Sunday, May 30, 2004

I couldn't email yesterday since all the comps in the Uni were down :( as a result, my brain got overpacked with blogging info and I woke up with a headache this morning. Pressure, density, compression... hah, I might be able to pass it off as a physics student - even though all I really learned about in Physics classes comprised how to see camels in the dessert due to the ultra-cool thing called a mirage and how sound travels the same way a slinky does. So yeah, I learned from 'Who wants to be a Millionaire' last night that 'The Motion Law' was founded by Isaac Newton. To think, I thought all he discovered were falling apples and something about the earth being the centre of our Universe, which Einstein proved wrong! I'm going to call my dog Einstein in the future. Einstein, Sharky, Moose, Jerry-lee... Saw a Doberman and an Alsation in Hyde park on Friday when I went out with Sarah. The 11-year old Alsation's name was Bear and I gave him a cuddle-wuddle. Ooooh, who's the cute poochy-woochy? If he (Bear) understood, I doubt he would have been incredibly pleased with my sappy gushiness. We also saw police horses, which we trailed for a little way. The clip-clop of the horses feet is enough to make me feel drowsy.

Saturday. Went to the Vauxhall animal farm with Sarah and Adam in the afternoon. Unfortunately, we weren't allowed to feed the horses but they smelt sooo good. I don't think my dad or most of the world for that matter would have agreed with me but #it doesn't matter#. Horses, pigs, goats, donkeys and huge Banham rooster called Bruce who had such a plummage, he looked as though he had mocassins, to name a few. Bigger then a small dog or full sized cat, Bruce was. Birds are nasty. Unpredictable, pokey, uncuddly, itchy and they let all go without warning. We then walked back in the hot, hot sun to Waterloo.

Adam and I then met Ruth on our way to the FWB PAWS room. We were supposed to log on for about 2 odd hours but the comps weren't working both in the PAWS room and in the library so the three of us 'trudged' to the Strand but the comps weren't working there either. No point sitting aroud then. We said goodbye to Ruth and then went to Tesco to pick up a watermelon. We came back with tea-biscuits cos we couldn't find a watermelon and the pineapples didn't look great. Met up with Carly and then went to her place for BBQ at 6pm, stopping by at Sainsburys to pick up, among other things, a bottle of Portugese Rose.

On Saturday, I was 'enlightened' that Serbia is actually a blazing hot place, as opposed to what I thought would be a nice, cool, mountainy area. Time for a change of planned wardrobe. The last time I went to a place anywhere near 40 degrees was when I went to Canberra. Felt sick the whole day, was in a grumpy mood and that night, dreamt that evil Transformers were trying to kill me. So Serbia should be interesting. I'm also going to stop by Calais on the way so yippee! Will be going to France this year after all! Plus Germany, Austria, Hungary... fun, fun, fun. I also saw a picture of the 'crazy woman' Holty kept on talking about. Okay, fine, he didn't keep on talking about her but she got stuck in my head anyhow. I think we'll get on just fine. Another bit of info that shocked my system was the supposed getting up at what time???? to catch the coach at 5:30am... I will survive.

Am going to see Jamie's place in East Dulwich on Monday to see if I like it. Am a bit blur now on the housing and job front but hopefully things will look brighter as the days wear on. Tomorrow night's also kebab night at Jude's so if anyone fancies a kebab, come along.

Met Lizzie's fiance, Michael, for the first time yesterday and one of the first things he said to me was that horses smelt of manure... Also met Pete Myers - another person from the McCheyne plan whom I know via email but never met before until yesternight. Cool.

Am trying to decide now whether I'll be going to the gym after this or back home to read my Bible. It's too hot for the gym although I paid for it and I've got quite a bit of reading to do. Hmmm.... as long as I leave 2 hours to wash up and then start the trek to St Helens, I have about an hour and a half.

IT'S SUCH A HOT DAY!!!!!!

Friday, May 28, 2004

It's great being Malaysian. Great food, great air-conditioning, and best of all, no need for visa transit process ladidada when I go to Serbia via France, Germany, Hungary and Austria. Well, I haven't quite checked out France and I'll definitely need a visa for Serbia but at least not needing it for the other countries will save me at least... hmmm... money is crude. Did I mention great food? Gastric juices running, saliver dripping, enzymes crying....

Haven't found time to eat the whole day since I cat-stretched from my bed at about 8.30 this morning, except when I stopped briefly at the bank where I happily assumed my consumer rights and popped a Topic and a Galaxy Truffle to satisfy my hunger pangs. Couldn't sleep last night so completed one of those soap opera-ish crossword puzzles about Coronation Street and the latest singers bla bla bla. I'm 'sadder' than I thought I was. I could answer them all. Am off to send in my answers so that hopefully, I'll be in the draw for a 250 quid spending spree at Marks and Sparks. That will help sooo much.

There's a new input under Drool. Think Ben and Jerrys. More love, less handle :) I like love handles...

Spring is dangerous for my nasal passage. Got clogged up the whole time I was at Belgrave cos all the embassies want pretty flowers and deadly pollen around to make their country seem more politically appealing. Saw a dog while at Belgrave between my journey from the Hungarian embassy to the bus stop. But my sinuses were running wild which left me doing an "Oh wow, Oh wow" interrupted by loud, explosive, spasmodic involuntary action. At least I got a smile from the nice lady. and if the dog weren't muzzled, I'd bet it would smile too. Got lost several times, which made my journey slightly longer than I would have liked it to be. Turned the map upside down and brought it right up to my nose, hoping the images would suddenly jump out at me in 3D style. Used my destination as the 'north' - like a compass. That's the onyl way I read maps; like a compass.

I think I might lose a tooth soon if I don't get a job to get an NHS dentist to fill or extract or whatever they do. And not one at the back either. In fact, it's the tooth right next to the two big teeth in front, on the right. Have to go find my disk now. Gracie left it in one of the PAWS rooms so I really hope it's still there.
Was talking to God over my mobile just now when Adam gave me a buzz and scared the Ben and Jerry's out of me.

Thursday, May 27, 2004

Am feeling much better as opposed to my hit-rock-bottom self yesterday. Will be going to Sainsburys to get myself a Loot magazine, will be calling agents and landlords again and hopefully, will find a job. Went for a long walk just now along the Thames (which gleefully, I can finally pronounce without going through the torture of wondering whether to enuciate the 'th' sound or the 'tae' sound). Steven from St Helens told me on Sunday that it was like saying 'temps' without the 'p' sound, which makes much more sense.

Small group tonight and after that, who knows. My Thai dinner with Vow has been postponed to either Friday or Saturday due to unforseen circumstances.

Not much to say. Am actually physically and everything else drained right now so I'll snip the line and snap off for now.
Psalm 31:9 - 10
Be merciful to me, O LORD , for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief.
My life is consumed by anguish
and my years by groaning;
my strength fails because of my affliction,
and my bones grow weak.


Things in the past are now taking its toll. A tiny speck from the atmosphere floats lightly to a mountain peak; another pretty and delicate flake to add to the beauty of Snowdonia. It gathers with other flakes, gently slouching into an unimpressive patch. A wave of the hand and the patch starts at first sliding and then rolling, down the gradual slope, building up momentum as it goes along, as though an invisible skier is guiding the snow in its wake. Finally, when it can no longer hold itself together its own natural strength and the explosive energy within needs to be released; avalanche, a monster created by its own natural device. Lives are lost in the blizzard, friendships are made perfect in death, the temporal are proved temporal and the strained strands of human compassion suddenly become the strongest bond ever forged.

"History will repeat itself, first as tragedy, then as farce."

In the light of the here and now, History will indeed repeat itself, but not as farce rather, as tragedy all over again. Who can laugh in the face of true tragedy? The claims of wicked, mortal men for the ever after, the unfulfilled dreams of the never again and the wistfulness of the if only. If an added degree of tragedy be determined for every time tragedy reoccurs, one would feel faint at the trouble of the heart and question if life be worth living. But do not end just looking into the pit, for where there is despair, there is also hope, if not for now, then surely for the future. Should we not look to where our hope lies?

Psalm 121:1 - 2
I lift up my eyes to the hills-
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD ,
the Maker of heaven and earth.


As we struggle and as heartache strikes the very core of our innermost being as grief pierces the soul, crippling even our conscious desire to worship, know that God is holding on. What other reason can there be for a heart and will so delicate yet so wondrous other than someone created it and is lovingly sustaining it? What other reason can be given when people still cling desperately to hope with every fibre of their being and cry out incoherently because their grief can no longer be expressed in words when all seems wrenched away in one cruel blow, other than they have someone more powerful than death to cling to? Why are people so blind, that they cannot see that even as everyday disasters are splashed across the news, God is calling His people back to Him. Their hearts are hard. Stubborn. Dead.

On a lighter note, I went out with Joanna and Chloe today but since my appetite got lost in the woods over the last few days, I had about three quarters of a muffin for lunch, but then I did have about 3 tablespoons of Phish-food from Ben+Jerry's before that. Returned Joe's last-year papers and chilled with Tara and Lauren as well. Hung around listening to Matt Redman while reading the Psalms and then went home to stare into space. Am having dinner with Vow tomorrow night - authentic green Thai curry. Give me a buzz if you're free - email or call. By the way, I'll try to get up before 10 tomorrow.

Wednesday, May 26, 2004

Was at CU about 5 hours ago (yesterday by the time this gets out). Have been having, on average, 12 hours a day worth of sleep for the past week - my snooze button has been deactivated while I get some much needed rest - and so, if you get my voicemail before 12 noon, which by the way, says I'm either busy or sleeping, I'll probably be in the latter category. this won't last cos if I am looking for a job that will have me up at 7am to get there by 9am kind of thing. Unless you have made plans to meet me before 12 (and if you do, I will be punctual, even if I have to drag my feet away from the comfort of my bed at 5am), the other 12 hours I spend, over a period of time;

1) Cleaning my act up, spiritually, psychologically, intellectually, emotionally and physically.
2) Cooking or eating the night before's leftovers.
3) Dancing on furniture.
4) Coming up with random and not so random songs while strumming my guitar.
5) Blogging.
6) Reading books and stuff on the Internet.
7) Wondering why there aren't any more mashmallows flying outside my window.
8) Chillin' with my pals.
9) Planning dinners.
10) Planning holidays over the summer and beyond.
11) Finding a house.
12) Finding a job/ jobs.
13) Catching up with the good, bad and ugly in peeps' lives.
14) Trying to pencil in a time to go get some unfortunate spectacles - my current suspect for the dreadful headaches I've been getting lately.
15) Gymming.
16) Horse watching/ feeding.
16) Hacking.
17) Max time - Max is a dog.
18) Finding boxes to house my stuff.
19) Getting huggles.
20) Putting up new stuff on my post-it board.

