write poems and on how I feel and spend my days dreaming dreams (in the dark - curtains shut tightly); in short, getting lost in my own thoughts and getting more and more detached from the 'outside world'. Have got a whole drawer stuffed with melancholic verses. Sometimes I should just be quiet and revel in the truth and character of my God, if not in the feel of the moment. Amazing really, if we think about it long enough. Not everyone can call the one, true, living God of eternity, my God. The Lord is my shepherd.

Another thought, when we feel dry, it is usually because we feel God is far away and in all honesty, He might very well be. But can you possibly imagine what it would be like if God were distant or detached forever? If God were absent from my life, if I never got to feel His presence, hear His voice, listen to His word, get disciplined by His hand, rebuked in His anger... Hell.

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God. (Psalm 42:1)

So if we think about it that way, maybe bouts of temporary separation would do us good - after all, God works for those who love Him - for in the testing, our relationship with Him would be stronger, we would become more dependent on Him, would become more obedient unto Him, our hardened hearts would be softened, the fire would continue to mould and purify and we would long for Him with greater desire to be ever-present in our lives, not just at CU or on Sundays. And after the testing and the trials, God Himself will gather you in His arms and you shall find His rest and His peace and it shall be yours.

Wednesday, June 16, 2004

Solomon Grundy born on Wednesday...

Kay, he wasn't born on Wednesday but since today's Wedensday, might as well chuck him in as well. If anyone has forgotten the nursery rhyme of 'life' go to Solomon Grundy and relive those ancient days. Am gonna take the number 9 bus at 2pm down to Hammersmith for my interview at 4pm. Better too early than late. Anyway, I might get lost half way so concession's for my own sake. Other things to do today - tell the Laws office to send my results to Claylands Road instead of all the way to Malaysia, transfer funds, tell bank my new address, get sunblock SPF the highest possible and aftersun cream( I actually burned yesterday for the first time ever; not gonna take any more sun- related risks on my skin) and Liz's hen-party. That's my today. Tomorrow morning, am gonna be swimmin' at Wolfson house and then dripping it out in the sauna. Will be getting up at 8:30 for that. 8:30!!!!! And I thought pigs couldn't fly. I will also be experiencing the joy, which is Wagamama for the first time for lunch.

God is sovereign. My spelling may have gone a bit awry, my hearing musty and my sight dimmed but it is satisfying to laugh at the indignities of our bodies. Imagine, in heaven, no more hay fever, no more glasses, no more sun-burnt skin. All new. Anewed. And the best part is... God will be walking in the garden with us. Makes a lot of sense to put all our trust in God since He is sovereign. No point fretting cos the best is still in store and His will, will prevail.

Therefore I urge you to indeed give your bodies as living sacrifices for that is our spiritual act of worship. I want God to be the most glorified in my life. It means having to be most satisfied in Him therefore having to trust Him, abide in Him, obey Him. No questions asked. Only then, when the 'I' is taken out of the equation, can we surrender ourselves wholly to God for His glory to shine through. Loads of stuff I've written down might seem absolutely basic but hey, it's good to remind ourselves of why we are who we are and why we are where we are.

First move...

I was pondering the other day as I celebrate my 12th year of 'Christian-hood' this year, whether I will mature in a 'dramatic' way - a spiritual growth spurt upon reaching spiritual puberty? Sounds silly but things happen...

Doing a one-to-one is dangerous. Doing a one-to-one with Judith (and the Holy Spirit) is mind-blowing. In our second to last one-to-one yesterday, Jude slowly unpicked, quite accurately, my giant iceberg, bit by bit. It seems fine having a huge mass of solid rock hidden away where no one can see it and only the cute, teeny, cap is seen but when it is brought to the surface, the implications and the weight of it all takes on a different tone. I'm not going to say what my iceberg is at this point but I know that a large part of it involves my highly-prized, jealously-guarded, privacy and solitarity. When it is just a matter of keeping to myself, well, I guess no one really knows what goes on in the others' hearts. The Bible says,

Proverbs 14:10
Each heart knows its own bitterness,
and no one else can share its joy.

However, in studying our purpose to live and our purpose in life, the part I have found most difficult to digest was that in belonging to God's family, I have to bear responsibilities that included taking off my mask, blowing away the smoke screen, melting my iceberg. I don't mind taking others' problems onto myself and I enjoy serving to the best of my ability and securing close friendships but it has been a life-long way of life for me to never ever appear vulnerable emotionally, to anyone. In that, I don't mind getting close but will not let anyone come close. I will venture outside my comfort zone and walls to go to you but I wouldn't let you come in. To those that somehow mange to slip through my barriers, my heart feels threatened and I get angry at myself that security was not tight enough and so I harden my heart even more. I think Jude called that self-reliance. Or in other words, there is such a thing as being too independent. I do not know how to proceed from here. All I know is that I need to. I want to change because it is God's will for me but breaking out of this mould that has been my defence against everyone from before I can remember is the hardest thing I have ever contemplated doing. What of my phobia of snakes (which now seems quite distant)? Was that not the hardest thing to do - getting over that fear? Snakes, sure, I made a conscious effort to get rid of that fear but snakes would never betray trust or have long-lasting cosequences on my relationships. I loathe being vulnerable, I dislike having to depend on people because I never know if they have my best interests at heart and if possible, I would rather sit in an Eden, surrounded by animals and nature, whilst conveniently forgetting that God created 2 human beings for fellowship with one another as well as for fellowship with Him. Not biblically sound at all. Some things are so hard to let go but once we do, it's so hard to see why we didn't let go the first chance we got. Hopefully, in the days, months or years to come, I will be able to look back with hindsight and rejoice that in following God's will for me, that I will truly be free from the cage I have grown myself into.

Monday, June 14, 2004


Saying sorry is good cos then one's account with one's friends can be kept short - who knows if any one person may have been offended by careless remarks? So I'm saying sorry to the current residents of HWW because I have been ranting about the house too much as though it were already mine. It's still their house and after being quietly rebuked (thank you to you-know-who-you-are) I hope this apology puts things right.

Second thing. I know in past emails/ blog entries, I have stated that I find it hard to express my relationship with God even among Christian brothers and sisters due to the fact that I am such a private person and that based on that, intimacy shared (in my arguably wrong view) is intimacy broached. Read in Purpose Driven Life that 'While your relationship to Christ is personal, God never intends it to be private' and it really stung. In a good way. Friendship and trust ties in so strongly together for me though, making it almost like wrenching two things apart. Or maybe I'm just being stubborn.

I constantly pray that God humbles me daily so that while I'm being disciplined, I rejoice because I am [God's] child. Because I feel [God's] hand upon my life, I know that He is near and is watching my every move. I ask to be humbled and to be broken because only when I have been fully broken and shattered, can I be gathered and rebuilt according to the Master's plan. Sounds a bit gruesome, this wanting to be broken but to be humbled before our Creator God is so natural and right, it is joyous. The laughing beggar.

I can see...

With Priss' glasses.

The clearness and mystifying clarity of London (if only through a flattened telescope aka spectacles) made me realise my much-warranted need for glasses. There, I've said it. I do not just look myopic. I am myopic. The bare facts. *Sigh* I should make an appointment or better yet, just wait til I get home before getting them fixed cos it's cheaper - much cheaper and cost has been on my mind for quite some time now. amazingly, Priss' glasses didn't fall off my nose so DKNY glasses it is for me from now on - or just glasses that will stay on. Never liked the idea of contacts cos I'm just not 'clean' enough and will probably get inflamed whatevers and watery optics at the end of the day so I'll skip that.

So far, England is up 1-0 to France and I don't think I'll bother with what happenes next. Apparently Beckham missed a penalty - shocking news indeed. To round up my week, tomorrow, I'm going to have lunch with Jude, followed by a 1-2-1 session with the same person at the Terazza, after which, I am going to meet a certain Mr. Alex B to finalise our housing agreement. On Tuesday, lunch with Priss and buying Liz a present as well as getting a belt from Hennes. Possibly dinner with Joanna. Wednesday; job interview at Hammersmith, Liz's hen-party at night, Thursday; lunch with Daryl at Wagamama. That's it so far. I'm trying to fit as many people in to go munch with me at Bertorelli's and Chez Gerard (although I don't care for salmon, I'm sure their English Breakfast and steak's to dieee for).

My fingers smell of onion cos Priss and I were having onion-beef pasta for dinner and I chopped the onions and for once, didn't cry.

Have finished packing all my things except clothing. I should take a picture of it all oiled up to show how much junk I've collected over this short period. I came with 3 bags, I'm leaving with about 15 (boxes, a mirror, a guitar and a violin included). My walls are all bare and the room looks more spacey... Kevin Spacey... hmm... Kevin Bacon... bacon... yum... Kevin Costner - Robin Hood.

Saturday, June 12, 2004

Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away...

And they still are!!!!!

Woo hoo. Am going a bit crackers. No, sorry. Have gone a bit crackers. No, loads of crackers. Cheese crackers - yum. I think I'm slowly turning vegan without really meaning to. Had soya milk and mashed potatoes for brunch. Other nitty-gritty aspects of a certain organism's life; washed my hair, packed up more stuff and watched the personality-challenged, Dawson's Creek. Also sang a medley of songs on my guitar. The stings are getting rusty. my broken sandal seems quite well-fixed. I did it! With a bit of strong, stinky glue and a key ring. Reminds me of McGuyver. Richard Dean Anderson - another grey haired hero of mine.

I have been summoned to write a full-account pertaining my housing for the next year to my dad today. Ahh.... military stlye precision - that's my dad. Lay all your cards out on the table, no hanky-panky or beating round the bush. Black and white. While I have failed to inherit my dad's maddeningly-organized skill, the chromosomes that control the other patterns of behaviour have at least managed to seep through, leaving me not totally helpless to face the world :)

Will be watching Dragon Heart later on ITV2. Tell me again why I favour Sean Connery.

Am quite at a lost with myself when it comes to my preference for Hollywood stars. To quote from a poem Priss sent me when we were sending emails, poem-form...

I really don't know what you see
In old men whose chests are hair free,
Yet their heads are far from bare,
Makes up for lack of body hair.

I mean, Sean Connery, Richard Dean Anderson, Clint Eastwood, Harrison Ford, Hector Elizondo, Richard Harmon, Ian McKellen, Patrick Stewart... maybe it's the greyness of things that balances out my strictly black and white nature. Can't really categorise them other than that they're all pretty old. The first four are action people, the next two were doctors in Chicago Hope and the last two are super-mutants. Hmmm.... ramblings of the troubled mind.

Enough fickle talk. The CU for the past few weeks have been having 'Discipline of...' talks. For example, the Discipline of Integrity, the Discipline of Relationships, the Discpline of Friendship and etcetera. Loads learnt in all the talks but for me personally, the discipline of friendship talk in particular, has put a dent in my armour of keeping emotionally detached from most people. I know on the surface, at face value, the discipline of friendship might seem like something I have already grasped. It is so easy for me to make and keep friends and I can know so much about them and yet I detract from them knowing me. Sad? I really do not know. One friend, at the end of us spending 5 years of High School together, wrote in my autograph book that it seemed odd that I was still a mystery to her.

An iceberg is teeny at the top and yet a huge, mass floats at the bottom. (I wrote quite a bit at this point but decided that the only time anyone would ever read it would be if it were in a book cos even the blog's a bit 'cheap' for that - there's something about the smell of paper that bears more substance than the hum of the computer). So I will leave my blogging for today at that and go and do more pondering.

Friday, June 11, 2004

More! More! More!

Mind blogging things (as opposed to mind boggling things) have crossed my brain today - which may I remind you is more the size of a fair-sized pear and less like an egg. That's because I'm not a Stegosaurus, although I would love to have plate-like bones sticking out from my body, turn vegetarian, own a spiky tail and walk on all fours, not least being slightly taller than I am now.

Serbian embassy was really helpful. So funny the things that happened this morning. Had to get to the embassy by 1pm for visa application. Took the bus down to Kensington where I had to change bus. The bus I wanted happened to be in front of the bus I was riding and so I hopped off the bus I was on and ran 3 blocks to catch up with the other bus, which (thank you God for too many cars) was held up by traffic. In posh Kensington I ran, in front of Harrods and other 'posh' shops in my pink flip-flops, hands flaying and skirt flying, willing the bus to stop. I caught it! Rode it to the Yugoslavian embassy but upon arrival, was told that it only catered for Bosnia now and that the Serbian embassy was somewhere else. I was wondering whether I could run again when the guy suggested taking a taxi. Question mark. I never take taxis unless absolutely necessary. By this time, my watch had gone 12.42 noon. Flagged a taxi down, told him of my 'plight' and we charged down the road only to be stopped 3 cars down by a traffic jam. In response, he drove manically down streets that didn't even exist in my little tourist map. I think he found it as fun as I did and I also think he sped up the road facing ongoing traffic once. Nearly forgot to take my change back, ran across Belgrave Square and stepped into the embassy 3 minutes to one. Grinning from ear to ear. Have to go see Priss now. Bye.

Hey, hey, hey

Oh lookie, now I can sub-divide and compartmentalise my stuff with headings even if not in chronological order, eh JP? Had a busy, busy day yesterday and will be having a busy weekend. I'm not going to the house party - how many times do I need to say that??!!?? Friends do not need to give a reason for any reason. But I do hope you all have loads of fun. It has been brought to my attention that you all will be catching an earful of Bible themes including Life Beyond University, The Word of God and Heresy, just to name a few.

Daryl's party last night; summary - I started with dessert, had some of the most luscious chocolates in London, ate healthy vegetarian food all night and watched Jurassic Park while snacking on peanuts and mint and yogurt popodums(?). We had to run to catch the train. I was wearing heels. Miraculously, I could actually run in them and we did catch the train in time. As I crossed the bend round Stamford Street on foot on my way home, the strap broke. Wow. If it had died while I was running...

It's almost official - Sarah, Elena and I will be taking over 85 Claylands Road for the next 2 years, starting 1 July 2004. Yes! I'm gonna get a house *sing-song* and I've wanted that place since November last year and now it's mine! Well, not technically mine as Alex still owns it but life's falling into place like Tetris, which suits me just fine, although it's not meant to suit me but rather, God's will. Alex does free-lance journalism - hooray - at least now we have one thing in common - besides being slightly scatty, although in different ways. He doesn't like legal terms and prefers to set out his contracts in good faith by following his gut instinct, which is great cos it's not like I know all that Law mumbo-jumbo either.