That's all I can think of for now. I had to use specs before - when I was 6 - but I didn't like them. Firstly, cos the frames were pink - I can't believe I actually thought that pink was nice as frames - and secondly, because my nose bridge is virtually non-existent, I hated having to keep pushing my eye-goggles back up to be able to see through them! It ended its short-lived life when I broke one of the lenses by pushing it forcefully through the frame. I survived about 10 years without specs, getting presumably, slightly more myopic everyday. Finally at 16, I decided to get another pair of specs, this time gold rimmed - as you can probably tell, my choice of colour caused some to wonder whether I was colour blind instead. On top of being told that I was far-sighted and not myopic as previously assumed, astigmatism was added to the cart, which meant contact lenses would cost a big, big bomb. Great. The specs stayed on my nose (or at least tried to) for the next year or so, after which I got tired having to carry an extra case around for them. Wore them occasioanlly during my A-level years to 'look smart' - teacher's pet - but they eventually found a place at the back of the cupboard, never to be used again. Hopefully, my new pair (if I get a new pair) will be technologically enhanced ie it will manage to stay on my non-existent bridge. And the colour scheme? I'm quite into purple at the moment...

Cleaning up my act. We all need to do that. There are just days when I feel as broken as I am and where clinging to God is the best thing I can do and where the knowledge and assurance that He is clinging to me harder than I can ever know is the sweetest and purest blessing in the world. None in the world can offer or deliver the same awesome majesty and compassion of our God, the Living God. Not even close. Hah! I wonder, if we cling too hard, will we get blistered hands?

Psalm 34:8
Taste and see that the LORD is good; blessed is the man who takes refuge in him.


Was walking over Waterloo Bridge today and really needed to talk to God aloud - one could call it an erratic compulsive fit - but I didn't want to just talk to myself and end up like those people muttering into their 'hands-free' sets, which I actually find slightly annoying. So I flipped open my mobile, dialled Heaven and had a good, long chat with God over the phone :) No busy signal there!

Got spit-spat on twice this week - accidentally, naturally. Once was at St Helen's and once at CU. Sigh... time to hoist up the umbrella and leave it on its stand. When it rains... it pours.

Have been considering becoming a British citizen to ease politically related things but am looking at short-term as well as long-term goals so that front's not confirmed. Jude said if I wanted to be a missionary in an Islamic country, then my Malaysian passport might actually work in my favour, which I'm quite excited by. However, if Europe (inc. Britain) is to be (and currently is) my mission field, then a British passport would be more convenient. For the next five years, I hope to be in London, taking up either a Theology degree or training after two more years of my Law degree as well as spending time at St Peter's Barge and sharing Marcus Nodder's vision (Marcus is the 'pastor' of St Peter's) of bringing more and more people into the Church of God. I'm still in contact with the various mission oraganisations I have joined and hopefully in time, I'll be able to join them as a full-time mission worker. Everything is so exciting and the excitement is great in that it's all about God - Purpose Driven Life, chapter 1. Contrast that with stuff surrounding me, me, me. Hehehehehehehe.....

#Oh Lord,
You're all I want,
You're all I've ever needed,
You're all I want,
Help me know You are near.#

Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Before I say anything else, you peeps HAVE to go on this site Bang On The Door. It's such a cool site. Please be a sport and join in - releasing those exam vibes and fishing up happy ones :)

Had my first gyming session today since I left my old gym about a year and a bit ago. Thought I could just pick up where I left off with my usual intense routine but 2 minutes on the cycling machine told me otherwise. I bounced about - it's so relaxing to just bounce away, pretending to exercise - on the giant rubber ball, cycled several miles, climbed a 60-storey building, crunched abs - which left me gasping and stretched hamstring and quad muscles. 2 hours later, I was pumped - pumped flat out, that is. The one good thing was that previously, I was not able to use the cycling machine cos I couldn't reach the pedals and now I can :) Subtle growth? Hahahahahahaha... that was fast. Also the music in the gym wasn't loud enough. I need it blaring away so that the whirring of other machines or people going *huff*puff*huff*puff* don't get on my nerves. On top of that, a cricket match was on. I'll remember to bring in some music tomorrow. Yup, will be going everyday for the next month. After all, that's what I'm paying for and after having had a scrummy dinner tonight, courtesy of Priss Ltd, I'll need to scrape up more stamina to burn the pasta.

Monday, May 24, 2004

Got this off an email someone sent me so am gonna share this with you. Sooo funny, sooo true, sooo cool. How many more soooo's can I come up with?
P/s: Remember that this is a joke, well, kind off. There's no dissing God here so when the text says eg, God working overtime, you know what it means and it's not saying that God can actually work over time.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
THE ONE FLAW IN WOMEN:

By the time the Lord made woman, he was into his sixth day of working
overtime. An angel appeared and said, "Why are you spending so much time
on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be
completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all
replaceable and able to run on diet coke and leftovers, have a lap that
can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything
from a scraped knee to a broken heart-and she will do everything with only
two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands!? No way!

And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day.

Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this
creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when
she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so
soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have
no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?", asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to
reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's
cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you
that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!" "What's the tear
for?" the angel asked.
The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her
pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her
pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of
everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is! Women have strengths that amaze men. They bear hardships and
they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy. They smile when
they want to scream. They sing when they want to cry. They cry when they
are happy and laugh when they are nervous. They fight for what they
believe in. They stand up to injustice. They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution. They go without so their
family can have.They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.They love
unconditionally.They cry when their children excel and cheer when their
friends get awards.They are happy when they hear about a birth or a
wedding.Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left. They know that a hug and a kiss can heal
a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors. They'll drive, fly, walk, run
or e-mail you to show how much they care about you. The heart of a woman
is what makes the world keep turning. They bring joy, hope and love. They
have compassion and ideals. They give moral support to their family and
friends. Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR
WORTH.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
All ye sweethearts and sweetcheeks and sweetpeas out there, even if you don't invest in a 'Because you're worth it' L'o'real (where should I put the apostrophe?) product, you're still worth it! Yes men, you're worth it too :)

Sunday, May 23, 2004

Woke up with a migraine and aching joints at 7:30 this morning. It seems like while I was wrestling in my dreams last night, trying to pulverize my opponent, squeezing him into a prison the size of a matchbox, in reality, my opponent was my own good self yanking at my own arm, trying to break my own knee caps... Talk about split personality. So my arm's in a right twist at the moment. Every movement feels like a disjointed bone and I am wondering whether my arm will snap soon. Cracked my spine and for a split second couldn't really stand up, which was quite scary but now it's okay :) Got an extra, unplanned for, 5 hours sleep to work off the migraine - I don't like taking pills. Decided to drench myself in a cold shower to cool down. I like the pressure of the shower on my neck and back - helps ease the tension, even if it aint no power shower.

What else did I dream of last night? Hahahahaha... dreamt I was driving an underground train. Then somewhere in the middle of India (don't ask me how I got there - I have no control over my dreams), the train went off the rails and I nearly killed a black kitten, which happened to be playing in a cabbage patch. Do they grow cabbages in India? Luckily, no one got hurt. There have been occasions where lots of people die in my dreams, which naturally makes me restless when I wake up. I have died in my own dreams millions of times. It's like that cartoon Southpark(?) where there's this guy in an orange hoodie called Kenny and I think he dies in almost every series and then comes back to life again. I remember some of my dreams, which is nice. At least I can connect my sub conscious mind to my conscious mind and am not living in two separate worlds altogether.

Am still looking for houses and jobs - yes, I will persevere until the very end. Elena's looking for accomodation at Mile End but I don't think we'll end up living there. Mile End. Sounds like The Green Mile or some war zone thing. Still not sure where to live. Do I widen the sphere I'm intending to stay in and take extra time travelling everyday or take the slightly risky option of insisting on staying within the designated area with less housing choice on the table? Am slightly stressed about it and it can be seen on my face. Either that, or my hormones and enzymes are having a field day, erupting into jubilation. I suddenly want a bar of chocolate... mmm... ooooh.... Katie taught me this new recipe of barbequed bananas stuffed with chocolate last night. Absolutely yummy.

My weight fluctuates like a ping pong (table tennis) ball being smacked back and forth. Was way underweight at 12 - a mousey 29kg - even for my height. Then I discovered good food :) Steadily increased til I 'ballooned' to a whopping 9 stone something. I discovered this thing called the gym and so, three months later (and 1000 calories a day spent at the gym), I fizzled down to 7 stone odd. But then exam time came round... I spent most time on my butt and so it sneakily crept back on, hitching a ride on exam time's brain food - carbonara pasta and sour cream on toast (again, don't ask why). Now, I'm a comfy 8 stoner (finally, an even number!) but yeah, more can be done to tone up and tone down so I'm gyming again.

Saturday, May 22, 2004

Went swimming with Carly and Joe yesterday at Wolfson house... or at least, they were swimming and I was gripping the edge of the pool and paddling in the shallow end. Did about 4 three-quarter laps (the last quarter went down to 3.1 meters - even a baby giraffe could drown there!) then started to panic as I do, so decided to sharpen my curiousity and observation skills by investigating the curious things that grow between the tiles at the bottom of the swimming pool (in the shallow end of course). It's not that I don't like the water - I love the water! I just need to know my feet can touch the ground at any time :) Being 4 foot 10 doesn't give me much of a scope either. Now, if I were 3.1 meters tall... spent the other half of my time lobstering myself in the sauna and wondering what I would do if my bum melted into the wood.. Cool - the sauna I mean, not the thought of my bum melting into the wood - ouch.

My dad, sis and now brother are the swimmers in the family. Never really saw my mom swim before so can't say. I always preferred clinging onto my aeroplane-shark float and drift - some romantic notion of being shipwrecked and a shark came to rescue me. Nearly drowned when I was about hmmm... 9? The experience has obviously left some imprint on me, especially since the person I trusted most in the pool at that moment in time, my coach, was too busy telling all the other (better) swimmers how to do this stroke and that stroke and forgot that lil me was still trying to get to the other side. So there I was in the middle of the pool telling God I was sorry for all the bad things I did cos I honestly believed I was going to die. Sank to the bottom of the pool, watched everyone's leggies paddle by in some sort of hazy, eerie, slow-moving slide show. Was suddenly whooshed out of the water. Not only was it bad enough that my coach didn't seem to care whatsoever that I could have gone *poof*, he demoted me!!!!! After all the trouble I went to telling him I wasn't ready to be 'promoted' to the next class or to go to 'the deep end,' he just casually brushed it away with his ego-filled, "It doesn't matter," "Don't worry" and "I'll help you ALL the way..." Liar. Grrrrr.... and I remembered that he smelt distinctly of smoke too. Bleeaackh. If I ever had to send my kids of to a 'coach' of any kind, I'll set a screening test so thick, the Home Office will be begging to have it. Double grrrr... Thinking back, I should have pretended to choke or gasp or something. Scare him to Timbuktu. A wasted opportunity.

Anyhoo, back to the future... will be going to Katie's tonight for BBQ. I think I've mentioned this about 3 times now. Am going to Tesco to do my shopping and to get some food for the BBQ. Have lined up 'functions' from yesterday til Thursday, most of which, involves food. Did my laundry at 5pm and collected it at 11pm cos was at Carly's watching the penultimate of Friends whilst chomping on Malteasers and Cadbury somethings after swimming. Met her mom... "Hello Mrs Hull" and was greeted with "Ooooh, you're so small." Reader, I was wearing heels. Hehehehehe.

Had a collection of bizzare dreams last night but then, my dreams are always pretty intense. Will see some of you tonight and the rest in Idaho.

Friday, May 21, 2004

It's been ages since I did my laundry - cos I only dunk the bulky stuff like jeans, shirts, sweaters and towels into the machine. Everything else I hand wash so it doesn't sound as bad as I think it does. anyway, opened a new box of washing powder and wanted to smell what it was like (cos it didn't say on the box). Tore the flap as instructed and for some reason, please help my sanity, I took a huge sniff of it through the hole in the box. Bad idea. My head is clogged up with white powdery stuff floating and mingling with my grey cells, making them slghtly less dark grey and more light grey. I don't think I'm too far away from a cocaine induced head rush. Ouch. At the same time it feels like I've got a furball stuck down my throat and I'm trying to snort and chuff it out.

Slept throught the fire alarm this morning. Oh yeah, I heard it, but was just too tired to get up, much less walk down the stairs and end up drowzing in the courtyard where the shrill of the drill would get to me anyway. Bed's always nice.

Joined the gym as well - so that's another thing ticked off my list. Will be going to Tesco tomorrow and might probably bring someone out for dinner tongiht - haven't decided who yet - for fun. Am feeling slight fuzzy happy, rather than hazy moody.
It's past 1am and I've been browsing and grazing (moo!) for about 2 hours odd now so decided to drop a little note in. Got a whole list of houses and jobs in my hand right now so life in that compartment looks slightly better. I have another chance to get a place in Claylands Road (a house this time) but only time will tell if I will really get it and make the chip man my friend. At least the shelves are filled, even if I might have to restock them another time.

Looked up Jay Smith's 101 Contradictions (between Islam and Christianity) but couldn't really find it... so read something similar to it... unless I did but didn't realise it was what I wanted to find. so, that fills up the knowledge compartemnt some. Saw a red disk in the PAWS room and for a split second, thought I had found my lost disk but it wasn't to be. Priss and Jude gave me ideas of what to do in order to fill up all this 'extra' time I seem to have. I wouldn't tell just yet but if you're within the realm of London, look out for me peering above a fence, hiding behind a wall, sculking about the bushes... hehehehehehehe. Something to revive my funny cells from its rather dormant state.

Olly encouraged me by saying he was doing reading ie reading Christian books during his free time so yup, back to the everlasting word of God. Priorities appropriately sorted and stacked. I know (roughly) what I will involved in next month or next year but what about tomorrow? Ahhh... do not look frantically ahead. Enjoy today. All the steps leading up to tomorrow will have to start today so today is just as important as tomorrow, if not more important (arguably becasue contrary to the James bond flick, Tomorrow Never Dies, it is possible for tomorrow to die. In fact it is possible for tommorow not to even exist, so let us all be aware of that).

Folks back home, update me when you can. Am missing Malaysian food, my brother and a car to race along Jalan Song with random people I don't know. Peeps in KEC(SIB), be nice to my brother even when he punches you - it's in the blood. I need to come up for a collective name for London folk... Westies? Sounds dubiously like Westlife fans but... yeah, maybe you'll grow fond of it. So here's to seeing me off to bed for a nice long snoozle and to making up new and random words. Snaff off.

Thursday, May 20, 2004

If there were one word to describe me, I would have a pretty wide selection to choose from - hazy, foggy, spaced-out, vacant, blur, clueless, 'drunk', bordering myopic (which I actually am, although that word is reserved for Jo's use), ditzy, hay-feverish... it seems like everything has been going in slow motion from the moment I got up this morning (other days inclusive). Wandered around Waterloo with Sarah Bear as she prepared to go home *sniff* and was deciding on who to call to give a good yell to from when small Group finished. Pete, you might be glad to know that your name did suffice. Hope Max enjoyed the snackeroos... But then, even as I decided who I could ring, there existed the whole on one hand, on the other hand scenario I have to take into consideration. Bla. Just lock me away.

WHY DO I KEEP ON ANALYSING EVERYTHING??????

It's not easy being me *sigh*. The more I know, the more I analyse. At this rate, best not to know anything. Ignorance is bliss. So true, you have no idea. Katie just rang me up. BBQ this Saturday folks, for those of you who are basking in the summer HEAT of the here and now. 7pm at Lings Coppice. I'll be there. It's fine if I'm in busy London and there's tonnes to do all around - then I'm happily exercising my efficiency (might as well embrace it). But once I get out of the 'Just do something' mode of busy London, I go into a 'Grrr... leave me alone' mode, which does not work well when others are still hustling and bustling away, knocking me down, knocking me over and generally, just knocking me. That's when I need to retreat to a desert island of some sort and just growl away childishly, chasing sandstorms in a fury, tearing bits of random fluff into shreds and scratching my back Baloo-style on the bark of some ancient palm tree, singing 'Bear Necessities'.
Took Stef and Priss out for Chinese buffet in Chinatown. More about that when you scroll down... Tomoz will probably be going out with Jo and Chloe to watch Romeo and Juliet at the Globe after Big Small Group from 1-3pm and hopefully the day after will see me looking round a new place. Saturday I will be at Katie's for BBQ at 7 and Sunday will see me trotting off to St Helen's with Sarah and Letty for another round of Genesis. In between, I will try to get my laundry done, my hair washed, my fridge cleared and my passport stamped with a Serbian visa thing.

The nice thing about exams being over is that I can have my dozen or so hours of sleep a day, the bad thing - truly horrible this is - is that I do not really know what to do with my time. I don't have a job, internet time could possibly stretch to 4 or 5 hours if I will it to be, depending on what I'm looking for, making myself look for stuff and getting lost in medical jargon. I am about as fascinated by human anatomy as I am about beauty products - Body Shop, to name one. Forget Vogue magazines or fancy buffer shops that sell products I cannot pronounce, Superdrug or the 'clinical' section of Tesco is enough to get me started.

Could always read and reread Grudem and the new books I received for my birthday, as well as the Phantom of the Opera, Dorian Gray, The Rainbow Garden, Swimming Pool Library, Purpose Driven Life and True Worship, to name a few. Could always stack up my strangled library with new stuff... wouldn't hurt. I saw Deany buying more books than the average person last week at St Helen's. I'm sure he's got a truckload at home... Might just go purchase some books this Sunday... make friends with Phil - did I remember correctly? - the book-keeper, in the process.

Human anatomy... scientifically speaking, I assume it will be untrue to say that we can be blown to unrealistic proportions. But I'm not scientific and that is exactly what I said to Priss and Stef whilst rubbing my 'swollen abdomen' - I know the phrase usually relates to pregnant women but you have to see how 'big' I got to believe it. Gigantism, to which when I asked if she understood, Stef nodded and said, "like a mountain." Cool. By the way, on the way back, we met Sarah and Jenny (people from International Cafe) in Chinatown. At this point I was still holding my tummy cos I seriously felt like it was going to expand like a hot air balloon if I released pressure. Sarah said that I looked like a pregnant woman *sigh* to which I resignly replied that at least it was proportionate to my bum.... the ankles are gonna be targeted next...

Drew bits of biology that I remembered from High School. Digestive tract (human), digestive tract (cow), digestive tract (rabbit), digestive tract (horse and goat), plant cells, animal cells, leaf structural diagrams and the heart. Love biology... so many pictures... if only everything could be answered in pictures. Unfortunately, my examiner wanted more. Whatever happened to a picture is worth a thousand words??

To add other info bits of what I'll be up to over the summer now that I'm thinking of it; will not be going to France this academic year (neither Calais nor the Oakhall trip) but will probably do next year, will be wistfully gazing out at sea on Dover beach or at lowing Longhorns as far into the countryside as I can possibly go sometime before going off to Serbia - a bound copy of Matthew Arnold clutched in my hand and music blazing from my headphones, trying to make my old woman by the seaside dream a reality... hehehe... and might take a trip down to Pembrokeshire, Wales, to ride horses and muck out for a week. I'm trying to sort all my 'holidays' and trips so that they all fall before the Serbia trip so that I'm left with the entire 'summer' to work full time.

Post script: I know this might sound hilarious to some, but I've just realised how small I really am! Not just "I know I'm small" but "Oh man, I'm small!"

Wednesday, May 19, 2004

It has been another 2 days since my fingers last ran lovingly-amok across the keyboard in the PAWS room, touch typing in memos of sweet nothings and hazy recollections.... and really, they are sweet nothings.