Today (actually right after I've mailed my parents some stuff), I will have to ead towards the Serbian embassy to get my passport done at last. I finally have all the documents I need, appointment sorted and hopefully the embassy will be efficient enough so that my visa will be sorted in 15 days time (or less). Have to dash. Will update soon. Get in touch.

Thursday, June 10, 2004

The only reason I'm writing this third entry today is because Priss wants to know, what happened at RML party last night instead of just knowing that Nigel has a nice cat and I figured that if I had to tell her, might as well tell everyone, right?

Walked there with Tom B, Carly, Letty, Sarah, Adam and Holty. When we were almost there, Adam and Holty made the girls turn around and face the other way as they changed into their 80s gear in the middle of the road, nah, in the middle of the pavement. Yeah sure, we look the other way but every block (including grannies and grampies) is watching. Privacy at its highest. Nigel's place - we entered with blaring 80s music about 2 hours late. Mingle mingle. Met new people, got to know acquaintances much better and saw a whole bunch of people I thought I'd never see again - why does that sound so bad? Apparently Holty, Adam and Pete(?) were making funny dancing thingies on the dance floor but that's just from word of mouth. Saw a guy whom, with all the information given me, I could only say, looked a lot like Phil Blue and he was :) Asked this lady (whom I thought might be a third year given she was the closest person to my height at the party - not that third years are short) who she was and got the response, "Nigel's wife" to which I replied, "I like your dress."

Priss is, I quote from Priss, "...being silly" and wants me to write more about the RML party. The burgers were great! Juicy and chunky unlike the flat, I'm-not-sure-what's-inside burgers from fastfood outlets. Asked Elisa where they came from; Islington is the definite burger place to go to. As I sat on the sofa and observed people with Letty, it hit me that everyone suddenly seemed very tall. Strange. I know I'm short but everyone just seemed to grow all of a sudden and I felt a little like Gulliver in the land of Giants - not that I was able to watch pores breathe or that I was shut up in a match box...

We have decided that we're gonna watch a comedy tonight. So bring on the mash potatoes and let's watch some DVD!
Back again in the cold artic that is Laws LG10. Have finished taking down quite a few posters - wrapped the large ones up in torn sheets of paper and cellotape and stored the smaller ones in flat files to minimise the appearance of wrinkles. Bought another giant animal poster from Vic - my animal poster supplier guy down at Covent Garden - this time a tiger. Am planning to make paper mache frames for my small, African pictures and buy Tesco frames for the large ones. It's gonna be a busy summer.

Of all the pictures (of myself) that I dislike taking, passport and ID pictures are (one of) the worst. Not only do I sit there, in the resigned knowledge that they'll never come out the way I hope they would, I also have to pay for them. The one thing that eases the strain is the cheerful face of a Swedish lady who has seen too many bad passport photos and like she said, at least I laughed at my photos instead of bashing my fist down on the table - t'was cos I was tired. Photos taken, another thing crossed of my list - I'm on fire today!

Tonight, I will watch another DVD with Stefanie and Priss - time to go get some refreshment thing - I wonder, should I go for Kill Bill, Kill Bill 2, X-men 2 (again) or what? But it's not really up to me, is it? It's collective as in collective farming in the Soviet Union, as in collectivisation. Just had the image of brown and white cows running through my mind when I typed down the word 'Bill' for one reason or another hence the follow-up of farming and the Soviet Union.

I wonder why I write so much. It's not that I'm 'chronically lonely' to quote a friend whose first impression of my crazy mails was as such but then figured I just from a different planet. If i didn't have this blog, it's not that I would be restricted in writing cos that can always go down on paper, it's more that not as many people would be able to read as much. I also wonder, that if you all can read all that I've written, surely 4 chapters a day off the Bible aint that much. I mean, seriously, check out the Psalms. That's what I call music.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

Woke with the satisfaction of being reminded that God is in control no matter what. Have been with Vic all day - Bertorelli, Covent Garden and now, the exclusively famous LG10 PAWS room. Victoria bought me a new bag. Huge. Pink. I learn something new everyday - today's lesson is how to hold a bag properly without fidgeting. Saw the 'genius' of a man, Phil Blue at Bertorelli while we were there - seems like I'm not the only one making full use of Sante. Called my possibly-future-boss and after some business-like chit-chat, I'm on for an interview at Hammersmith next Wednesday. I'm hoping I have nothing on then. So one down.

Went to the RML party last night. Nice cat.

Paul sent the Oakhall documents required for visa processing to me this morning as promised. Two down. I still need to call them to book an appointment and a date to fix up my visa though. Went to the Law common room to pick up boxes for packing and bumped into my Law Society President. After 'gruelling' her on future reformation and getting her phone number, Black Bag will have some nice things to say for once. I think Black Bag is getting too full of himself. Too much testosterone and masculine influence is, according to literature theory, destructive. That is why most Romeos are ever slightly more feminine, serenading and etcetera. Three and four down - my list is looking shorter by the minute. Cool.

I have to snap a passport photo later. Gloria.

Will be deciding on housing once and for all tomorrow afternoon, which if magnanimously favourable, will see me calling Alex, my possible future landlord. Ruts in the road are inevitable. Unfortunate, but inevitable. Deal with it. Alex. It seems like a lot of people who have influenced my life share the same name. Alexander Luthur aka Lex Luthur(hehehe), Alexandra Thomas, Alexandra Gorden-Lennox, Alexander Lucas, Alexander Grant, Alexi Duggins... interesting. Or does it just tie in with the fact that my middle name's Alexandra? I'm hoping to move my stuff where ever I need to move them by 24th June. I've bought more posters to stick up, and need more paper folders and clear folders to hold more stuff in an orderly fashion. Have started taking things down from my pin-board; that's one thing I'll definitely need in the new place.

Wednesday night. I will be packing packing packing. Posters down from walls, out from drawers and into boxes. Thursday. Make that embassy appointment! Thursday night - Daryl's party. Anyone going? Friday before House Party, possible coffee with Carly. Have decided I will stick to my decision and not go to the House Party. Will go get that belt from H+M instead and make use of the gym I seem to have forgotten. I need to hunt round for a pair of shoes to accompany me to Serbia too.

What else to say???? I think I'm slightly more grown up than I was yesterday :)

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

It's one hot day in the great city and the Thames dinner cruise is still on. Apparently my short-lived ability of being able to pronounce the 'thames' has been cruelly snatched away from me, rendering me helpless to Priscilla's evil glance and smirks at my inability :(

Am probably going to the RML party tonight for fun, after all, how many times could I relive the 80s? A time when I was still learning that side burns were actually part of the face and not some random bit of bristling thing to be pulled, twisted and made into little balls of fluff. In my Christmas tartan skirt I will go, if only I knew which pair of shoes to wear... decision, decisions. Hopefully, a certain Mr Taylor and I will have a good chat, among the questions I would like to ask him; Do you have a brother called Nicholas? For I have a distinct suspicion that William and my English Lit teacher at college, share similar features. Who knows? The world is a small place. Housing is looking very much brighter as I dig out a few more pennies to pay rent for a certain house on Claylands Road. I am quite sure I will get it. No? Have been attached to the place since November last year and now, I will finally be able to say, the tree is mine. Hahahahaha. Unless of course, Mr Holt decides that he would like to sabotage my valiant efforts. A war is brewing and the earth shudders at deep-rooted, tectonic activity of scheming and violence.