Saw a house today with Jo, Sarah and Elena. Good sized bedrooms, flushable toilets, nice garden, nice garden furniture... full length mirror, Kill Bill posters and coffee maker. doesnt 'feel' right though and the landlady - although she clearly knew what she was doing, fell between the sinisterly efficient and the patronizingly 'good'. Hopefully there'll be other houses on the way and at this very moment, Elena and I are type, type, typing away to look up more property stuff. it is what most people would call a hassle. It is quite worrying when the contract papers are shoved my way just because I happen to be a law student. Note: It is possible that I could fail. At least I know to look out for dodgy exclusion clauses...

Hay fever has hit again, this time taking with it my complex and intrinsic nasal functions and rabbit eyesight. Flower power has never rung so true before. There is a throbbing in my temple - moles drilling burrows undeground - which feels as though scavenger bugs featured in The Mummy and The Mummy Returns are eating away at my flesh inside out.

I have developed a sudden urge for chocolate milk or milkshake... hmmm... nah, the urge has always been there - a suppressed urge is a dangerous one.

Monday, May 17, 2004

I've been away from my bloggie 2 days and am bursting with news from everywhere!!!! In Homie-land, Sue is due at the end of June, Alison is 3 months, Karen's getting married in June and Disney and Tanya in December! Everyone's changing and the world is still turning...

In jolly ol England, I saw Naomi and Johnny's car yesterday - blue BMW - classic. Got new sandals and my toes are all now individually wrapped in plasters... raw, sore and red. Am still looking for a house, a job/ jobs - anything goes, a holiday... Am trying to get my visa sorted for Serbia and hopefully will get to go to France as a helper in another mission trip that will be held there. More stuff on the mission front a few paragraphs down...

The way things are going with change, I'll either see myself at the 'end of days' being a 'Joey'(from Friends), with all my pals married and adopting a duck or chicken (or both with several dogs, cows, sheep...), or hopefully, will end up a wise sage, who owns a wooden house and dances on the beach every evening, banging my grey and wispy haired head to loud music I can no longer hear, with huge, ear-muff-like headphones that look like they're gonna fall off at any moment at dressed in some era long gone. Hahahahahaha... oh, that's sweet. Will probably be the village grandmother in some fishing village as opposed to getting my young flesh eaten by a lion in the Okavango.

The reason why I want a house within relatively near distance ie strategically close to where ever is that I want to have as many evangelistic dinners as God will allow at the new 'location.' The saying 'the way to a man's heart is through is stomach' I'm sure, is true of any human being and so, hopefully whilst prayers open their hearts the food will satisfy their stomachs. Practical reasons as well as spiritual - the spirit is willing but the body is weak. A proper house to hang out, a proper atmosphere to discuss stuff, a place to chill. Yeah. Although it has to be said, I have to learn not to be over eager... could find that I've bought too much cake and can't swallow it all. Delegated responsibilty? It's hard to let go but I pray I will be able to trust others enough who might want to take part in this 'venture' which I assure you, will be more enriching that creamy, full-fat Haagen Dazs.

Being philosophical now, change is the one thing that is unchangeable. Thank goodness, no, thank God, He is unchangeable. How can anyone find an anchor in the changeable? Aaahhh, life is good when I know I am gripped by His grace :) It suddenly hit me a few days back while I was on the bus to Lewisham that when we say 'I will not be shaken,' it goes beyond standing firm. This whole universe will be shaken, torn down, burned and purged in angry fire. The physical will perish. The things we can see and touch and hear now will die away. The things we can grasp in our hands will be no more. Only the things we cannot see, the thoughts we cannot absolutely define, the truth the fallen world does not abide by and the fragile strands of hope and faith will stand firm. Only our faith in Christ will not be shaken. Ironic, that the things based on human weakness - our faith and hope and the grace and mercy that pursues us from His hand - will indeed be our strength when the King comes to take His throne again.

At St Helen's yesterday, I learnt that Cain's name means 'I have achieved' whilst Abel's means 'meaningless' or 'nothing.' It's no wonder God laughs at into the face of wicked men and those who believe they can achieve on their own. All that men have achieved on this earth - the how many million mega-giga-nano byte stuff, the supersonic jets, the hot air balloons... - is nothing compared to the peace and mercy offered by God, which is everything, which Jesus himself achieved on the Cross. Only Jesus can truly say, 'I have achieved' for He has conquered sin and death. So, for anyone to assume that he has achieved outside Christ is heading for certain death. That person should rightly be called a fool, but even then, not by us, who are not yet perfect, but by God who holds the man in contempt.

I will be at St Helens for the rest of summer to continue with the Genesis talks given by William Taylor. Come September, I have decided to join St Peter's Barge in one of the quays... West Indian Quay? St Peter's is a pioneering church and is aiming to plant a church in the area, starting with 50 people. Initially I thought that too many obstacles were in my way ie London Transport but then I realised it was just silly of me to refuse getting involved in what I have always wanted to do just because it wasn't in Africa, didn't have a whole lot of live animals around (there's a restaurant nearby) or that I do not have 'official' training. After all, what do I want for myself? To finish my degree, go to Oakhill/ Cornhill/ one of the hills... to get another degree/ training and church plant in rural areas - the more rural the better - the best place would be where cattle outnumber people. Sure, the Docklands isn't exactly rural but as far as the Christian population goes, it might as well be. God has plonked this opportunity right into my lap and to say no would be foolish. It is quite exciting now that I've finally made a decision about it. Makes things a little more clear and gives me a vision to work towards.

There, that was a nice juicy message. To peeps having exams, I am holding you up in prayer although I know that most of you are sane, stable people who would not necesarily get worked up into a mighty fenzy, feeding on your own panic thus, living in a vicious circle. My bones and muscles are aching again - maybe I need more milk and vitamin D3 (that means soaking in the sun's rays... that means having to sit in the sun... sigh).
Another quiz from my sis' blogger...

10 IMPORTANT THINGS INSIDE YOUR BACKPACK:
1. Scraps of paper to scribble email adds/ random info on
2. Medication
3. Pens
4. Mobile
5. Floppies
6. 'Life' gospels - in case I meet a random person at the bus stop
7. Tissue
8. Student ID card - for accomodation purposes else I'll be livin on the streets
9. Keys
10. Plasters

9 THINGS THAT YOU REALLY WANT NOW:
1. A 5 bedroom house for 400 a week
2. My laundry sorted
3. The sun to go to sleep
4. Winter
5. A cold bath
6. A porcupine
7. A well paying job
8. Daily bread
9. To go ice skating

8 OF YOUR FAVOURITE FOODS:
1. Chocolate banana milkshake
2. Chocolate milkshake
3. Haagen Dazs - cookies and cream
4. Chinese stir fry - Grandma's cooking
5. Tesco 8p value noodles
6. Potatoes any style
7. Naomi's cooking :)
8. Giant prawns

7 OF YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS:
1. Everyone
2. can
3. be
4. both
5. close
6. and
7. otherwise

6 OF YOUR FAVOURITE MOVIES:
1. Ever After
2. Beauty and the Beast
3. Beethoven II
4. Free Willy I
5. Dragon Heart
6. Mary Poppins - hahahahahahahaha

5 THINGS IN YOUR ROOM:
1. Bed with knobbly bits sticking out
2. Full length mirror
3. Grudem
4. Hair dryer
5. A pint of Haagen Dazs in the freezer

4 THINGS YOU ATE/DRANK TODAY:
1. Half a bar of Tesco dark chocolate
2. Water
3. Chicken + egg + corn
4. + brown rice

3 THINGS YOU COULDNT LIVE WITHOUT:
1. Random craziness
2. Insanity wibble flip flip
3. Acting positively upon absolute truth

2 THINGS YOU USUALLY READ(at 'home'):
1. Archies
2. Books about animals/ mission/ God/ classical stuff...

2 THINGS YOU USUALLY READ(in London):
1. Bible
2. Law books

1 PERSON YOU CAN'T FORGET:
Jesus.

Friday, May 14, 2004

#Over every thought,
Over every word,
May my life reflect,
The beauty of my LORD.#

I did a clueless, hazy waltz into the law exam hall today to face European Union law after 5 hours of sleep, which Joe told me he also did for Property. I was going to do an all-nighter but Priss came along and made me promise to sleep - never had to promise that before.. looking blankly at the paper, I rambled that EC law was fundamentally some relationship thing between the 'state' and the individual and applied that to everything. Sprinkled the word 'wedge' at one point cos I was thinking about potato wedges but it worked out ok. And so....

EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!!! At least, provincially speaking, til August :) Woo hoo!!!!

Big thank yous to people who have helped me get through this ultra panicked time; my folks, Joe, Carly, David, Cara, Priss, Jo, Sarah, Tara, Vow - for prayer, support, good food, text messages, grounding me, lending me CD players and CDs to unstress, and etc. Anyone I missed? Jesus has been my source of everything and He knows it and you all know it and so I will say it again.

#Hallelujah,
That's why we praise Him,
That's why we sing,
That's why we offer Him
Our everything,
That's why we bow down,
And worship this King,
Cos He gave His everything.#

When I study and listen to music at the same time, I have to sing the songs in my head in order to remember the information I learnt while listening to the songs. To that effect, I played and replayed about 20 songs several times over in my head during the course of my exam, which helped calm me down whilst twiddling my fingers in attempting the questions. I need to invest in a CD player.

My life will now comprise activities covering listening to the radio, dancing on furniture, shopping, gyming towards fitness and the London Marathon, Haagen Dazsing with Sarah, Jo and Priss and whoever else who wants to come along, finding and getting a house within decent distance from Uni, getting my passport stamped by the Serbian embassy, moving everything out of Stamford Street, moving everything (and more!) into where ever else, going to Serbia, getting a well-paid job, going round the coasts, studying... hahahahahahaha... hopefully catching up with some horses tomorrow at Kennington (Adam!!!!!), sitting in front of the television with a pint of Cookies and Cream Haagen Dazs... come and set our feet a dancing... lalalalala..

Am off to do more retail therapy and to make sure my travel card gets put to good use.