Having just had a tall, Haagen Dasz Cookie Crunch, I am feeling quite full and will assume correctly that the large, oh-yumeeee, ice cream will constitute my breakfast lunch and also dinner for today. Thus ends my relatively short message. I have found a new land, new soil in which my brain may grow and develope in the comfort of the north pole and possible yetis and polar bears slumbering in - Laws LG10.
Yes, I'm back - full of dreamy thoughts and excited dreams and loads of internal questions. Sat on Southbank with Sarah and Priss, eating chips for dinner - as opposed to my would-have-been Italian rendezvous. Watched the sun set, a pterodactyl, Thumbelina on a mouse, a baby on a shrew, a helicopter plunging into the baby's brain and exiting through his back, a long line of ball room dancers waltzing across the sky and a dancing hippo. Not forgetting the alien mothership, UFOs and countless little battleships all prepared to do battle with middle-earth. We also saw several Thames river cruises go by, which I have checked out before blogging.

For 150 sterling pounds (approximately 2 weeks rent for some of us who are lucky enough to find such a place), you will enjoy a 4 course meal and welcoming cocktails - I think they call it aperitif *faints* - style, exellence, quality. You'll also savour the pleasure of freshly-grounded coffee, CHOCOLATE, live entertainment and dancing afterwards - just make sure you learn not to step on your partner's toes before attempting Patrick Swayze moves of any sort. This also includes half a bottle of wine per person. With wine overflowing their barrels, the only way I'll be able to take full and well advantage of the 'offer' is if I brought along a true wine-lover, to whom I could go, "Here take my cocktail and my half bottle of wine and the liquor filled chocolate..." But until I acquire 150 odd quid to spare, Sante Online it is.

Am just gathering my thoughts so that it won't seem like I've too much to say and don't know how to say them;
1) House vs home
2) Job
3) Serbia
4) Thames river cruise dinner
5) St Peters Barge
6) H+M belt
7) Family
8) Hungering
9) House Party

Just to let you know, the following might not make an incredible amount of sense. But I've littered the skies with questions and I don't want it to rain tomorrow so I've come to spill the rest out here.

Is it possible to fill extraordinarily full but unquestionably hungry at the same time? I'm not talking chips and physical digestion but more spiritual indigestion. Why are there occasions when I feel completely satisfied and sated and other times when I am constantly hungry for more? Is one or the other wrong? Are both wrong? Are both right? Define what is right and what is wrong. This morning I woke up feeling full spiritually, satisfied and content even, though I have been feeling like I've been running on empty the past few days, just struggling to 'keep up' spiritually with where I used to be - if that can be said. But at the end of the day, however feelings come and go, His truth is eternal. I told God I could see where He had been carrying me and so that's why even when I felt like life itself had been sucked dry out of me, He sustained me; He didn't just enable me to carry on, He carried me on. Through sandpits and sinkholes and quicksands (are they the same thing?) He carried me through. And that's why I cannot let go. It's not a matter of knowing about but a lifestlye of knowing.

Priss, Sarah and I also talked a bit on prayer. I know it's edifying to others but part of me actually detests sharing my words to God with other people. Not all the time, only sometimes and not wholly detestable, only partly. People listening (in) to my prayers is like to me, an invasion of the highest privacy. I actually feel vulnerable when I pray in groups and I dislike that immensely. Still, something I have to learn and will learn, given time and as God sure knows, loads of discipline. My time with Him I guard in almost jealous obsession, which I know is wrong. Is it? I guess my head had always 'ruled' so to speak, despite me bordering the illogical many a time. I always think of the pros and cons and on the one hand, on the other situations. If the risk concerns certain things for example, relationships or matters of the heart, whoever they may be, I will not be willing to take it, never mind the possible, positive outcome. A coward? Trust is one aspect of life I have seldom, if not never been able to grasp fully outside my relationship with God. Some things in my relationship with God I wonder if I can ever bring to my other relationships, even with my brothers and sisters in Christ. Some think it's because I'm too independent, some because I'm too caught up in my own world and some because I just don't care enough about others. I have to think it through again. There is eternity to be made perfect in God's kingdom and even here on earth, God won't let this body go one second before I'm ready and when I'm ready my soul will be released from an alien world and return home.

* Sounds a little like something out of Star Wars but it's even cooler than that because Christianity is real and Jesus is alive!
Heya all, Aimee couldn't make it for dinner so I decided to go on the Serbian Embassy website to remind myself of the things I had to do in order to get my visa processed. Have a look - Serbian Embassy. The list of things required is longer than even my daily 'to do' list! Ooooh, pray people... Had a salad at Pizza Hut cos the heat was getting to me and I didn't feel like eating again. A salad! After that Sarah, Elena and I rang up all the housing-related people to make appointments to see houses so that's lined up for me this week. It takes 15 days approximately to process my visa! Steady... steady... it still can be done. I wish... I wish...

Tomorrow am gonna have to rise at 8am to meet up at 9am to walk to Kennington for 10am. Then, meeting at Haagen Dasz Cafe at 1.30pm, hang round with Susan including having an early dinner at Bertorelli and then the last CU at 6.30pm. I'm struggling to decide whether or not I should go to the House Party. Initially it was such an easy decision. I don't want to go means I won't go. Simple. Easy-pizzy. Throw in Adam, Cara, Katie, Caroline Speers and Philip (and Holty calling me 'lame') and now I'm feeling quite disturbed and distressed(?).

On a lighter note, I found a Monsoon dress which wasn't too long - amazing things do happen! Perfect fit. Wrong colour. Feeling swishy today for some reason despite everything looking quite hard to wear. Maybe I'll go grab a frappy for dinner:) Will beback tonight to 'talk' a bit more. It's either here, on my mobile to God or up to the clouds. Space it all out evenly and the sky won't fall.

Monday, June 07, 2004

Elena and I found this website. I won't say anything for about ummm (til tonight probably)... about it, but what do YOU think? Comments? Give me a tag or email me at debbie_claw@hotmail.com so I'll be able to get a slightly more 'rounded' view of what people think in general before throwing in my own opinion. Here goes: Jesus Christ Action Figure. Apparently Monty Python's Life of Brian caused quite a bit of controversy as well... the world is in such a sorry state. That said, I'm not great either so do I have any right to say anything?
Am catching Sarah and Elena in about half an hours time to either go Pizza Hutting or Star Bucksing. Both a possibility, however only one will satiate my ever growing thirst. A frappy's what I need right now and to satsify my Italian stomach, Aimee and I will visit (or revisit for the something'th time, in my case) Bertorelli. Their special offer ends 30th June and with the new clause of having to order 2 main courses before being able to make use of the vouchers, I have had to bring people along, Unlike Holty who 'boasts' - it's in inverted commas, cos as everyone knows, Holty doesn't generally boast, so it's not boast in the bad sense; just thought I needed to make that clear as I'll end up apologising for the umpteenth time for misrepresenting someone unfairly... *Sigh* the responsibilities of a blogger - that he can down 2 main courses by himself thus, not really needing anyone to help him.