Thursday, May 13, 2004

I'm so proud of my bro. He's swimming in a competition some time soon!!!! It's cool he can swim :) Then he can bring me swimming... hahahahaha. Apparently his group's the 'Yellow' group called Salak, which means bark (as in woof woof bark) in Malay and their cheer is 'Come on Yellow, Come one Salak, We're gonna kick some butt.' Yeah.

On a more sombre note, the animalistic torture going on in Iraq is gut wrenching. I just don't know how to react anymore. On one hand, it's 'Hell' by human standards and angry voices are raised against it in indignant rage and fear. On the other hand, it can never, and will never compare in the slightest to the Hell at the end of days. Should we as Christians join in the angry voices whilst standing in a corner wringing our hands helplessly and crying out to God to stop the evil or do we aim for the higher call; to earnestly tell people about Christ in the hope that they might be saved from the rightful everlasting torture that will be imposed on those who choose to reject Christ. Evil will never end all our days on earth but it will not prevail. The Almighty will come to take His eternal throne and it that day, evil shall flee as darkness does from the light but for now what shall we do, as 'lights of the world' shining out?

#Men of faith rise up and sing,
Of a great and glorious King,
You are strong when you feel weak,
In your brokenness complete.

Rise up women of the truth,
Stand and sing to broken hearts,
Who can know the healing power,
Of an awesome King of love.#
Another quiz... might as well.

1. Ever been so drunk you blacked out?:
Nope.

2. Put a body part on fire for amusement?:
Yes. My hair - I wanted to fuse the ends.

3. Kept a secret from everyone?:
Doh.

4. Wanted to hook up with a friend?:
Dodgy question.

5. Ever thought an animated character was hot?:
If it were an animal... Robin Hood(fox), Khan - horse from Mulan, Pegasus, the
Beast, the dragon in Sleeping Beauty...

6. Had a New Kids on the Block tape?:
No, but had to listen to it cos my friends were 'into it' at the time.

7. Been on stage?
Yup. Love it.

8. Shampoo?:
For me, anything that works and doesn't smell of coconut.

9. Soap?
Don't use soap. I think people call it body wash...

10. Colour?:
Oooooh, tough cookie. Red, blue, lavender, green, pink (white and black are
tones, not colours) - as long as it aint yellow, I'm cool with it.

11. Day/Night?:
Night all the way. I love the dark!

12. Summer/Winter?:
Winter. Then I can snuggle and it's cold and dark at the same time. Bingo.

13. Fave TV series?:
Seinfield.

14. Fave Food:
Chocolate, spuds, pizza, giant prawns, lobsters (seafood in general), lamb, beef -
MEAT!!!!!! Iranian food, Nandos...

15. Fave Advert:
The Barclay's one with flying pigs, the Lloyd's one with the horses, the
Gaviscon one with the bull, the Marks and Spencer one with the rabbits and pigs
and horses and beach...

16. Fave Movies?:
Anything that borders the illogical.

RIGHT NOW...
17. Wearing?:
What I put on this morning.

18. Eating?:
The aftertaste of a tuna sandwich :p

19. Hair is?:
In need of a wash.

20. Drinking?:
I'm slobbering my saliva'...

21. Thinking about?:
Jesus.

22. Listening to?:
#We cry holy, holy, holy, to the Lamb...# - awesome.

23. Talking to:
An inner soliloquy of questions; complex and multifarious...

THE LAST 24 HRS...
24. Cried?:
No - wailed, moaned and got worked up into a frenzy but no crying :)

25. Met someone new:
Yup, although I can't really remember who...

26. Cleaned your room?:
With the exams going on.. yeah, I have so much time.

27. Drove a car?:
I wish. But I did dream that Pete Chilvers drove a few CU peeps and I to Serbia
last night :)

DO YOU BELIEVE IN...
28. Yourself?:
I believe I exist...

29. Your friends?:
To do what? questions are always subjective to situations.

30. Santa Claus?:
I believe it was my my Dad who stuffed a pink dog down my Christmas sock - which
happened to be his sock I borrowed on loan.

31. Tooth Fairy?:
Pete Chilvers is my tooth 'fairy'.

32. Destiny/Fate?:
I believe in predestination :) hehehehehehehehehe......

33. Angels?:
Sure.

34. Ghosts?:
If ghosts are just spirits, then yeah. If you're talking Casper, no.

FRIENDS AND LIFE...
35. Do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend?:
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.

36. Who have u known the longest of your friends?:
Probably Cheryl, Karen, Jo-ann, Phyra... I know I had to take a picture with
Thaddeus before I developed conscious memory so hmmm....

37. Who's the shyest?:
Carol.

38. Who's the weirdest?:
We're not weird, we're gifted.

39. Who do you go to for advice?:
The Bible, for Law - Joe, for sanity - David, for applying to Serbia - Paul, for
cooking pasta - Jo, for anything technology related - my sis.

40. When do you cry the most?:
'Do' is present tense. I'm not crying now.
Today's exam wasn't great but I managed to fit in some possible theological theories to counter the constitution the Brits (after all theocracy's far better than having democratic tyranny) have and the words 'political indigestion' into my exam (and I'm 'majoring in' Law) so hopefully, whilst my legal knowledge may not necessarily be up to par, the examiner (hopefully Ewing) will have fun marking it. It's the least I can do really, with my large, scrawly handwriting... and Ewing's a great guy so wishing him well with all the scripts. He's my fav teacher this year. Next year it'll probably be Macklem, if I get him - Aristotle and all!

Am slightly fuzzy and have been working on adrenaline since Sunday. Isn't it a wonder that my small frame can induce that much energy? It is to me. Getting up at 6 makes sense if one sleeps before 12 midnight. My snooze clock's being going through a revolutionary period and my body can FEEL it. I haven't had time to eat lunch this week and by the time dinner comes round, I'm so exhausted but knowing I have to continue studying til late, I compel myself to eat. Did I tell you that I treat myself to a single delicate morsel of Smarties whenever I turn the page while studying? Tomorrow's my 'day off,' which is absolutely fantastic cos I need all the time I can get to prepare for European Law - my least favorite law.

Because I had to buy a travelcard for exam week, you'll be seeing me cruising round London until late Saturday night. Might as well right? I'll go to Lewisham, Portebello, Bayswater, Kensington Gardens to look out for Bear and Charlie - huge Newfoundlands I met a year ago - Bond Street (Hersheys), might go down to Oval to see the horses even if Adam can't take me there, Tesco, Camden, visit friends in Chiswick Park... I'll pan it out later. Horse guards as well... or maybe I'll just sit on the 23 and go from one end of London to the other end and back. Can stop by Mawar House on Edgeware Road for Malaysian food and get my passport stamped by the Serbien embassy too.

Although I do like to get actively involved in the workings of ordinary life, which most people who know me are aware of, I can be extremely pensive and closed up. My motto therefore, does not only comprise, "Just do something" - this was one of the quiz questions in CU on Tuesday but "Be still and know (that the LORD God is God)." :)

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

Criminal's over. Two down, two to go. I got to sit right at the back today PLUS I got about the only cushioned chair in the hall. Someone up there really likes me :) Went to CU for a little while to chill then went home to my dinner prepared by Jo.

2 Corinthians 5:13 "If we are out of our mind, it is for the sake of God; if we are in our right mind, it is for you." That's what I got from the little bit I managed to hear from Jago's talk today at CU. Looked at Priss and she was grinning away...

Am getting a slight migraine reoccurance which started this morning. I was so worried that it might affect my studies that I took double my usual medication. But praise God, it got better and I got better too. Waking up at 6am more than once in 10 years is not great for the system. A bit of a shock I must add although strangely enough, it does feel good and I did manage to get 5 hours worth of crucially important Criminal law into my memory bank. Rang David and Sarah this morning to chill before my exams. I'll probably find someone to ring everyday until exams are over so that I can maintain some sort of balance.

Jo and I are going SHOPPING next Wednesday. Right now, with that and exams and reminding myself to breathe, my brain's pretty occupied so will get back to you tomorrow when I'm less ditzy.

Monday, May 10, 2004

Re: I'm alive. Woke up at 6am to study this morning after sleeping for about 3 hours... wasn't my fault - I was tucked in bed at 12 but the weather suddenly seemed to turn really hot. In the end I used the duvet as a bolster and slept in a somewhat awkward position trying to keep cool whilst at the same time trying to adjust my body around the odd knobs that enjoy springing up from my mattress at the oddest hours, leaving my soft behind and rib cage slightly bruised. Got another 2 hours info into my 'vacuum' so yeah, crossed fingers...

Re: Last minute preparation. Rang Joe up at 8-ish to confirm little knick-knacks that were festering in my mind like "What is an indemnity???!!!???" Rushed to Priss' to borrow her Matt Redman CD to destress and got a cool 'destress' card in return and an 'invitation to treat' (coincidentally this happens to be legal jargon) at Haagen Daaz cafe after exams are over for all of us AND prayer:) I think loads of people were praying for me and with Jesus sustaining me throughout as well... yeah, I'm good to go. Left with Vow to Waterloo and met up with a few peeps headed that way. I just blasted the music into my ears trying to escape to oblivion. Made me feel much better. One girl, Chanmi commented that I looked 'calm.' What a hoot. Spaced out's the word. Received several text messages and calls that made me feel much better waiting at a strange and curious place called Hampstead campus. Cheers people. Making this bluebird smile *cheep cheep* Speaking of birds, I tried to calm myself down my remembering cases with animals in them. Like Bitten (sheep) and Whittington (poultry). I also remembered this case called Saunders, which was about a widow and some third party thing. Cos Saunders sounds like Sanders which is Mr. Winnie-the-Pooh :) Didn't get to use them in the exam but at least that made me felt like I knew something...