Finally got my letter from the Law Faculty so I can ring the embassy up tomorrow to book an appointment - you actually have to book an appointment now a days - what happened to all those waiting-in-line days of old? I have decided against buying new summer dresses or baggy shirts for the Serbia trip until my visa's sorted. Cos I'll only know how much I have left in my account to spend after the Serbian embassy's accountant deducts them, quite readily and cheerfully. Among other things I will also need to purchase, which will no doubt benefit me in the long run - a CD player, good walking shoes, a possible gameboy and sandwich bags to store whatever ham thing I decide to bring along. Quite quite exciting, this whole trip. getting all wound up... breathe easy.

Woke up at 6am this morning - achievement! - especially after only stumbling into bed at 2am, after a journey round the city; starting with St Helens, St Andrew(s), Hamilton court (I think - it's a JD Whetherspoon thing) and finally Tinseltown, then rerouting back and taking 2 buses home via London Bridge and Elephant and Castle. Boiling hot. That's what England is. Looked in my wardrobe and instantly decided against wearing jeans today. So am currently wearing a short, I think they call it tartan-patterned - it basically looks like a roll of Christmas paper - red skirt by River Island. Bla. Had to walk across Waterloo Bridge and bla... short skirts and windy environments were not made for one another unless you're an ice-skater.

Tick tock tick tock, time is ticking away. And not just to lunch time. Although my conversation with God this morning did not include "Thank you for another day," it did press upon me the urgency of time. I assume that a lot of what runs through my mind in the morning depends slightly on everything I observe and hear about the night before and with that assumption, small discussions such as "When did the dinosaurs exist?" really gets me excited and I start out reading and pondering all there is to ponder. Unfortunately, my bank balance doesn't allow me to travel that far to buy books so whatever knowledge I have, I get from the PAWS room - my doorway to the internet. It has been argued that information from the internet may not be the best source of reliable, objective debate...

Kings Bench happened to be one of the things that crossed conversation last night and judging by the opinion poll so far, it needs a lot of dismantling, rebuilding and polishing up. I'm not too sure the editors of this year will be extremely keen to hand over their collective post to just one person but hopefully, exam stress will get the better of them (hehehehehe) and I'll have a magazine to run - oooh, I'll need to recruit a team of some sort. The problem I will face then is putting it together on the computer as I don't have the programme they have and I don't have a computer. So I will have to figure that out fast before they scheme excuses not to hand over. If anyone has any theories or suggestions, now would be the time to yell all.

God is only good all the time.

I had time to remember that today :) It doesn't matter if housing doesn't go to plan, if visas get mixed up or if I pronounce zebra as zee-bra instead of zae-bra. In the long run, I'm gonna have a mansion over a hilltop in that bright land where we'll never grow old, and some day yonder I'll never more wander but walk the streets that are purest gold. My visa to Heaven's sorted and well, we can always call the zebra in Hebrew or Greek.

Have to dash now but will probably be back tonight with more 'Jesus' thoughts.

Sunday, June 06, 2004

It's past one and I'm still raring to go - must be the new eye-gel I'm using to keep me from getting panda eyes. Hahahahahaha.... am sitting here wondering what to do with my webpage. Should I add a forum in? Would people 'talk' in it if I did? I know JP would, but anyone else? Heads up to JP. What will we talk about? Holty would probably add some 'random craziness' which I still think belongs to Carly and I, but if you admit to talking about that in your sleep, you may have it, it's yours. I mean, I can fill em pages up no problemo but it's not about me, it's about you - woo hoo. I also want to transfer this whole shinamabang into Flash then I'll be able to have - doh - flashing stuff going on. I need to get a digicam to fill in a picture gallery, unless I got a scanner. Hmmm, I wonder if my SISTER *HINT* will be GENEROUS enough to get me one from SINGAPORE. If you buy it for me NOW, Alfred and Brian are gonna be back in Kuching soon so then you can pass it to them. Just make sure everything's handled with care and precision. It'll be great if my homies can finally get to know what my westies look like and vice versa. And my westies will be able to know what my other westies look like and same goes for the homies. I want flashing monkeys and dogs wagging ther tails and purring cats on screen. I want donkey tour guides and hippo games installed permanently. I want a logo for Poodle too.

Jems is heading back to Malaysia soon and I've just dropped her a nice juicy email.
I've always had fond memories of looking for houses. I remember my parents bringing me along to 'grade' houses they considered moving into when I was younger - about 9 or 10 I should say. All sorts of houses we looked at. One was near a truck-loading area that my mom absolutely detested and she still shudders everytime she passes by the said house, thinking of the 'what if' she had lived there. Then there was this other house that I personally loved. It had massive rooms, little nooks and crannies to hide in, musty cushions and floor to ceiling windows, framed by yellowish, drappy curtains in a reception that was about 3 storeys high. There was also a huge indoor balcony that overlooked the reception area. It gave this sense of slight paranoia to the person visiting the place, wondering if the owner was going to pop up behind him at any time, which is so cool! Especially when dealing with nasty estate agents. (Here I have to say: not all estate agents are nasty, some are very nice, but I have yet to come across one, although Steven does come close). It had this odd personality to it that made it perfect for the wide-eyed eccentric to hide in, brewing up weird concoctions in the basement or to entertain embalmed corpses, ancient mummies and Frankenstein. No wonder my parents didn't put an offer down - they're 'normal'... If I had to go back to my hometown permanently, that's the one place I would love to live in. Reliving Van Helsing times... hehehehehe.

But in the end, my folks decided that no house was good enough for them or suited them well-enough so they decided to build one from scratch and we moved in at dawn on my sister's 10th birthday just in time to go to church that morning. I was 12. It all started from a plot of land with bushes and trees still inhabited by little insects, creepy crawlies and bats and birds. There was even a stream nearby. Unfortunately, the stream is now stagnant and remains behind our house, which is no doubt unhealthy but as the owners of the plot next door still do not want to cultivate their land and turn it into something more aesthetically pleasing (instead of rotting vegetation, old tins where mosquitoes breed and discarded woodwork) it looks like we're stuck with it for now. My brother and his band of friends don't mind. They 'fish' and play there, pretending to climb mountains and rescuing bits of floating randomness. I used to do that. I even had a piece of rope so I could climb down this 15 foot wall to escape into this area I dubbed 'the plains'.

The huge 'plain' was a relatively large, flat piece of land of some acres; water-clogged greyish matter with a 'forest' over a hill of more greyish matter that I used to get filthy in as I pretended I was travelling over some icky moor to get to the other side with just one piece of bread - I was very much into dramatising Jane Eyre at the time. I would get absolutely covered in dirt because the 'plain' was clay-like in texture, sticky and slippery. I would get stuck in it if I stood in any one area too long and then lift up a whole, solidified, chunk of clay with my flip-flops and get mud between my toes, up to my knees - something I did on purpose. As it is very hot in Malaysia, as I lifted my hand to wipe the sweat off my brow, the dirt that I picked up through beating mosquitoes off my legs would end up on my face. A full-body mud pack indeed. Such glorious fun. You guys have no idea. I would then trudge home across the plains, climb up the rope, about 2 kilos heavier with all the mud clinging to me and wash off in the carpark before sneaking in through the back door and hoping my mom won't catch sight of me before I had a shower. Such fun!

Unfortunately, I cannot just plan for a house to be built and stuff a cat, dog, cow and horse into it as Jack did. So I have to start looking, as I have continually done and hopefully, I will end up with something, which although may not be my dream house of some eerie fashion (including stuffed animal heads mounted on the walls, iron gates in front and 12 foot high walls surrounding my beastial palace), would constitute something of a home for the next 2 years.
As I sit here awaiting a phone call from someone confirming their availability to have dinner with me at a certain Italian restaurant, my mind has already long begun to wander and I'm thinking of pink hippos floating in the sky, dressed in frilly tutus. Hoodily-hum, shash-mo-gosh-hum, dilly-doo. Twiddling toes and hallucinations are all part and parcel of life. Besides being partially aware of my hermit-enabling surroundings - I think I thaw a puddy cat, I did! I did! I did thsee a puddy cat! - and the sleepish blue aura that seems to be floating in happy-world, causing my head to follow it hypnotised and captivated, bobbing on a stick of bone, I am also reliving my dreams of yesternight. Most strange and peculiar, dreams are. Sharks turning into pineapple heads - that fruit is nothing but trouble, being foiled in a game of treasure hunt, Robin Hood eating pizza in a pub, wandering around Mill Hill even though I've never been there and taking a dip in the Blackpool Sea at night, among other things, the most disturbing of all being, having my photo taken with a digi-cam while eating raspberry ice lollies. I'm still trying to piece together the missing links, which could possibly be the key to rediscovering my 'true' identity, which I distinctly remembered blasting out to the head of the treasure hunt when he refused to declare me the winner, if only I could remember what it was.

The chairs are pink! Revelation at last. If one looks closely enough at these seemingly dead and unresponsive creatures of wordly comfort and technology, something sinister emerges and imagination becomes reality. I'm sure I saw one of these creatures wink at me with a slow eye! I have to remain absolutely still and motionless, as if dead - only the tap tap tap of my fingers and the slow hiss of the ventilating machines are heard. Every movement, every creak. They are watching. No, be silent! I have to get into the minds of these loathsome beasts that roam the earth and cause the human race to be dependent on them. The human race has become attached to these meaningless machines of terror, drawn in by their sheer pulling power which induces the yearning to be dependent and now we must pay the price as cellulite unfolds and our muscles lose their proper coordination and at the dusking of the lightbulb, these machines shall arise and take over our system of thought and imagination, rendering us only able to imagine the what ifs and forgetting the todays. Boldly, we shall use our imagination and return from whence we came, trying to shift barriers of possibility and embrace madness to fully understand and grasp, even in our mad and disillusioned state, the reality which is yet fantasy.

I had to deal with that sneaky agent of deception today, he who deals with the dark mysteries of estate and property. Oh, I would rather live in a box and be surrounded by creepy crawlies than to put myself at the mercy of one who doesn't care. What worse fate could befall me, when people try to light up the darkness that protects me with blinding sticks of that piercing entity which brings sorrow to the eyes and scares the spirit out of sane wit. I've had to entice my soul out with precious little secrets of hee hee hee to make a stable world of ions and minerals in which it can again reside or rest and die.

Am still waiting for that call. Maybe I should just call another and as I hear a calming voice in soothing sound waves, systematically minting over all unrest, cooling it as Vicks vapour-rub does and directing its purpose towards me, I shall be lulled into another side-tracked, sense of security and once agin, try to remember why I really am.

Saturday, June 05, 2004

I've just realised that my watch and the time set by my blog aint the same. So when I say it's gone past midnight and the blog shows that it's still the previous day, it's not that I can't tell time. Unless the time thing starts when I open my blog and not when I actually post it. Which would make more sense.
The highlight(s) of my day today (so far) was washing my hair, followed by tuning in to Seal's 'Kiss from a Rose' on Virgin radio and eating last night's spaghetti for lunch while sitting through the fire alarm at the same time. Tonight I will be joining Stefanie for tortillas - yummy! Had a Cadbury Double Decker Nut *new* on my way here so am feeling quite sated.

As far as housing's going, the 5 people group are now split 2-3, cos Joanna and Chloe won't be living in London over the summer. I'll leave it at that for now because I need time to think about what I want to do next. It might seem obvious to everyone else but I don't get hints of any kind so I need it to hit me in the face before I can see it and that takes time - like chess. Job wise, I haven't had time to look around for about 2 weeks now, which is a pain but maybe I need a rest(?) although I can't see why. Maybe God wants me to spend more time on my butt reading and less time on my feet hunting. After all, it's the guys job to hunt (this statement should be followed by a slow and deliberate ha ha ha).

Friday, June 04, 2004

I'm back!!! Had yummy spash-tti at Carly's and took some home in sandwich bags cos we cooked too much and ate too little. It's gone past midnight but at least there'll be a continuum. Continuum? I'm feelin pretty tired due to a number of factors, least of all because I woke up at 10am this morning to try watch my X-men 2 movie again. The DVD Stamford Street lent me last night was lousy and kept halting so I couldn't watch Magneto kill someone properly. Tried it again this morning and got a bit further but then it stopped altogether. Eesh. Now I have to find someone with a good, preferably in working order DVD player so I can borrow the DVD again to watch it properly. Wolverine does kill more people though, so that bit's cool. Slash, slash, slash. *Shhpuk* Nice. Nightcrawler's ultra, ultra cool. What I would do for a tail like that...

Anyway, on to my mundane but energy consuming rustle of house finding. Everything's a bit up-in-the-air right now. Not sure what my next step should be. Not sure what I want my next step to be. Not sure if I will take a next step. It's quite frustrating when effort doesn't reap benefit but hey, I'm storing up heavenly treasures I can't see, even if the earthly ker-chings don't seem too favourable so that makes me feel slightly better :) Might just chill for a few days. No point making a decision I will regret with hindsight. So time-out it is but I will be back in the game after having a good man-o-man chat with the writer of this script. Maybe He wants me to do execute my act in a different way. Maybe I should take this opportunity to go parachuting... flying cows, flying pigs, flying elephants, flying kerfuffles... moo.

At the moment, I am writing my blog and emailing my folks back home at the same time. I think my friend back home has given birth already. Ouch. I'm sorry, that's sooo childish but seriously, ouch. But it's also very wow. Even angels can't do that. That's how wow it is. They peer over this edge into our lives and I wonder if they wonder at what they know about the heritage we're gonna get when we reach Heaven. Are they frustrated up there for our sakes, knowing that we're gonna get so much more than even they themselves and yet we live like we're not? It's funny, the thought that we're living alongside angels as well, worshipping God. Makes today so simple. Hah! It's THAT simple.

My plans over the next week have been set but I can always make time if you need a chat or grande frappucino at Starbucks. There are after all, 24 hours in a day.