Re: Got into the exam hall in one piece. Saw James and Tom, waved hi to Tom but didn't dare talk to them just in case I panicked again - unfortunately, it seems like this is gonna stick; CU peeps equals the right to panic. Looked for my table number posted on the wall. Had to go through the sheets three times before I found my name... maybe that's a good sign. If I can't remember the absolute basics ie "What am I looking for on a name sheet?" maybe I'll remember the extra stuff... like Law. Walked into the exam hall. Where's my table? Where's my table? Right in front. Hehehehehehehe.... hehehehehehe.... in the middle of the hall, in front of the door and right in front. Cool. I like sitting either right in front or right at the back - right at the back so I can see everyone and feel 'in control' like the control freak I am and right in front so that I can continue to be oblivious to the people around me and pretend I'm in my bedroom. The middle's not good for me. Can't concentrate. Too many vibes going round the middle. By the way, I sat right in front of the clock. Had about 5 black and one blue pen with me. I think the invigilator thought it was really funny for some reason...

Re: The end of the end? Contract exam over and there's no point talking about it, is there? I filled 3 answer booklets in completely but then, my handwriting's big. Who was it who said quality not quantity? Probably every teacher I ever had. If I pass, I pass, if I fail I'll retake it in August. What's gone's gone (including my delicious mmm... lunch) so I'm looking forward to Criminal exam tomorrow as well as probably popping into CU for a bit to chill.

Sunday, May 09, 2004

Heeeelpppp..... *whimper* Am not trying to be a baby. More like a lost puppy or 6-week old kitten on 'Test Your Pet' yester-evening. #He's got the whole world in His hands...# Tried to sing myself to Chill-out land this morning before getting cracked down with misrepresentations, good faith and still to come, damages, breach of contract and remedies. Makes no sense to you? Don't worry. Doesn't seem to make any sense to me either. No need to worry. After all, my exam's only TOMORROW!!!!! Ooooh, pray people. Pray very hard. Maybe there's some smidgen of knowledge in this assumed vacuum but I have to stay calm and focused to retrieve it. Retreive. Hah! Made me think of Golden Retreiver... oh no... The last time I went into a 'Law' exam hall, I ended up drawing horses and tigers on my question paper cos I was thinking of good faith and somehow the word faith made me think of faithful and horses are faithful, right? Then I thought I need something to counter that faithfulness, so I drew a tiger :( There's something in contract about having good faith when dealing, rattling off to remember... Exclusion clauses; incorporated, interpreted and not undermined by any other clause within the document. *Cry* Such BIG words!!!! Document.. misrepresentation... boo hoo hoo.. hahahahahahahahaha.... hahahahahahahahaha.... hehehehehehe.., oh no.. boo hoo hoo hoo hoo...

As you can see, I'm pretty unstable as it is :) Heart palpitations, rocketing emotions and high pitched vocals are not having the best effect on my appetite - I've eaten just about everything in sight, which doesn't require cooking - and some that does.

Treated myself to one smarty (Smarties) everytime I turned the page but then got side tracked by my blue tongue :p I mentioned to Sarah Bear last night that I was slightly worried I had that Attention Deficit Disorder thing. But I only thought that because I watched Neighbours 2 days ago and someone in the programme has it and being a supposed hyperchondriac, I assumed I had it too :)

"No room! No room!" cried the Mad Hatter when he saw Alice.
"There's plenty of room," said Alice as she sat down in a large armchair.
"Want some tea?" the March Hare asked.
"I don't see any," said Alice.

Boo hoo hoo.. I'm repeating stuff I've not read in ages and I don't even know if it's right! Hahahahaha. March Hare. That's what I am right now. Or maybe the Mad Hatter or better yet! The Dormouse who has three sisters "...who lived at the bottom of the well."
"Why were they at the bottom of the well?" asked Alice.
"They were drawing treacle," replied the Dormouse.
"Where did they draw the treacle from?" asked Alice.
"You can draw water from a water well. So why can't you draw treacle from a treacle well," the March Hare said.
"But they were in the well!" said Alice.

Hahahahahahahahahahaha. Cuckoo! Oh do, please pray that I'll get through my exams... I really don't want to fail but I think me guffawing hysterically in the exam hall is a real possibility. Thank you Joe cos I know he's praying for me and for all the other law students as well. I know my parents are praying for me too.. my Pa's probably on his knees. I know I can count on Dad to help me chill.

Met David yesterday on his way to an ERIC CLAPTON concert at the Royal Albert Hall! Eric Clapton!!! I wish I could have gone but nooo, I have to s-t-u-d-y. As usual, being an April born, High Barnet bred guy, he chilled me out a bit with his understatements and 'By this time next week...'

*Ouch* I cracked my head too hard and now I've got a knot at the back of my neck.

Remember to pray. Whoever you are. Just say a quick prayer that whatever the outcome I'll be able to glorify His name - whether it's passing (then I'll be a good witness), failing (then I'll probably learn something and be moulded) or quiting university (just a thought).

Saturday, May 08, 2004

Did you know that Carnet's only available for Zone 1???!!!??? And because my oh-so-smart- admin-people decided that our exams should be held in Hampstead ie Zone 2, I can't use Carnet!!!! That means dishing out more dosh to get a weekly travel card cos I don't have student card... sigh. Will get one soon... everything is dubious and looking grey right now but the clouds will clear, the fog will thin out and I will suddenly be 'enlightened.'

Went to Sainsbury's to purchase my 'snack.' Nothing really appealed to me and there was no Haagen Daz Cookies and Cream so I decided to go to the source of good food - Gordan Ramsey and the Times. Head food this time. There's even an IQ test for your pet. I think Test Your Pet is on tonight so watch it for fun of you have nothing else to do.
Am going to the station to buy Carnet tickets for Monday later. Joe told me that I had to first get on the tube to Finsbury (or was it Finchley?) hehehe.. might get on the wrong tube... oh dear... *patience is a virtue.* Reminding myself not to pull my hair out or involve myself in masochistic activities in order to forget the future pain to come... one more day left... to cry or not to cry? That is the question. On one hand, the release of cosmic tension will no doubt, prove a relief, physically, emotionally, psychologically etc etc... On the other hand however, such relief at such crucial a time might just be the straw that breaks this camel's back. Too much too soon. So, I will hold firm to this tsunami brewing within and hope that it will evaporate into the atmosphere and form dancing elephants in the sky instead of crashing down and destroying all the cute-little-beach-front property.

I have to get all this travel stuff sorted. What with jobs being featured all around London, I'd better not get lost too often. I have to go down to Fulham and on top of that, then have to take the bus to my destination. When did travel become so complicated??!!?? When I left my car behind, that's when. Seeing it will not be even remotely possible that I acquire a car (and license) in jolly old England, it's back to the treadmill and hopefully one day I'll be able to walk to work or where else not, without working up an ocean.

Ocean, tsunami, sky, cosmos... hahahaha... everything is so big, so massive, so dramatic. Chill girl. Just chill. It's not that bad. Wake up two hours earlier so that you won't miss the bus or tube and won't get crushed by the tube doors this time. Read enough by Monday so you won't roll on the floor laughing hysterically at questions because you don't know how to answer them. Pray a lot so that your mind will be calm and not in a headless chicken panic but focused, and the Tetris bricks will flow smoothly and your points will increase. Remember that all you have to do is pass. Defined by King's (paraphrasing) as having the barest of bare minimum knowledge on the subject and without any expansion on points made. The alternative to failing is to write a whole lot and expand with precision on a question which was not asked.

Maybe it's good that I think I might fail. That way, I'll be prepared either way. Besides, the papers I always think I did horribly in, turn out to be my best papers whereas those that I put so much effort in, come up to the same (or lower) grade. Negativity's not great but Aaarrrggghhh!!!!!! To think, next year, it's actually gonna count and I'll be studying stuff that 3rd years are studying (minus Jurisprudence but I'll be doing Moral Philosophy, which is roughly the same I think). From zero to everything. Well, not EVERYTHING but close... well, maybe not that close but close enough.

Ranting, ranting. That's why I need solid people around me to bounce off. My usual peeps are not available cos they're either back home or studying really hard themselves and it won't be fair of me to bug them at a time like this. I did think of calling David or Philip a few times but nah... There's something in the air about guys born in April who live in High Barnet that's just so reassuring to me.

Time to go. Will probably get myself a little snack to cheer myself up.

Friday, May 07, 2004

Everyone's busy studying and the world seems a quieter place. No one to bounce restless energy off and this tigger is left feeling a bit wound up. Tigger, not tiger. There IS a significant difference. Jo tried to relieve me of some of my nervous vibes yesterday but didn't know how to. Awwhh, at least she tried. In reality, hanging out (of my jeans... hehehe) while licking Ben and Jerry's off a spoon helps even though I prefer Haagen Daz. Had a mini migraine last night cos of my long day... Reviewing my blog, I forgot to tell you one more thing that made my heart jump yesterday. On the way back from Islington (while still in Islington) I saw two mounted policemen. to be technical, I didn't notice whether they were policemen or women but this much I know, the horses were divine. One grey and one chesnut and sooo nice. Further more I was sitting on upper deck right in front of the giant windows so got the best view (nice horsey rump) :)

Decided to go for that interview for assistant editor within the time they set me after all. Won't hurt trying and it's not like they'll keep me in the whole day so I'll still have time to cram for exams. Also, it'll earn me more than child minding and it's more stable as well. So, interview's set for Monday afternoon after Contract law exam at Hampstead. The knowledge might help actually, if I have to sign a contract with them... everything happens for a reason.

I'm not thinking about getting a whatever grade in exams this year. As long as I pass. That's enough for me. May not be enough for my over-achieving sister but as long as it gets me through to the next stage, that's all I want right now. Even if I have to do a retake in August. I always try to think positively (really?) but when it comes to exams, I just picture the 'worst ever' scenario so that I'll be fine with whatever I get. And if it truly turns out to be the worst ever scenario, hey, I would have been prepared for it.

Last night I felt like a truck hit me. That's the feeling I get when (a) I drink too much coffee, (b) I drink too much vodka and (c) I don't get enough sleep.

Someone has permanently borrowed my spoon. As a result, I had to eat yogurt with a fork today (because I only have one spoon... hahahaha). Not easy. I misjudged the distance between the sharp point and my mouth and ended up bruising my inner cheek and left it to bleed away. It might be easier to drink it out of the little pot...

Thursday, May 06, 2004

I woke up at 7:30 today. 7:30!!!!! For some (of those I know about, like Priss and Holty), that's not great as these people wake up before the sun even peeks over London's skyline - not that London has a great skyline. Took the 341 over to Essex Road, Islington - Zoe told me to take the 76 but I didn't follow instructions and I managed NOT to get lost even though I usually do, map or no map. Moral of the story? Always ask the bus driver if you're not sure. Never mind. Rang Sarah up to ask for her A-Z map at about 9:30am but no answer. Rang Priss and she said to go and download a map. Why didn't I think of that? So, Lion chocolate bar in hand, I set out. Couldn't read my Contract law in the bus cos I didn't want to miss my stop and was worried that if I read in the bus, I would get all hazy eyed and wouldn't be able to answer questions properly.

Met Zoe at the door and I was early - good start right? Zoe's not who I thought she would be. I usually automatically register first impressions by voice/ looks/ situation and I was expecting a 'posh-ish' sort of person dressed in a matching beige suit who would probably tower over me by a good foot or two. Zoe's so down to earth. Literally. She's about my height :) and she was wearing sneakers and a baseball sweater. Apparently the girl before me got lost om the way there ( hehehehe) so I had to wait in the reception while Zoe finished talking to her downstairs. Amazing living room! Art work on the walls, wall to wall bookshelves, silver technology and a fur rug on wooden floors. I would like to live in a place like that!

My turn for the interview. Zoe took me downstairs to the kitchen. I LOVE her kitchen!!! Bright fire-extinguisher red walls against wooden flooring and a white ceiling. Wow. This is my kind of house. Classy upstairs - meant for other people to come to 'oooh and aaah' and comfy downstairs for me. There was even a cat! Rolly-poly. Awwh... I wanted to take him home. So chat chat chat. She'll give me a ring on Friday to confirm my position and i'm hoping it'll return favourable. This is soo exciting. Hopefully the one thing in my favour is that she used to go to King's as well.

Left her place in good time. Waited for the bus and spotted a little old lady, who I didn't think too much of, until I saw her dog. Oh wow - a sleek, toned, well built Doberman. Little lady. Big dog. That's what I want. Islington's great in that way. I look around and everything matches what I want to be one day. There's even a street called Elmore Street. Not exactly right, but close enough to Elmo in Sesame Street. Who knows, I might end up living there.

Took the bus down to Tesco and could have gotten away with under a fiver but decided to throw Ben and Jerry's Chocolate Fudge into my basket - the one thing that cost more than a pound. Limped home with my heavy shopping and surprised Jo with the ice cream. I think we finished about half a pint between us. Tonight we'll be having beef and onion pie.

I also might hopefully get an assistant editorial job down in SW. I have to arrange an interview as the time they offered wasn't the best, what with all my exams and everything. I hope they know it's because I want to pass my exams instead of slacking off an interview. I wonder what I should wear? I look frumpy in suits, most of my clothes are 'fluffy' (hardly professional) and tights are itchy. I guess I never considered my wardrobe before because all the jobs I've taken never required me to 'dress up' so to speak. Maybe I'll just go in jeans and dress that up with a nice top. Okay. Done.

The money would definitely come in handy with the moving house and Serbia trip coming up. And it'll add several more pages to my CV. I deleted about half of it after Joanna told me that people in general only wanted to see our activities/ positions/ grades from age 16 onwards. In Malaysia, we take THREE public exams before taking SPM, the Malaysian equivalent of GSCE. There's no way I'm gonna let that slip by. I did cancel some stuff, which yeah, might have been irrelevant unless I was interested in being a dance instructor but I've got a back up copy just in case some eccentric wants to know what I did at playschool...

Ooooh, I've just got an email saying my prospective job employers would be interviewing people today, tomorrow and on Monday. If they think the candidates aren't suitable, they'll arrange for me to come in for an interview next Friday. Tricky this. This could all go several ways:

I get both jobs and then have to decide which one to cancel cos of time clashes...
I get one or the other, which will be great.
I get neither, in which case I'll have more free time to do other things (and look for other jobs).

Even if things go pear-shaped (by the way, why does pear-shaped mean what it means? Pears have got a lovely shape! I like pears) I'll still be cool. Happy bunny.

Urgh. Tummy ache. Must have been the sloppy ice cream. Will sign off now. Take care all. Tomorrow's another looong day.

Wednesday, May 05, 2004

Am in FWB now. Wanted to leave about half an hour ago. Reached the lobby of FWB but then Heaven decided to rain. I was(am) wearing pink stripy slippers and red stripy socks at the same time and yes, you CAN do that. Didn't want to get my stripy socks wet so decided to head back upstairs and found myself lost in Relevant - you know, that little link under Cabbage Patch. Found an article on Will and Grace - American comedy, for those not in the know. Interesting. Funny. Hahahahaha. Man's will versus God's grace. Go read it up. Here, I'll make it easy for you: Will and Grace.

Don't know how long I'll be here. Has the rain stopped yet? Am feeling slightly frantic. So much to do, so little time. But I shouldn't feel that way, right? Should just relaaaax..... studying's put on this earth for our enjoyment (I hope) and is less the by product of a sinful and fallen world. Hahahahaha. Enjoy it. It's cool. I'm cool. I'm sorted. After all, I'll get to pick questions right? 3 out of 8? 4 out of 8? Better get more info from Joe on that. Might calm me down a bit more... Have no idea how to get to Hampstead Campus. Someone please tell me. I need to chill. Chill. One of the first muffled words Jo yelled out at me this morning when I knocked on her door the second time before 9am. We were supposed to have breakfast at 8.30 and leave at 9. If only I had this much determination every other morning. I'm chilled. I'm good. I know nothing... I can do this. A minute a page. I have to finish my Contract studying tonight. Tomorrow I'll gently slide into Public - tumbling down and breaking my crown more like it. Can read it on the bus. Am going to see Zoe my employer to sort things out tomorrow morning. Will be out of bed at 7:30, breakfast and shower by 8, Bible reading and remnants of Contract law or introduction to Public, catch the 76 at 9:30, arrive Islington at 10:30, walk up a road, Zoe at 10:50. Will probably stay an hour at most, head down to Tesco for my week's worth of food - might as well do everything at once right? I estimate I'll be home a bit before 3pm.

I think the rain has stopped. Hope your stripy socks didn't get wet :)
Have studied Contract for a bit in the library (no tower for me today but I found a nice little hidey hole on the first floor)so decided to come down here to update a few things. Am not feeling as mental as I did the night before even though my disk is still lost in this temporal world... sigh... Might go to Chez Gerard to cheer myself up with a luscious steak and fries and egg - I don't think the vouchers are on anymore; not til they say so anyway but the thought of steak is mmmm.... - provisionally we could be getting free meals for a large proportion of our lives in London, leaving only the question of 'should I or shouldn't I' tip? Some have told me to, some have explicitly told me not to, we'll see. Anyway, I've set up the Sante online link under Drool so if you want a decent meal without having to slave over the stove, go for it! There're always discounts even if the 15 quid vouchers don't come on.

Have also set up a Serbian online dictionary to encourage people to go this summer - just because we can't speak fluent Serbian doesn't mean we shouldn't try. After all, everyone has to seemingly learn English so why can't it be the other way around? I suggest buying a notebook you'll actually use, divide it into English and Serbian and start filling in. Even if we don't know how to pronounce them, I'm sure the peeps who went last year will be more than willing to help us get into the swing of things. That's how I learnt how to speak Polish with the cleaning lady at my college (which Adam found a real joke). A holiday to Europe and mission work all rolled into one. Not bad I think, and I hear the price is unbeatable. Would be awesome. There's one little old lady I'm particularly looking forward to seeing in Serbia... We'll probably have some random times together cackling over home brewed garden tea.

I've got The Blurb in here as well - under Cabbage Patch. Roger Carswell said in Skegness that if not enough copies of The Blurb got bought, the production line would not have enough to sustain it and it might have to be retracted and that would be a shame. I have to admit I haven't bought a single copy of it but if Caroline will reserve a copy for me the next time... 1.75 - about 4 chocolate bars less. Would probably do more good for me than I could ever imagine :) By the way, if you guys know of any tit bits I might like to put up or that people in general might like to see, give me a shout out. Seeing people do actually visit this site, I guess I should make it as people friendly as possible. Unfortunately, according to Debbie-dictionary, people friendly means Jesus, food (chocolate), animals and Pinky and the Brain. So if you would like to bring me up to speed with the current world, I would be most grateful.
I'm just gonna say this - I'm not okay. My head's pounding with this aching thump - head throb, not heart throb - hahaha. Joanna's telling me to chill and relax but everything's horrible and I'm just going to sit here and wallow in misery - not. I just need this blog to pour everything out. If you're feeling down as it is, best not to read the next few paragraphs - it'll get better after I've done my ranting but for now, I just need to cry.

Lost my precious disk. Very important disk too. Loads of personal and intimate stuff in it, which if anyone opened, I would willingly curl up into a twisted helix and be void of existence forever. Ran manically around 3 PAWS rooms looking for it but can't find it. Will go to the security guard but for now, I'm resigned to not ever seeing my disk again. Point to remember; NEVER EVER write personal stuff down to keep that you don't want the entire world to read. The risk is too great, the burden too heavy to bear. Write it on a piece of floral paper and feelings extracted, tear it up into bite size pieces and stuff it down your gut or fire it into oblivion with a Bunsen burner and extra kerosine - as I did with several books during my 'rebel' days, resulting in the clothes drying in the garden getting 'mysteriously' stained with smoke streaks.

Have been burnt out (forgive the pun) hunting for well-paid jobs, cheap housing and stuffing my brain with legal nonsense as well as combating sickness and keeping relatively sane. Sounds depressing, and it is. The more I read, the less I know - and being a person who likes to know everything, not a good state to be in. Am tempted to say I'm clinically depressed but that would only worry my parents, which in turn would worry me. Heading towards a nervous breakdown? It is possible I have already arrived. Prayed the longest and most fervent prayer I have done for in ages and did feel better after that. I wonder if it's not best that my life became captured in one long prayer. just constantly - who cares who thinks I'm mad - I don't care anymore. Quite the worst feeling to have especially when it's not other people I don't care about, but myself. Weird. The more I care about other people's well-being, the less and less I care about myself; could it be criminal to say the least? Wasting away into nothingness. A vertigo of rubbish just heading towards a never ending abyss. That's how I feel right now. Don't want anyone to call, don't want anything. I just want to sit in a dark corner and rock myself with my thumb in my mouth, reliving infancy. Now, I'm just talking nonsense, and in a strange way it's making me feel better. Random ranting never hurt anyone except the person who understands it. And if the mind could grasp the notion behind every deluded thought, would it be better off or not?