Aimee and I went to Starbucks yesterday and she said I sounded more English than I previously did. What's the difference? I can't tell. We'll be going to Bertorelli on Monday evening to take advantage of the 15 pound voucher thing that's still on (until June 30th anyway). Will be meeting Sarah and Elena in Pizza Hut that same day but in the afternoon. Eat, eat, eat. We live a a land flowing, if not with milk and honey, definitely with Italian food. Tomorrow (technically tonight) I will be having Tortillas for dinner, whipped up by Stefanie and for Saturday, I'm contemplating going to the International Student thing in Clerkenwell - I think it's for the whole day. Sundays find me at church and possibly next term onwards, I will be at St Helens in the morning to help out with welcoming, creche or refreshments and in the evening, I'll be at St Peters Barge. I'm hoping to bring Terry to Bertorelli soon before he leaves for Belgium on the 8th and I won't see him until the new year - maybe I'll give him a call tomorrow for lunch. Tuesday's the last CU of the year everyone, so GO! GO! GO! Wednesday noon I'll be meeting Victoria for more Bertorelli - the waitresses will know me pretty well by then - and Thursday is the last small group(s) and Daryl's party. Friday, Saturday and Sunday will see the CU off to the House Party and I will be sitting at home, glad that I saved my eyes from watering bucket loads. I don't generally cry a lot but when I cry, I flood. Oh dear. During the time I will also have to get a letter from the Uni stating some official study stuff so that I can go get my visa for the trip to Serbia. Unfortunately, being a law school, the faculty staff can't count (at least those handling my documents) and the 24-hour promise has dragged on to a week now. Urgh.

Have already started packing my books and files away, numbering my boxes as I go along - and realised that about 3 books don't really belong to me so will get down to reading and completing them before handing them back to their rightful owners. I can't be done for theft because I did have the intention of returning them. My clothes, shoes and everything else, I will pack in 2 weeks time into the larger, ancient suitcase and various travel bags to be shifted to I-still-don't-know-where, leaving only the stuff I need to go to Serbia with in the smaller case and another bag. My full-length mirror, guitar and violin, I will have to transport carefully and individually, numbered 8, 9 and 10. Tick, tick, tick. All sorted. Alfred's going back to Malaysia the same day I'm going to Serbia so when I get back about 2 weeks after the trip, I can look forward to Alfred bringing some more stuff from back home. Have to make a nice list for my parents...

When I travelled back to Malaysia last summer, I was allowed my 36kg worth of clothing which I tolled along in a bag that could fit 2 of me. On top of that, there was the 'hand luggage' of about 6kg... And that was only stuff that got on the plane. My other 40kg odd, which included a trampoline, a life sized stuffed tiger, a moose, Marks and Sparks goodies for my bro, presents for folk back home and a Scooby-doo tie for my dad, among other things, had to trail behind later. The weight allowed for any one person at any one time for Malaysina Airlines is generally 30 if not 25kg max. I was, that morning, the smallest person in Heathrow with the most luggage. I had to hire a porter to carry all my stuff because it couldn't fit a trolley and I was given 'special treatment' in that not only did they allow me to jump the queue, they geared all the other passengers toward other check-in points. My guess is they realised they were dealing with a very clueless passenger who needed all the help she could get - which is fine by me. I sat next to the kitchen in the plane and kept on asking for peanuts and colouring books and sweets even before the plane took off :) What fun!

I've noted that I have gone on and on about almost nothing important. Well, compared to the 'psalms' we're meant to sing to one another to encourage and build up, it is 'nothing' but hey, the grass aint gonna get no greener until the Master comes again.
Met the original Debs yesterday (by the way, I'm the genuine article) - she's Priss' sister, and not just in Christ. She was carrying a box of Chinese bakery thingys that made my mouth water...

Things have been happening on the residential front. Will love to get into it right now but am due at Carly's in 35 minutes so have to dash and will write this when I get back from hers. Apparently, I should get ready for some yummy spash-tti :)

Wednesday, June 02, 2004

I have reviewed this and it is L-O-N-G.

Right, where do I start? At CU last night, we had the 'much awaited for' relationship talk. Homies, that equals the infamous BGR talks, Westies, BGR means Boy-Girl Relationships, which were talks my youth group had every year - although I'm sure the well-meaning grown-ups did try their best to get it into our heads that they were serious, I found their discomfort (not to mention the discomfort of the guys who sat in rows of defensive grouches with their arms akimbo) highly amusing... During this interval, I can hear my mother's exasperated voice, "Deborah, grow up!" I will take this opportunity to say "I'm sorry." I do regard all my brothers in Christ with utmost respect and brotherly love and you're all dear, dear people to me, so when I'm getting out of hand, just rebuke me, will you? For example, when I say 'grrrr' and pretend to snarl in annoyance and you get irritated by that (even though I don't know why) do tell me, and I will try to be conscious of the fact that contrary to popular belief, I am not, and will never be a feline. Better rebuke now then when I become a full-fledged meanie. Spare the rod, spoil the child. Do however, bear in mind that you might have to remind me GENTLY a few more times to finally curb any emerging tendencies.

Back to the talk. I suppose as with any other 'relationship' talk, although we nod at the do's and nod again at the dont's, affirming that we are not yet asleep, these rules will gradually disappear from software memory. Unless of course, we back it up with files in the hard drive. Where did all that come from???!!!??? Enough techno jargon. It's one thing to know that 'this and that' is wrong and that we're supposed to do this and refrain from that. However, it is not enough. Someone mentioned that it was all good to know what to do but that it was different 'in the moment.' My answer to that would be don't get so fired up that 'the moment' is actually a possibility or a danger. Solomon warns us in Song of Songs not to arouse or awaken love before the appropriate time. But as human nature has it, we rebel against what is set out as good and pleasing. Our rebellion is not head born, it comes from the heart. And the heart can deceive and trick and lie to us as easily as we let it and often, we give in. Emotions do not come from the head or live in the head, although scientifically speaking, everything comes from the tiny brainwaves that occupy our brain. Emotions are from the heart.

On a scale of 1 to 10 - no such thing as infinity plus 1 here, we're not at playschool anymore - I'd rate myself a 10 as a creature of emotion. And over the years, as all these rules get poured into my brain, I have realised it's not so much the rules that matter the most but it's all about the heart. Don't get me wrong, rules keep us on track so we don't lose focus of the big picture but we're not headed to fulfil the rules alone, but we're headed for something and someone far greater and more awesome that any of us can possibly imagine. I'm grinning so wide my cheekbones hurt and my heart is pounding in my chest as I think that any minute now God could possibly call us back to Him. Glorious indeed. It would be madness to experience Heaven on Earth in our fallen state.

If I were to say to you that I love God above all and that I cherish that relationship above all and that He fills and sustains my inmost being, would it not be reasonably and logical and natural that I should want to please him above all? It pleases Him that we follow His rules set out in the Bible but we can follow rules all day long without coming into relationship with Him. I guess that's my point - en route the long way :) A relationship with God founded ONLY on emotion or experience however, finds itself in dangerous waters. Understanding (to a certain extent, through faithful teaching) and taking His truth for ourselves is essential in our daily walk with Him and will help us in knowing among other things, where to set boudaries and keep and guard one another's hearts and minds zealously for the glory of God.

Following the rules are great as they discipline us to strive for Godliness, making up lists for the future is fun; I personally made a list of 222 points I wanted. The list doesn't exist anymore because I figured if God were happy with me, who was I to make a list about someone else. Thinking of where to draw the line is simple - if it's selfish, self-seeking and just plainly doesn't glorify God, draw the line. Could even be at holding hands. Draw the line. Hands get sweaty anyway. Who wants to hold a sweaty hand? God must be rolling His eyes at me now thinking, "Man, to think I have to hold your hand every second of every day!" Draw a nice, fat, waterproof, oilproof, whatever-proof line or even better, draw a circle around yourself! Hahahahahahaa....

There was one little sentence in the handouts that I circled. If one person wants to go to Africa and the other person to Liverpool, you're not compatible in terms of where your mission field is (paraphrasing). I know a man who wanted to marry this woman but she was called to India and he was called to South East Asia. They're both still single and they're still friends as they support one another in their respective mission work. Is it not amazing when Christian brothers and sisters can support one another in that fashion? Putting Christ first. Even if I got married, Christ would be the head of everything. I'm not sure how that would work out if hubby says one thing and the Bible says another but I guess that's where being yoked with a believer comes in. Yoked. Sounds pretty bad. Yoked for life. Do you bla bla bla, take yatta yatta yatta, to yoke for life?

But being yoked would again tally with the wife being the helper bit. Sure you'll step on one another's toes from time to time, sure you'll think he or she keeps on knocking you or is not doing his or her job well enough, but if the master's happy then why, oh Longhorn are you so blue? At the end of the day, you would both be heading in the same direction according to the Master's will - no worries about which way to go if you're yoked and you're submitting to the Master, you'd both work towards a shared goal, you'd both go into the same shed to rest together and you'd both save on telephone bills cause then you'll be living in the same house :) Quite a nice picture actually. Loads of hard work if you want to compare that with a free roaming mustang cause accountability to one another as well as to God would be crucial, but with the mustang, it's everyone to himself.

I HAD to use animal analogies! It's a Debbie thing. it's so easy to explain things in animal terms. Maybe you're all scratching your heads right now but it makes perfect sense to me.

I can't believe it! All that talk and that's only one point! Argh, will rattle the rest of my day point blank.
. Aimee at 2.10
. Chloe, Joanna and Elena at 3.30
. Estate agent and Jamie's house at 4.45
. Dinner with Priss sometime tonight

Let's keep on keeping on together in Christ.

Tuesday, June 01, 2004

A little more time to Jude time and I'm sweating it out - no, not at the gym; doh obviously. has anyone heard of the treadmill with an inbuilt laptop? And even if one were created, it wouldn't be at K4 - at the Strand. It's a boiling day. I'm in pigtails right now - decided to have a change from my longish strangly hair. It's a 'practice' thing for when I go to Serbia. I wanted to get my hair crew cut but several people disputed that so I decided not to. Met Aimee on my way here, whom I'll be seeing for lunch/ tea/ coffee/ cake tomoz at 3pm. Have contacted Ludlow and Thompson and now the ball's in their court to get back to me. However, very little will stop me from climbing over the net, going into their court and bashing the ball into their racket again and again in order for them to send it back to me. I want that place! Or better :) Debbie with a vengeance *snarrrl*. I feel like having a plate of gorgeous seafood tagliatelle at Bertorelli so if anyone's interested to have an Italiano meal with me, buzz me. I try not to forget when I'm having dinner with who but once in a while when I forget to write it down on tissue paper, I get this sinking feeling that I'm due somewhere but don't know where and therefore, thinking it's nothing, make other plans that clash with my previous engagement. Oh-uh. Sorry :( I should start a dinner diary. Have to go see Jude now.
Here's another one that's so uncanny, it's funny!!!!!



From Go-Quiz.com

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

Desperate is just about right, Energetic and Bouncy; spot-on, Orderly and Refined are laughable, Astounding - thank you very much and Handsome is puzzling.
The first of June - homie Voon's birthday; Happy Birthday!!!! It's also Gawai, which is the Sarawak natives' equivalent of New Year. Lasts for about a week and with it lots of lemang (bamboo rice), tuak (rice wine), rendang (beef curry native style) and a hoard of other succulent dishes and sweet cakes. The celebration not only invites reasons to satisfy food cravings but also encourages the presence of friends populating other people's houses except their own as we go round visiting everyone and anyone, packed as squished sardines into cars - the most we managed to fit in was 14 people into a car meant for 5. The whole community thing is very special and I do miss it somewhat as friends tend to bond especially during times such as those - loads of fun and less resposibilities. And we don't just celebrate Gawai. New Year, Chinese New Year, Hari Raya (Malay New Year) and Christmas - any reason for us to get together and have a laugh. It's far more community orientated than Christmases in England. Christmas in England is family time where people go back to see their parents/ grandparents etc.

I might go back to see my folks this Christmas. Not sure yet but since this year would be my fourth Christmas here without really 'celebrating' it, I guess I don't want to lose the 'specialness' of the season and grow 'rusty' and 'crusty' towards it. On one hand, the real reason of Christmas is Christ coming to die for us should be in the fore-front of our minds. However, there's no point being a Grinch at Christmas, withholding presents and going round telling children that Santa Claus doesn't exist and condemning it as 'pagan'. Hehehehehehe.....

About yesterday...
Got back from Jude's after a huge kebab, 3 cans of Diet Coke, several pieces of chocolate and Robin Hood; Men in Tights - hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha *snort*.
Saw Jamie's house and I love it! Unabashedly. All doubles and one bedroom in particular on the ground floor would fit in perfectly with my happy African theme/ deco/ mad funhouse. Am getting on Ludlow Thompson's case right now, to get a foot into the door and hopefully if I scream loudly enough, they'll let me in. I wish... I wish... Enough wishing - if you want something, go for it. Unless it has legs and a mind of its own, don't bother waiting for it to come to you. Cats never do - unless you pretend to ignore them, then they come purring and chuffing away *rrrrrrr*.

List of things to do on Tuesday, in chronological order:
1) Ring Serbian embassy to set an appointment to stamp passport with visa.
2) Ring Ludlow and Thompson to ask about house.
3) Ring St Thomas' Hospital.
4) Gym.
5) 1-2-1 with Jude.
6) CU.
7) Possibly pub, if I'm in a happy mood.

I'll be awake hopefully by 9am to do all the above. "There is life before 4pm," as Jude said to me today. The thing is, I like to roll about my room doodling and mincing around until about 4am so naturally, it'll be hard for me to get up at 7am. For instance, right now, at this point in time, where some people if not most, are asleep, I am wide-eyed and raring to go - only, there is nowhere to go so I usually end up spending time on brain productivity rather than activity. At the rate it's currently going, I estimate that this ongoing process of brain stimulation will cause me to over time transform, from Pinky to the Brain, from narf to navicularis, from chasing butterflies to buttering flies and flying butter. I don't think I'm quite there yet though, so all's well, for now.

It's weird that in the course of 2 consecutive days, 2 random people have asked me about nursing. The random guy I met today on the way to Jamie's, whose name is George by the way, actually asked me if I were a nurse. Do I look like one? Does one need a certain 'look' to be a nurse? In the Bible, the name Deborah was 'featured' twice - as Rebekah's nurse and more 'famously', as a judge sitting under a palm tree; which would be ideal, don't you think? I want a palm tree in my bedroom - so maybe I've been looking at the wrong 'namesake' all along. Oh well... Nurse Debbie? Judge Bebo? Babs? Hmmm..... at least it's nice to know I look like I could possibly care for someone and am not some reckless oopsy-doopsy person who might probably inject the wrong thing into the wrong vein or cut off your air supply by mistake (gross negligence). Cool. One more step towards gentleness. One more step towards Godliness?