My mum wrote to me today; bits included my brother, whom by now you should know, I absolutely adore. I suppose I should apologise in advance if I get too chummy with any of my bros in CU - linking arms one moment and ignoring you the next (if I have unintentionally). It's not that I'm doing a hot-cold attitude thing. I just miss my baby bro terribly and you guys are the closest I'll get to a brother; doh, you ARE my brothers. So cool.

Do pray for my sanity :) and peace of mind and that I'll reduce my ultrasonic pitch to a regular tone, given time. Maybe it's time I went to see Max again. Animal therapy - you have no idea, it works wonders for me. I may not be around for CU the next couple of weeks cos of exams and child minder responsibilities and if my employer decides that she wants to take up her yoga on Tuesday nights, that's the pub gone for me as well... ahhhh, I do feel much better now. Should I delete this and rewrite something more cheery to lighten your hearts? Nah. This is for me as well. To this end, we should always refer to our source of Wisdom; God's Living Word.

Psalm 13

1 How long, O LORD ? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
2 How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?

3 Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
4 my enemy will say, "I have overcome him,"
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.

5 But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
6 I will sing to the LORD ,
for he has been good to me.

(verse 1-2)
I am wrestling as it is with everyday troubles as we all are and it can and does get daunting. Keeping my spiritual accountability short with the Lord is so precious yet it is no easy task and I have to continuously ask Him to help my soul and guard my heart for His name's sake, to 'beat my body and make it my slave so that after I have preached to others, I myself will not be disqualified for the prize..' (1 Corinthians 9:27).

(verse 3-4)
But I do trust in the Lord with all my heart and acknowledge He who has rescued me and has given me the wonderful opportunity to be able to glorify His name for eternity. Amazing love. I trust Him because He is sovereign and knows me; my vulgar imperfections and hopes and dreams. I trust Him because He is God.

(verse 5-6)
And so, because I trust Him and trust in His unfailing love, I will sing and rejoice and give thanks and praise for come trouble or joy, peace or strife, both come from the mouth of the Lord (Lamentations 3:38).

The Word of the Lord is life to the soul and sweeter than honey from the comb.

Tuesday, May 04, 2004

My head's still fuzzy, my nose is threatening to drip (drip, not drop - although it might have to drop to run away), I smell of something Yusof tried to cook in the kitchen, my bar of Cruchie is gone... down my tum-tum and I have more caffeine in my system than I ever thought was possible. Read more Daily Telegraph today, watched more news on Iraq and Israel, ate more instant noodles. Jo called and told me my hair might fall out soon if I continue eating in the atrocious manner I've been doing lately. Cool. One less thing to worry about as exams near. Always see the good side of things even if it annoys people. That's rich coming from someone who's often wallowing in negativity.

I learned something from Orlando Bloom today. Well, not directly from Mr. Bloom, more from his movie - The Calcium Kid. Some smart nutrition person was talking about calcium for the bones and osteoporosis and what we're supposed to eat, especially for teenage girls who are still growing - HAH, I'm passed that stage!!! I'm not a teenager anymore and I doubt I'll grow anymore save maybe sideways. The ironic thing though, is that I 'suffer' from what is known in the medical field as 'growing pains' - tightness in the joints, muscles etc etc. Yup, growing pains without growing. Nice. Anyway, back to the calcium talk; we all need calcium but we all need to, more importantly, retain that calcium. That's what the guy said. The next bit is from my own head. A giant dark chocolate, banana milkshake a day will provide all the calcium and retainment stuff (Vitamin D3) that you'll need. How? Milk is calcium, bananas have loads of potassium in em, which contains Vitamin D3 (apparently) and a credit card size of dark chocolate a day is actually good for your heart. So, time to invest in that blender... On the other hand, if you're a fish person, as much oily fish as possible, if you please. Omega 3 yatta yatta yatta.

Had a looong chat with Sarah Bear just now; everything from housing to what we would do after third year. I might need to think of investing in one way or another if I want to continue studying in London after my third year - maybe a theology course or something. Will look into that a bit later but no harm in thinking about ABC plans to take, after all, God's gonna map out the steps (Proverbs 16:9).

Exams in 7 days - surreal. I was getting worried that I might not digest all I wanted to in time when a tutorial mate came up to me yesterday, repeated the same thing I've been telling everyone, "It doesn't count, you know" and proceeded to tell me all the chapters she didn't study - chapters, which I thought were really important. I wonder if that's a sign not to worry, to pick chapters, to not go barmy or to disbelief everything everyone says from now til Amen. Weird. So, for those of you who happen to come into contact with me over the next few days until exams are over (or maybe until exams are waaay over to help my system get to grips with the fact that exams are actually over), don't be too surprised if everything goes over my head and I appear even more illogical than ever before. I don't think I'll be absolutely crackers but just be on your guard. Am going back for dinner - will probably have the same thing I had for breakfast and lunch - instant noodles with an egg thrown in. I will try get fresh food from Tesco tomorrow to escape Jo's rantings of "You're not taking care of yourself!!!"

Monday, May 03, 2004

I think I'm coming down with hay fever... not a good sign. Maybe that's why my head's been feelin' all clogged up lately. It's not migraine after all. Yay! Doh - hay fever or migraine, which is worse? Better go get some Benadryl or decongestive stuff. Will go pop a few more cough drops in for good measure and stick my head over a bowl of steaming lemon water... breathing in the fumes and emptying out my head at the same time - all that studying flushed by the acidic citrus power scrub. Have just contacted one of my potential employers and she will call me back tomorrow - a good sign I hope. Therefore, I shall awaketh earlierth to maketh sure I do not misseth the call - don't want to stamp a bad impression on now, do I?

Just read the newspaper and among a few interesting nick-nacks I gathered were, a group of people who have apparently come up with the 'perfect' sphere is going to test Einstein's theory of relativity - the fact that our galaxy is the way it is, not because it is pulled by gravity towards the sun, but because it is keeping with what is known as geodetic something. The fabric and alignment of space so to speak. Have to go read up a bit more. It wasn't THAT fasinating...

The Gherkin has only recently been opened!!! I didn't know that.

Thing that caught my attention the most was this article on Britney Spears - I don't personally like her or her music but then I've never met her so it isn't really fair to say that is it? The guy who wrote it called her a '23-year old Baptist from Louisianna' (that place where she comes from - I might have spelt it wrong). He further added (in contempt) - or maybe it's just me hearing things from the newspaper - that her singing was bland, she strutted around in knickers only all the time and that she only interrupted her pouts and winks to talk, among other things, about God (paraphrasing). I'm assuming that in the early churches' day, the term Christian was used as a mockery of the followers of Jesus. If I'm wrong, someone pleeease correct me quick before I get into any more trouble. I just felt that the way the guy wrote her off as a 'Baptist' held the same contempt and disdain as the Jews or Romans or whoever who called Christ's followers, Christians. I won't say Ms. Spears is right or wrong, doing what she does, it's not my call. But I can learn from her - learning NOT to be like her, that's what. Not that I'm condemning artistic talent but in the light of Christian living, not to live my life one way and preach another message. In the words of Al Denson, one of my all time favourite artists (at this point, I got excited and went in search of Al, and came up with a whole website of goodies so go to Hakuna Matata on this site and you'll have a look at the guy who started me off with contemporary Christian music).

It's One Thing to Say It

We say that we have found the truth
And yet I feel
Only the life we lead will prove
Our faith is real
People are watching us to see
If Jesus lives in you and me
Will we be all we're claiming to be

Chorus
It's one thing to say it
It's another thing to do it
We've got to take what we believe
And live it, oh live it
It's one thing to say it
It's another thing to do it
Though the voice is still the same
We've got to change
Cause it's one thing to say it
And another thing to do it

Now is the time to understand
We must obey
This is the place to take a stand
So we can say
Here in a world where talk is cheap
And vows are broken easily
We've made a promise we're gonna keep

In our hearts we've got to burn the light of Jesus
Stir the fire so the flame will grow
His love will be a power that will free us everywhere we go
Though the enemy may try, he won't defeat us
For our lives will show...

Eeeee... I'm just so happy right now. All my tapes of Al are back home but now I can hum to myself with the lyrics... oh yeah, oh yeah...

Cool. Rock on.

Sunday, May 02, 2004

Another day in the life of Deb. Woke up dreaming of Billie Piper and her DJ hubby Chris in their strange clashing shirts for one reason or another. To my horror, my grey matter actually coughed up lyrics to one of Billie's old songs 'Because we want to' which I sang unabashedly in the shower. Either my brain is saturated flat out or it's definitely not filled up enough. Either way, life's not looking too pretty, more groggy. I'm now on what's known as auto-pilot.

Found a Victorian house in Tower Hill, EC3 and will ring the landlord/lady when I get credit on my phone. Hopefully, it hasn't been snatched up already by another contender. Would be cool, I think having the Gherkin and Tower Bridge as bedroom views... won't need no posters up then. And if Blainee decides to accomplish more daring feats near Tower Bridge, I'll invest in a telescope to multiply my laughing bank a hundred fold. I wonder if I'll be able to grab a sneak peak at what people actually do within the Gherkin. But with all that green glass glaring into my eyes, my curtains will probably stay shut at a constant. I hope the curtains are thick enough so the sun's stare won't penetrate my dark abode.

My chocolate cravings are back!!! So for now it looks like things are heading in the right direction even if I'm slightly unsure of which direction that is. After exams are over, I might treat myself to a bag of Hersheys, a pint of Haagen Daz and a giant chocolate milkshake. I've got two more days to study Criminal law before switching to Contract. If I keep up with my set timetable (which by the way, has been subject to alterations five times over), I should be able to stuff enough head knowledge to start waffling. Waffles...mmmmm... hot waffles, crispy edges, peanut butter melted all over... hee hee heeeee hee hee hee heeeee heee *hic* heee *hic*....